Pain in spite of reason

As we travel through this journey we call life, there’s so many hills and valleys. There are so many unexpected curves, and roads with either short or long distances.

Often times I ask myself, why? Why is it that we have to experience all these things……all these emotions and feelings? Really, what is the purpose? In the big scheme of things, what are we all suppose to be doing on this journey called ‘life’?

I visualize us being in a human maze with no real direction, no real sense of knowing how big or long the maze really is because we don’t get an overhead preview. Would it make any real difference if we did have an overview? Would we rationalize to ourselves when the actual journey of the maze seemed endless that there’s a beginning and an end and we are somewhere in between, with no attachment to feelings, or feeling happy for the experience, frustration for not recalling all the details of the previewed maze, or disappointment because as prepared or as strong as we may have been for the journey, it did not end up the way we wanted?

As happy and optimistic as I may be in my life, I’m certainly not exempt from feeling disappointment, sadness and depression. As much as I can see the good in everything, I’m always surprised when depression and/or stress enter my being.

I think what always brings on these feelings is a result of human interaction. The ending of a job, schooling, project, or any other material thing we can image, doesn’t seem to have quite the impact as the ending of a human relationship, whether an ending of a life, friendship, intimate relationship, etc., the pain seems to always be the same, unbearable.

I’ve recently experienced some physical health issues that have been a result of stress and sadness, and it scared me. Thankfully, it wasn’t my heart as I suspected; it was more along the lines of an ulcer and vertigo. However, not experiencing these physical symptoms before really concerned me. As much as I thought I could talk (reasoning mind) myself out of thinking the worst, my mind (thinking) also scared me to suspect the worst. It’s amazing; really, how powerful our thought process can affect us either positively or negatively.

Of course, reasoning mind says, “this too shall pass”; however, my emotional and physical being is currently experiencing anguish.

I think the worst part for me is the feeling of being once again exposed. When you have any kind of personal relationship, you make yourself somewhat vulnerable by revealing your (strengths and weaknesses) to another, and then when they are gone you are left feeling vulnerably exposed.

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That’s the deal.” ~C.S. Lewis