2013 - Looking back

Greetings,

For us, 2013 started out a bit subdued as we (entire family) were in the throws of supporting Claudia (sister-in-law) through very aggressive forms of chemo/radiation treatments against cervical cancer. Her braveness and strength during the whole process will forevermore be remembered and revered greatly. She was, is and will always be, in my book, amazing. As of November 2013 Claudia’s doctors have told her they are amazed at her progress and that she is clear.

In late February we traveled to southern California as our Aunt Judy passed, which coupled together with Claudia fighting against something so aggressive, resulted in some very reflective moments. Humbling time period for sure.

On a lighter note, Amira and I delved into our perspective sports (gymnastics and belly dance) and had a great year doing so. Amira competed in three gymnastic competitions, resulting in winning the All-Round trophy for each competition. She competes in floor, vault, bars, and beam. She says her favorite is bars. She is absolutely amazing to watch, such poise, grace, elegance and strength. To see her so focused and disciplined is definitely motivating. As of the writing of this newsletter, Amira has been asked to try out for the competitive team and hopes to begin training in January.

During this last year, I had the pleasure of performing at 6 different local belly dance events, with some of the most influential and supportive women I’ve been blessed to have in my life.

Along with our physical activities, we traveled a bit. During Amira’s spring break she and I took a mother/daughter overnight trip to San Francisco. We walked around the labyrinths at Grace Cathedral, wandered around Chinatown, absorbed the sights and sounds of the Japanese Tea Gardens, and drifted through Golden Gate Park as well as the Pacific Heights district of San Francisco. We had a glorious time.

At the end of Amira’s spring break, dad returned from wintering in Arizona, and we finished off her break along with celebrating his return by spending a couple of days in Monterey.

In July I conducted my first group class, which consisted of conducting a live demonstration on releasing old baggage (emotions). It was a thrilling event, and one I hope to build from in the future. My intention for 2014 is to continue to blend counseling/coaching with massage as well as conduct workshops/classes to empower others.

At the end of summer, Dad, Amira and I took a weekend trip to Ferndale, which is located on the top northern coast of California. The drive was gloriously beautiful and the weekend of exploring the redwoods was magical.

In November my friend Dawn assisted me with my 3rd annual massage fundraiser event, which this year’s charity was for Courage Worldwide. It’s an organization that helps girls who have been sex trafficked. Courage Worldwide has a recovery house in Loomis, which is the chapter we supported. Because of the outpour of support from others as well as my desire to assist in the empowerment of women, this particular charity will be one I continually support.

This year, 2013, for many has been a year like no other. Globally we’ve witnessed some unbelievable events that will forever change the world, as we know it. Locally, our own homeland, we’ve witnessed some shocking, life altering events that will forever change the world, as we know it. Personally, specific to each individual, we’ve had unexpected changes (relationships, living environment, careers, etc.), experienced a plethora of physical and emotional disentanglements (learning to re-open our heart and feel), highs and lows of physical energy which will forever change the world as we know it, and yet through it all we have somehow remained in tack. How utterly amazing is that!

As we prepare for 2014 may we enter it with wonder, hope, and an open heart.

With so much love

Becoming the thing you fear - sucks

I woke this morning with this unsubtleness to break down and cry. Having an overwhelming feeling of ‘fatness’; a distinct feeling of disgust for my body that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Body aching terribly---jaw hurts, back of head near base of neck throbbing, joints are stiff, stomach hurts to bend over, and everything about my body feels stiff and bloated. Doing too much dancing on my toes and calves begin to cramp, and the tears slowly release. God help me, please.


For the longest time now I’ve lived in denial about my body.

When I was younger, I heard a repeated line, “your face is so pretty, and if you’d lose weight you’d be perfect”.

For years, I starved myself, became bulimic, and even physically hurt myself for being ‘fat’.

I tried every diet in the book---tried pills, different programs as well as doctors in an attempt to not be fat. I exercised 5 to 6 days a week. Pushed myself physically and mentally to not be fat.

I was a girl with a big butt and thick thighs and a waistline that was tiny in comparison. Hated everything about me from my waist down.

As the years went by I gave up having a scale in my house. I gave up feeling bad about food. Gave up counting fat, counting calories, counting carbs, counting glasses of water, counting protein…………counting of any kind.

I had a child over 10 years ago and have pretty much devoted my life to raising her. Every now and then I would get a ‘negative’ thought about food and/or my body and quickly push it away, telling myself to ‘feel’ better.

I now realize that over time I’ve traded my obsession with not being skinny to complete and utter ‘ignore’ with regards to all things associated with my body. It’s really no wonder I have no idea who the person is when I see pictures of myself.

I feel I’ve lost the battle of what I feared most being---fat, and have become that very thing---fat.

Yes, psychologically, I absolutely get it if someone else presents this to me, and I know what to do, but as of this moment I’m sitting before the individual (me), who just happened to have an Aw-Ha moment and feels like shit for realizing what she’s become.

It would be so wonderful to believe we could out smart ourselves, but truth be told---we can’t.

As we continue to be cracked wide open this year, with absolutely everything on the table---free from any hidden spots---I realize I must be with it all and FEEL....letting the reality that is be my release. As much as it absolutely SUCKS, it must be done.

Newest Member to Blogging

Greetings All,
I'd like to introduce the newest member to the Blogging community---my daughter, Amira.
http://talesbyamira.blogspot.com/2013/11/introduction.html

Amazing times we are living

Once again the flow of powerful fluctuating energy leaves me bewildered and filled with awe at the same time.  One minute feeling extremely fatigued, feverish, sinus congestion, and listless, and the next minute feeling like a live electrical wire, having so much energy that my body can barely contain itself.  Literally experiencing these two extremes in a matter of a couple of days. Craziness!

With this highly electrical energy wave surging through, our senses are definitely heightened, almost to the point of feeling painful.  Sounds and pitches of peoples’ voices can be a bit much as if those you are around have multiplied 10 fold.

One day feeling constricted or small and the next day feeling complete and utter expansion as if you are larger than life.  Did I mention CRAZINESS!

As many times as I’ve experienced this unexplainable, magnificent energy of contract and expand during 2013, I’m still bewildered by its appearance.  Perhaps it’s the subtleness, the unexpected timing, the extreme polarities of highs and lows, the physical impact felt in our physical bodies long after our brains have processed the extremes, and yet magnificently through it all we remain.

So many facets of our existence are being altered on an unbelievably fast track.  Think about it for just a second.  During this year alone, collectively/globally/universally (it can not be expressed enough that what is happening to you as an individual is happening AROUND THE WORLD as well) we’ve purged more of our emotional baggage (we see this in our social medias, mainstream media, and in our own circle of people), shedding ourselves of those things no longer serving us or weighing us down (have we not seen, at least in the States, more Goodwill distribution centers popping up everywhere), living spaces or situations being drastically changed, and personal relationships being reviewed.  As all the above-mentioned situations have been going on, there’s also a sense of community building, a subtle sense of compassion and sensitivity being experienced on a grander scale.  Even through all the physical, emotional, and spiritual highs and lows being felt individually at different extremes and times, as a collective mass we seem to be creating a global unity.  This is not to say everything is going to be rosy and perfect, but what it does mean is we are evolving as a species as we have been since the beginning of time, and that my friends is something to celebrate.  How utterly exciting is it to be a part of such a cycling change on earth?  Not only as a species are we evolving, but our planet is simultaneously as well.  WOW!  Think about that magnitude for just a minute…..if that doesn’t blow your mind for just a second I don’t know what will.

How blessed are we to be living this very time on earth?  Evolution or the changing of the earth and its inhabitants is nothing new as we can look back over history to see the earth’s plane has altered itself as well as plant life and animal life.  There’s even some documentation stating most of human life had been wiped off the face of the earth due to natural disasters and then started over again. So, how exciting to be part of yet another evolutionary change and not being wiped off the face of the earth. I know some will argue we are living the ‘end days’, but I ask you to ponder, what if we are actually living the ‘beginning days”?

Until next time, continue to be kind to yourself and others.

Overly Sensitive

Among the many things you may be experiencing as of late (i.e., physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual changes/challenges), I'd like to talk about being what some may consider "overly sensitive".

For those among us who are very sensitive to energy – and that includes most everyone reading this – it is easy to pick up on and absorb what those around us are going through, mistaking it for our o...wn feelings. Picture a high wattage lightbulb and how much electricity it gives off when you are near it. When you are around something like that you can hear the buzz and you can sometimes even feel that zhoozy, electricity feeling in the air. So as we’re all walking around, in our homes, workplaces and communities, we are feeling all the ‘electricity’ going through people that they are having a hard time processing. Where a person’s inner aspects are waking up and trying to get their attention, but are continuing to be ignored or repressed, that energy isn’t flowing as it should be. It keeps circulating around the body, generating the turbulence. So on some level, a sensitive observer can feel this, like it’s a combustion waiting to explode, or a dam about to burst. Sometimes we are aware we are picking up on the other person’s ‘stuff’, other times we don’t realise until later.

It helps to say something like: “if this is not mine, please go back to your rightful owner with love.” The more we’ve cleared our stuff, and the more we know who we are, the easier it becomes to distinguish what is yours vs what is not.

On the other hand, we should also realize we are still clearing within ourselves that part of ourselves we didn't even realize was still there. A part of ourselves we had no idea still had an impact on us.

During this latest round of energy push-down, as I like to call it, I found myself once again feeling deep agonizing pain in my solarplex area. Lots of bloating, painful pressure whether sitting or standing, and certainly finding it difficult to digest food easily. Taking time to meditate and just be still, I decided to 'check in' with myself to see what still needed to be cleared as clearly this stomach 'issue' wasn't going away until I did. Or at least that's what I was feeling.

Anyway, as I laid quietly just letting my thoughts wonder, I found myself drifting back to my childhood home in southern California. I saw myself in my bedroom, mad and crying (I was between 6 & 8). What disturbed me the most was seeing the self punishment I was giving myself. I was punching myself in the stomach as hard as I could, telling myself to stop. Stop what, you ask? Stop feeling! Stop receiving intuitive feelings and insight.

I've known my whole life I receive intuitive guidance........my whole life! When I was 9 years old, I remember having a private conversation with my grandma and telling her what I saw and felt. I remember her getting quiet and touching me softly and saying, "honey, you have a special gift but we won't tell anyone about it because they won't understand and harm could come to you". I could remember feeling scared and wondering why would God give me this if it was going to get me hurt.

Over my lifetime since then I've denied or at best kept it to myself what I felt or saw and just stored all that denial........stuffing it into my stomach. This all became clear last Friday evening.

I found myself laying in a pile of tears feeling so bad for that little girl part of me that punished herself so brutally for not understanding. I found myself crying for my grandmother who did what she thought was right for me at such a young age. It was during this time that I realized what I needed to do. I needed to release any unforgiveness I had, any wrongdoing I had done to myself, and the hate I had for having a 'gift'. In doing so, I could feel my stomach start to move, and over the last 3 days my stomach has improved far beyond anything I've experienced in the last year.

It is by far not feeling 100% well, but then again there's been a great many years between my early childhood and now filled with denial, pain and anquish that it now needs to be cleansed, comforted, and guided back to complete health.

One may ask if such a thing is possible when one's body has been in a dis-eased for so long, and the answer is yes.

I now acknowledge and accept that for some reason I've been blessed as many, if not all, of us have with the gift of intuition on some level or another. As I've been working specificially with massage clients over the years, and have seen with my own physical eyes and felt inside my body (what is often referred to as a "gut feeling") information I woudn't ordinarily know, I can no longer deny this gift of intuition.

I accept this divine blessing, and give thanks for it. I consider it a great honor to serve as a conduit in other's healing or perhaps better stated, wellness.......for after all that's where we are headed.

So as you continue along your journey of clearing and cleansing this month, I encourage you to do so with ease and grace. As your sensitive side is enhanced even more, remember to ground yourself.

Determination, Focus, and Practice equals Success

Following the Summer Olympics last year, Amira decided she really wanted to try gymnastics.  We found a gymnastics’ facility not far from our house and signed her up for a month worth of classes.  After two weeks of classes, her teacher decided Amira needed to advance to another level as she was already more than capable of handling the moves being presented in the entry level class. 

Realizing Amira really had a love for the sport, decided to keep enrolling her in classes.  During the second month of her classes, her teacher once again approached me and said there was a competition coming up in February and she really believed Amira would be a great fit for their team.  So began the competition training as well as continued weekly classes.

The competition was to be held at California State University Sacramento on February 23, 2013.  She was thrilled, excited and nervous all at the same time.  Amira is not a morning person, but on the day of the performance she had no problem waking up early…..lol funny how that works. 

We arrived at the gym early and found front row seats.  The energy in the air was exhilarating, and all the performers stood tall and proud.

There were four routines the girls could do, the beam, the vault, the floor, and the uneven bars.  Amira participated in all four routines.

After all the performances were completed and scores were tallied, all the gymnasts and their coaches sat in the middle of the floor awaiting their results.  You could feel the anticipation and excitement, I think even more from the crowd and coaches than the gymnasts themselves.

Amira received a 3^rd place in the vault, a 2^nd place from the floor, a 1st place on the uneven bars and a 1^st place on the beam.  It was all very exciting to see all the gymnasts approach the stage and receive their ribbons.  After the ribbons for each routine was passed out they then awarded medals to those that competed in the All Around (competing in all four events).  Amira was not awarded a medal in this event because she actually won 1^st place in this event, which afforded her a trophy.  She was so thrilled and beamed with pride at winning her first trophy.

I know I couldn’t be more proud of her for her accomplishment for she truly put her heart and soul into practicing diligently and focusing on what she was being taught from her coaches.

It’s been a testament and honor to watch what such determination can achieve.

Why Bullying Contiues - Lack of Accountability

Are you kidding me right now?  In this day and age when the media is continually running ad campaigns of the need to stop bullying, it seems to continue being alive and well.  Amira has been the victim of bullying from a girl in her class pretty much since the start of this school year (August 2012).  I was not aware of this happening until her astute teacher brought it to my attention at our parent/teacher conference (October 2012).  Amira was with me during this conference and between her teacher and I we discussed what had been going on with this other girl and reassuring Amira that no one has the right to say or touch her in anyway.  He acknowledged to Amira he knows she’s (Amira) a kind, respectful person and for her to understand speaking up for herself is not a sign of being unkind or disrespectful.  Learning what was going on in class and how her teacher was attentive to the situation gave me a sense of comfort.

As the school year progressed this little girl’s behavior towards Amira escalated gradually. First it was telling fabricated stories, and then it was doing an inappropriate act during the class picture resulting in not only disrespecting Amira personally but the entire class as well.  Bringing the class picture to the teacher caused him to even step up his vigilance over this little girl.  Tightening the reigns on her movement in class.

Although things seemed to remain under control in class because of the separation and lack of movement around the class on this little girl’s part, the taunting continued during lunch recess, and has since spread to other children (a classmate and friend Amira hangs out with).

The final straw that has broke the camel’s back was when I learned this little bully spit on Amira as well as the other above-mentioned classmate.  She’s a sneaky one all right and clearly knows exactly what she’s doing.  Like a lion waiting patiently to attack its prey, she waited for the opportune time to attack these two girls the moment the teacher left to take his lunch break.  When Amira told me about this latest situation, I immediately contacted the teacher, as this was completely unacceptable. The school has a program called ‘peer mediation’ where two parties can bring their dispute to the table for a panel of their peers to help them resolve the matter.  Unbeknownst to me the school asked Amira and this girl if they would elect to go to peer mediation, as this is one of the countless steps that are taken according to the policies and procedures of the school.  After finding out Amira attended this session I was very upset, as I did not think this particular situation (spitting on someone) was a ‘peer mediation’ dispute as much as I saw it as a physical assault.  My understanding is a dispute is when two or more parties have a disagreement about something and need assistance solving the dispute, NOT a victim and an assailant sitting together discussing the assault.

The teacher’s next step was to have a face-to-face with the parents to discuss their child’s behavior.  The result of this meeting was after much discussing the teacher was able to get the parents to concede that it MIGHT be possible their child is conducting herself inappropriately, BUT that they (parents) believe their child is not malicious but rather not aware of her actions.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

After discussing this issue with the Vice Principal last week, I realize even with today’s mass media awareness of bullying so many want to continue believing we don’t live in that reality.  When discussing the issue with the VP last week her response to me was, “first of all that is absolutely disgusting to be spit on, on the other hand we should be thankful we don’t live in East L.A.”.  I just about lost my mind at this statement.  How can someone live in such ignorance that it’s not happening around us?  East L.A., City of Stockton, or any other overly crime-ridden town didn’t get that way over night. In order to change old ways, patterns and behaviors we must first acknowledge it’s possible they exists.  If we cannot even do the basics of acknowledging such things exists, those existing things just continue to perpetuate out of control. Oy!

As of this afternoon I have a meeting with the school to discuss these unacceptable and preposterous situations. I expect to receive a copy of their written policies and procedures for handling bullying, as well as inquire as to their written policies and procedures for aiding and assisting victims of bullying.  I use the word ‘inquire’ about victims’ protection, as I’d be surprised if they have anything as of yet.  I’m also asking for copies of any/all notes, reports, etc that have been documented this far on this child.  I’m also expecting the school to tell me how this child has been made to adhere to the teachings of Maria Montessori (some of the basic teachings of Maria Montessori are teaching accountability, responsibility and respectfulness).

I’m all about living in a peaceful world, and in order to do so I must first acknowledge that not all are peaceful and so must eradicate those that are not peaceful from my life and cherish those ones that are peaceful in my life.  In fairness, I believe this little girl is a victim as well, and I would like nothing more than to see her behavior change for her betterment as well as those around her.  High school bullies don’t become bullies in high school, they become bullies in elementary school. Why should we wait until high school to do something about it?  For haven’t we already witnessed enough of the affects of high school bullying via school shootings?  It is my desire to get this little girl and her parents whatever help they need to straighten out how their child is conducting herself for her own safety and well-being, as one day a bigger bully may just come along and hurt her badly.  In addition to that I’ll do whatever I have to do to protect and guide Amira physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

Between Before and After

How many thought that the time of great awakening, in comparison to the era preceding it, would be a little like the before and after photo’s of a weight loss story: two dramatically different images with one being heavy and sad, the other being light and joyously happy? We’ve all carried some form of ‘before and after’ images in our minds concerning the way we imagined/felt/intuited life would lo...ok 2013 and beyond, however just like the weight loss photo’s, we may not have had any images depicting the amount of time and active steps it takes to get from ‘before’ to ‘after’ – particularly the amount of time and active steps it takes to get a whole humanity from ‘before’ to after’, to get whole systems from ‘before’ to ‘after’ including politics, media, health, education, environment conservation, social welfare, justice, sustainable housing, corporations, finance etc.

The point being to continue striving forward in your daily life, knowing that the process between "before and after" is still in affect. It's like hitting a plateau along the journey of weight-loss. During such a period of time it seems, on the outside (scale, clothes, etc.), NOTHING is changing and we become frustrated and disappointed in the process. However, in reality what is transpiring during this time period is a shift within ourselves thus allowing for the next phase to unfold, (another drop of weight or perhaps inches) which will reveal itself on the outside, showing us our progress. Progress and transformation are truly done from the inside/out.

Knowing what this process (still using the weight-loss scenario as an example) takes for an individual to achieve, can you imagine what it is like for an entire planet of individuals? Overwhelming to assume, for sure. However, just as you continue to strive, achieve and change know you are not alone and that others struggle and cheer at their journey's process as well. I believe the goal here is to be as supportive with yourself during the process as you are with others. For truly, many of us are far gentler, supportive and kind in others' pursuits than we are of our own. Should you be someone who continually gives (in whatever fashion) to others and less to yourself, you may want to evaulate the thoughts/beliefs that you hold onto that tells you, "I'd be selfish if I thought of myself", because you are just as important to the process of change. We must each allow ourselves to balance the scales of giving and receiving to continue the process of transformation.

As we continue down the road of awakening (systems, thoughts, beliefs, ways of doing business that need overhauled) and transformation (evaulating your own thoughts/beliefs, effective changes gradually being made around the world), know we ARE in the process between "before and after".