Sunday, January 25, 2015

Life – Playing A Game of Chess with the Creator of the Game

Over the last 24 hours Amira and I have experienced something very unchartered for either one of us.  Amira told me last night she wanted to send an email to her father, and could I please give her the email address.  Handling just this initial request alone would determine a number of things, including how our relationship would go from here forward.  All of my inner fears, over protective need to want to keep the past in the past were now facing me, and how would I handle it?  No matter how much logically you understand things it never prepares you for the reality of the situation until you are facing it right in the eye.  Even knowing the loss of a loved one after a slow painful death finally occurs, you are still not prepared for how you will feel and react at that very moment, even though all along you felt you had been preparing yourself for when the inevitable would happen.

I gave Amira the email address and gave you space to write her email.  You could definitely feel the tension and uncomfortableness in the room, both hers and mine.  I literally felt helpless at the moment….not knowing if what I was allowing was the right choice or not, and subsequently I felt tears well in my eyes.  She asked why I was crying and I told her I wanted her to know this was uncharted waters we were entering into and that no matter what she and I are a team and we’d get through this.  She asked if I was mad she wanted to contact him, to which I responded I wasn’t.  I asked her how she felt about her decision,  to which she said she’s been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and feels this sense of urgency around it…….like it needs to be now before it’s too late.  I asked why she felt this sense of urgency or that only now was the time, and she said she didn't know.

As we sat quiet on and off over what seemed like hours, during the still quiet moments I felt like I was being shown a chess board with players on the board.  I felt like the Creator of the Game was with me while I was looking at this board because this very small quiet voice inside me asked to take a step back from the situation and just look at everything for a moment before making my next move.  At that very moment I felt like I was being told this is how life works; it’s a game of chess.  Every situation in our lives is a move on the board.  There isn't necessarily punishment involved when we play a move wrong or anything like that, but rather an opportunity to improve our game.  Yes, we could continue playing the same way we've always played, and guaranteed losing far more than winning from that vantage point, but by taking our time, leaning back and looking at the table, perhaps even at a different angle, we can see a better move.

As Amira and I are the ones currently playing this round, I feel the Creator of the game’s presence and feel I should take some extra care in how I play my next move, and ask myself if I’m doing it from my own ego self or am I really doing what’s right for the whole situation.  No doubt I’m human and will not play the game right as I’m not finished mastering the game, but in this instance as painfully tough as it is I will support her decision to make contact.  I told Amira no matter what we’d work through this together. 

May the Creator of this baffling game stay with us a bit longer and give us some continued guidance…..would greatly appreciate it.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

When Spirit Moves You

Interesting morning-
One never knows what Spirit/God/Creator/Allah/Jehovah...whatever name you prefer to use, will bring you.

The musing I'm about to share may sound strangely odd, but nonetheless very surreal to me.

I've been seeing the word 'forgive" in various forms recently, and being one who fancies them self of philosophical sayings, I appreciate the wisdom in such phrases.

Taking a moment of solitude this morning, enjoying the gentle calm of the early morn, I find myself pondering on the word forgive and what it means to me on this day, for I'm well aware of what the word means and feel I've done it on various levels throughout my life, but today in particular I feel I'm being called to look at this word again.

As I sit quietly, suddenly I'm presented with a question,,,,,"have you truly forgiven Adam (my ex)?" My first immediate reaction is to say, "yes". However, on a deeper level I'm asked once again, "have you truly forgiven Adam"? The second time I pause before answering, and earnestly walk down memory lane and see where I have 'forgiven' him justifiably. What I mean by justifiably is, in my own way I felt I had forgiven him because I don't talk ill of him, I don't wish him dead, I don't wish harm to come to him, etc. I've also gone so far to say, "it's not my place to judge his wrong choices". However, is that true forgiveness?

As I mulled over these thoughts my ego wanted to justifiably say 'yes', but in truth I don't think I had done so egolessly (new word--like it? lol) This is not to say that I hadn't forgiven him on some level, but today it seemed I needed to forgive him on another level. I realized my forgiveness was based solely on what I thought I was suppose to do in order to move forward in my life. This is not to say I haven't moved forward or evolved, but today was bringing something deeper.

All this is processing through my head when all of a sudden I hear this gentle Spirit ask me, "have you walked a minute in his shoes to understand his reasons for doing what he did? or have you judged his reasons based on what you thought he should have done?" At this pivotal moment I realized I had never once imagined what he must have been going through to make the choices he made. Yes, I knew some of the terrible choices he made that placed himself and potentially Amira and I in some pretty bad situations, but never once had I actually metaphorically put myself in his place. At that very moment I felt what it was to do so without prejudice, judgment, or justifications, but to just forgive.

So, where does it go from here? Who knows, who cares.....what I do know is today he and I have been set longer bound to one another due to unforgiveness. 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

2013 - Looking back


For us, 2013 started out a bit subdued as we (entire family) were in the throws of supporting Claudia (sister-in-law) through very aggressive forms of chemo/radiation treatments against cervical cancer. Her braveness and strength during the whole process will forevermore be remembered and revered greatly. She was, is and will always be, in my book, amazing. As of November 2013 Claudia’s doctors have told her they are amazed at her progress and that she is clear.

In late February we traveled to southern California as our Aunt Judy passed, which coupled together with Claudia fighting against something so aggressive, resulted in some very reflective moments. Humbling time period for sure.

On a lighter note, Amira and I delved into our perspective sports (gymnastics and belly dance) and had a great year doing so. Amira competed in three gymnastic competitions, resulting in winning the All-Round trophy for each competition. She competes in floor, vault, bars, and beam. She says her favorite is bars. She is absolutely amazing to watch, such poise, grace, elegance and strength. To see her so focused and disciplined is definitely motivating. As of the writing of this newsletter, Amira has been asked to try out for the competitive team and hopes to begin training in January.

During this last year, I had the pleasure of performing at 6 different local belly dance events, with some of the most influential and supportive women I’ve been blessed to have in my life.

Along with our physical activities, we traveled a bit. During Amira’s spring break she and I took a mother/daughter overnight trip to San Francisco. We walked around the labyrinths at Grace Cathedral, wandered around Chinatown, absorbed the sights and sounds of the Japanese Tea Gardens, and drifted through Golden Gate Park as well as the Pacific Heights district of San Francisco. We had a glorious time.

At the end of Amira’s spring break, dad returned from wintering in Arizona, and we finished off her break along with celebrating his return by spending a couple of days in Monterey.

In July I conducted my first group class, which consisted of conducting a live demonstration on releasing old baggage (emotions). It was a thrilling event, and one I hope to build from in the future. My intention for 2014 is to continue to blend counseling/coaching with massage as well as conduct workshops/classes to empower others.

At the end of summer, Dad, Amira and I took a weekend trip to Ferndale, which is located on the top northern coast of California. The drive was gloriously beautiful and the weekend of exploring the redwoods was magical.

In November my friend Dawn assisted me with my 3rd annual massage fundraiser event, which this year’s charity was for Courage Worldwide. It’s an organization that helps girls who have been sex trafficked. Courage Worldwide has a recovery house in Loomis, which is the chapter we supported. Because of the outpour of support from others as well as my desire to assist in the empowerment of women, this particular charity will be one I continually support.

This year, 2013, for many has been a year like no other. Globally we’ve witnessed some unbelievable events that will forever change the world, as we know it. Locally, our own homeland, we’ve witnessed some shocking, life altering events that will forever change the world, as we know it. Personally, specific to each individual, we’ve had unexpected changes (relationships, living environment, careers, etc.), experienced a plethora of physical and emotional disentanglements (learning to re-open our heart and feel), highs and lows of physical energy which will forever change the world as we know it, and yet through it all we have somehow remained in tack. How utterly amazing is that!

As we prepare for 2014 may we enter it with wonder, hope, and an open heart.

With so much love

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Becoming the thing you fear - sucks

I woke this morning with this unsubtleness to break down and cry. Having an overwhelming feeling of ‘fatness’; a distinct feeling of disgust for my body that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Body aching terribly---jaw hurts, back of head near base of neck throbbing, joints are stiff, stomach hurts to bend over, and everything about my body feels stiff and bloated. Doing too much dancing on my toes and calves begin to cramp, and the tears slowly release. God help me, please.

For the longest time now I’ve lived in denial about my body.

When I was younger, I heard a repeated line, “your face is so pretty, and if you’d lose weight you’d be perfect”.

For years, I starved myself, became bulimic, and even physically hurt myself for being ‘fat’.

I tried every diet in the book---tried pills, different programs as well as doctors in an attempt to not be fat. I exercised 5 to 6 days a week. Pushed myself physically and mentally to not be fat.

I was a girl with a big butt and thick thighs and a waistline that was tiny in comparison. Hated everything about me from my waist down.

As the years went by I gave up having a scale in my house. I gave up feeling bad about food. Gave up counting fat, counting calories, counting carbs, counting glasses of water, counting protein…………counting of any kind.

I had a child over 10 years ago and have pretty much devoted my life to raising her. Every now and then I would get a ‘negative’ thought about food and/or my body and quickly push it away, telling myself to ‘feel’ better.

I now realize that over time I’ve traded my obsession with not being skinny to complete and utter ‘ignore’ with regards to all things associated with my body. It’s really no wonder I have no idea who the person is when I see pictures of myself.

I feel I’ve lost the battle of what I feared most being---fat, and have become that very thing---fat.

Yes, psychologically, I absolutely get it if someone else presents this to me, and I know what to do, but as of this moment I’m sitting before the individual (me), who just happened to have an Aw-Ha moment and feels like shit for realizing what she’s become.

It would be so wonderful to believe we could out smart ourselves, but truth be told---we can’t.

As we continue to be cracked wide open this year, with absolutely everything on the table---free from any hidden spots---I realize I must be with it all and FEEL....letting the reality that is be my release. As much as it absolutely SUCKS, it must be done.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Newest Member to Blogging

Greetings All,
I'd like to introduce the newest member to the Blogging community---my daughter, Amira.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Amazing times we are living

Once again the flow of powerful fluctuating energy leaves me bewildered and filled with awe at the same time.  One minute feeling extremely fatigued, feverish, sinus congestion, and listless, and the next minute feeling like a live electrical wire, having so much energy that my body can barely contain itself.  Literally experiencing these two extremes in a matter of a couple of days. Craziness!

With this highly electrical energy wave surging through, our senses are definitely heightened, almost to the point of feeling painful.  Sounds and pitches of peoples’ voices can be a bit much as if those you are around have multiplied 10 fold.

One day feeling constricted or small and the next day feeling complete and utter expansion as if you are larger than life.  Did I mention CRAZINESS!

As many times as I’ve experienced this unexplainable, magnificent energy of contract and expand during 2013, I’m still bewildered by its appearance.  Perhaps it’s the subtleness, the unexpected timing, the extreme polarities of highs and lows, the physical impact felt in our physical bodies long after our brains have processed the extremes, and yet magnificently through it all we remain.

So many facets of our existence are being altered on an unbelievably fast track.  Think about it for just a second.  During this year alone, collectively/globally/universally (it can not be expressed enough that what is happening to you as an individual is happening AROUND THE WORLD as well) we’ve purged more of our emotional baggage (we see this in our social medias, mainstream media, and in our own circle of people), shedding ourselves of those things no longer serving us or weighing us down (have we not seen, at least in the States, more Goodwill distribution centers popping up everywhere), living spaces or situations being drastically changed, and personal relationships being reviewed.  As all the above-mentioned situations have been going on, there’s also a sense of community building, a subtle sense of compassion and sensitivity being experienced on a grander scale.  Even through all the physical, emotional, and spiritual highs and lows being felt individually at different extremes and times, as a collective mass we seem to be creating a global unity.  This is not to say everything is going to be rosy and perfect, but what it does mean is we are evolving as a species as we have been since the beginning of time, and that my friends is something to celebrate.  How utterly exciting is it to be a part of such a cycling change on earth?  Not only as a species are we evolving, but our planet is simultaneously as well.  WOW!  Think about that magnitude for just a minute…..if that doesn’t blow your mind for just a second I don’t know what will.

How blessed are we to be living this very time on earth?  Evolution or the changing of the earth and its inhabitants is nothing new as we can look back over history to see the earth’s plane has altered itself as well as plant life and animal life.  There’s even some documentation stating most of human life had been wiped off the face of the earth due to natural disasters and then started over again. So, how exciting to be part of yet another evolutionary change and not being wiped off the face of the earth. I know some will argue we are living the ‘end days’, but I ask you to ponder, what if we are actually living the ‘beginning days”?

Until next time, continue to be kind to yourself and others.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Overly Sensitive

Among the many things you may be experiencing as of late (i.e., physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual changes/challenges), I'd like to talk about being what some may consider "overly sensitive".

For those among us who are very sensitive to energy – and that includes most everyone reading this – it is easy to pick up on and absorb what those around us are going through, mistaking it for our o...
wn feelings. Picture a high wattage lightbulb and how much electricity it gives off when you are near it. When you are around something like that you can hear the buzz and you can sometimes even feel that zhoozy, electricity feeling in the air. So as we’re all walking around, in our homes, workplaces and communities, we are feeling all the ‘electricity’ going through people that they are having a hard time processing. Where a person’s inner aspects are waking up and trying to get their attention, but are continuing to be ignored or repressed, that energy isn’t flowing as it should be. It keeps circulating around the body, generating the turbulence. So on some level, a sensitive observer can feel this, like it’s a combustion waiting to explode, or a dam about to burst. Sometimes we are aware we are picking up on the other person’s ‘stuff’, other times we don’t realise until later.

It helps to say something like: “if this is not mine, please go back to your rightful owner with love.” The more we’ve cleared our stuff, and the more we know who we are, the easier it becomes to distinguish what is yours vs what is not.

On the other hand, we should also realize we are still clearing within ourselves that part of ourselves we didn't even realize was still there. A part of ourselves we had no idea still had an impact on us.

During this latest round of energy push-down, as I like to call it, I found myself once again feeling deep agonizing pain in my solarplex area. Lots of bloating, painful pressure whether sitting or standing, and certainly finding it difficult to digest food easily. Taking time to meditate and just be still, I decided to 'check in' with myself to see what still needed to be cleared as clearly this stomach 'issue' wasn't going away until I did. Or at least that's what I was feeling.

Anyway, as I laid quietly just letting my thoughts wonder, I found myself drifting back to my childhood home in southern California. I saw myself in my bedroom, mad and crying (I was between 6 & 8). What disturbed me the most was seeing the self punishment I was giving myself. I was punching myself in the stomach as hard as I could, telling myself to stop. Stop what, you ask? Stop feeling! Stop receiving intuitive feelings and insight.

I've known my whole life I receive intuitive whole life! When I was 9 years old, I remember having a private conversation with my grandma and telling her what I saw and felt. I remember her getting quiet and touching me softly and saying, "honey, you have a special gift but we won't tell anyone about it because they won't understand and harm could come to you". I could remember feeling scared and wondering why would God give me this if it was going to get me hurt.

Over my lifetime since then I've denied or at best kept it to myself what I felt or saw and just stored all that denial........stuffing it into my stomach. This all became clear last Friday evening.

I found myself laying in a pile of tears feeling so bad for that little girl part of me that punished herself so brutally for not understanding. I found myself crying for my grandmother who did what she thought was right for me at such a young age. It was during this time that I realized what I needed to do. I needed to release any unforgiveness I had, any wrongdoing I had done to myself, and the hate I had for having a 'gift'. In doing so, I could feel my stomach start to move, and over the last 3 days my stomach has improved far beyond anything I've experienced in the last year.

It is by far not feeling 100% well, but then again there's been a great many years between my early childhood and now filled with denial, pain and anquish that it now needs to be cleansed, comforted, and guided back to complete health.

One may ask if such a thing is possible when one's body has been in a dis-eased for so long, and the answer is yes.

I now acknowledge and accept that for some reason I've been blessed as many, if not all, of us have with the gift of intuition on some level or another. As I've been working specificially with massage clients over the years, and have seen with my own physical eyes and felt inside my body (what is often referred to as a "gut feeling") information I woudn't ordinarily know, I can no longer deny this gift of intuition.

I accept this divine blessing, and give thanks for it. I consider it a great honor to serve as a conduit in other's healing or perhaps better stated, wellness.......for after all that's where we are headed.

So as you continue along your journey of clearing and cleansing this month, I encourage you to do so with ease and grace. As your sensitive side is enhanced even more, remember to ground yourself.