Rainy Day Blues

Ugh! Along with the blooming of flowers, the blossoming of new leaves, and the lusteriest green grass all around which represent signs of spring. Scattered showers also represent spring as well. With the days filled with sunshine and the wondrous beauty that surrounds us, I find myself luminous and light. With the days filled with scattered rain, gray skies, I find myself sullen and melancholy.

It is of the later that I find myself the last couple of days, and I dislike how this makes me feel. I acknowledge there are so many things in my life that are a blessing. Moreover, I acknowledge that Amira and I are blessed beyond words. However, there’s that humanistic part of ourselves that even though we realize and acknowledge all of our blessings, we still, at times, long for something else.

For me, it’s a missing of a once great relationship. I’ve not wanted to post about this as it seemed too painful at the time to even put my feelings into words, but perhaps actually putting the words in writing I can finally once and for all move forward in my life.

Three weeks after my mom’s funeral my two best friends of 8 years decided to essentially vanish from my life. They have their reasons but to me I do not understand them. My one friend, Mindy, merely sent an email essentially saying she didn’t know how to be my friend anymore. My other friend, Vicky, slowly withdrew without a trace. It took me longer to figure out Vicky no longer wanted to be my friend because although she’d respond to my text messages she wouldn’t take my calls or accept any of my offers to do anything. Being a little slow and now feeling foolish for continuing to ask someone to spend time with me made me feel like a real ass when I realized she was no longer desiring to be my friend either.

I wish I knew the reason why they’ve decided to no longer be my friend. Although I’m not certain it would really matter-----would it? The end result is they no longer desire to have me in their lives.

I struggle with my feelings over them because I loved these two women dearly and never imagined my life without them. There were times when I’d imagine Mindy and I sitting on a porch somewhere as two old women laughing and talking over our lives journey. How we survived parenthood. How we probably out lived our husbands. How we were grateful to have one another all these years.

I’ve inquired as to what happened in our friendship to cause it to go array and have not received a response from either one of them, so realize I’ll probably never know and should just move forward with my own life as they have. But the pain from the loss is still real, and at times like these damn gray rainy days very prominent on my mind.