When Spirit Moves You

Interesting morning-
One never knows what Spirit/God/Creator/Allah/Jehovah...whatever name you prefer to use, will bring you.

The musing I'm about to share may sound strangely odd, but nonetheless very surreal to me.

I've been seeing the word 'forgive" in various forms recently, and being one who fancies them self of philosophical sayings, I appreciate the wisdom in such phrases.

Taking a moment of solitude this morning, enjoying the gentle calm of the early morn, I find myself pondering on the word forgive and what it means to me on this day, for I'm well aware of what the word means and feel I've done it on various levels throughout my life, but today in particular I feel I'm being called to look at this word again.

As I sit quietly, suddenly I'm presented with a question,,,,,"have you truly forgiven Adam (my ex)?" My first immediate reaction is to say, "yes". However, on a deeper level I'm asked once again, "have you truly forgiven Adam"? The second time I pause before answering, and earnestly walk down memory lane and see where I have 'forgiven' him justifiably. What I mean by justifiably is, in my own way I felt I had forgiven him because I don't talk ill of him, I don't wish him dead, I don't wish harm to come to him, etc. I've also gone so far to say, "it's not my place to judge his wrong choices". However, is that true forgiveness?

As I mulled over these thoughts my ego wanted to justifiably say 'yes', but in truth I don't think I had done so egolessly (new word--like it? lol) This is not to say that I hadn't forgiven him on some level, but today it seemed I needed to forgive him on another level. I realized my forgiveness was based solely on what I thought I was suppose to do in order to move forward in my life. This is not to say I haven't moved forward or evolved, but today was bringing something deeper.

All this is processing through my head when all of a sudden I hear this gentle Spirit ask me, "have you walked a minute in his shoes to understand his reasons for doing what he did? or have you judged his reasons based on what you thought he should have done?" At this pivotal moment I realized I had never once imagined what he must have been going through to make the choices he made. Yes, I knew some of the terrible choices he made that placed himself and potentially Amira and I in some pretty bad situations, but never once had I actually metaphorically put myself in his place. At that very moment I felt what it was to forgive......to do so without prejudice, judgment, or justifications, but to just forgive.

So, where does it go from here? Who knows, who cares.....what I do know is today he and I have been set free....no longer bound to one another due to unforgiveness. 

Between Before and After

How many thought that the time of great awakening, in comparison to the era preceding it, would be a little like the before and after photo’s of a weight loss story: two dramatically different images with one being heavy and sad, the other being light and joyously happy? We’ve all carried some form of ‘before and after’ images in our minds concerning the way we imagined/felt/intuited life would lo...ok 2013 and beyond, however just like the weight loss photo’s, we may not have had any images depicting the amount of time and active steps it takes to get from ‘before’ to ‘after’ – particularly the amount of time and active steps it takes to get a whole humanity from ‘before’ to after’, to get whole systems from ‘before’ to ‘after’ including politics, media, health, education, environment conservation, social welfare, justice, sustainable housing, corporations, finance etc.

The point being to continue striving forward in your daily life, knowing that the process between "before and after" is still in affect. It's like hitting a plateau along the journey of weight-loss. During such a period of time it seems, on the outside (scale, clothes, etc.), NOTHING is changing and we become frustrated and disappointed in the process. However, in reality what is transpiring during this time period is a shift within ourselves thus allowing for the next phase to unfold, (another drop of weight or perhaps inches) which will reveal itself on the outside, showing us our progress. Progress and transformation are truly done from the inside/out.

Knowing what this process (still using the weight-loss scenario as an example) takes for an individual to achieve, can you imagine what it is like for an entire planet of individuals? Overwhelming to assume, for sure. However, just as you continue to strive, achieve and change know you are not alone and that others struggle and cheer at their journey's process as well. I believe the goal here is to be as supportive with yourself during the process as you are with others. For truly, many of us are far gentler, supportive and kind in others' pursuits than we are of our own. Should you be someone who continually gives (in whatever fashion) to others and less to yourself, you may want to evaulate the thoughts/beliefs that you hold onto that tells you, "I'd be selfish if I thought of myself", because you are just as important to the process of change. We must each allow ourselves to balance the scales of giving and receiving to continue the process of transformation.

As we continue down the road of awakening (systems, thoughts, beliefs, ways of doing business that need overhauled) and transformation (evaulating your own thoughts/beliefs, effective changes gradually being made around the world), know we ARE in the process between "before and after".

Random Blathering

Thank you in advance for your tolerance of my random blatherings, which serves as a processing method for me.

Epiphanies seem to drift through rather quickly and if we are not careful there’s the possibility we will miss them. Although, as loving and merciful as Allah is there’s a good chance others will come again down the pike.

These days I’m finding myself extremely frustrated and wondering what in the world could be causing me such frustration. After all, my life has been so wonderfully blessed. I live a humbly simple life filled with wonderful moments and memories that include explorations, spiritual connections, supportive family and friends, and a true treasure, Amira, alhamdullilah. Who could possibly want more? Isn’t it the human condition to always want or desire more than what we have already? Isn’t it the humble devoted spirit/soul that is absolutely grateful beyond measure for everything in existence at this very moment in time? How does one balance the two? They seem drastically conflicting and constantly at odds with one another, but somehow find moments of co-existence. Probably when our humaness stands steadily still for a moment and is ever present in the moment.

It’s no secret to anyone what I’ve been through in the last 4 years or so, since Amira’s father left. I don’t bring the situation up as a form of pity or as a way of continuing to brew upon it, but rather as a reflective point of where I’ve been and where I’ve come and how I feel about the future.

Of course when he first left I was in utter shock and dismay, to the point of even denial because after all the pain and shame was too much. Once shock, dismay, and shame decided they had done their part they left in order to allow depression to fill their spot. What a trade off---3 for 1! Thinking that couldn’t be a bad trade off the three for just one, it turned out to be more than I bargained for because depression carries a very powerful punch. Aside from the endless flowing tears of pain, the endless tears of guilt, the endless tears of worthlessness, and if completely honest with myself the endless tears of loneliness I hadn’t considered that someone like me could be depressed. Of course, this would then re-invite denial back into the picture because after all I was freakin’ depressed in spite of my perfect self that thought depression was only for the meek and timid. I hated admitting I was depressed because I never wanted to consider myself meek or timid; moreover, I never wanted to consider myself anything other than strong and smart both of which are not prerequisites for avoiding depression.

Besides how could I be depressed with an infant? I had to be strong for her. I had to teach her how to be a strong independent woman. How could I do that when I wasn’t even sure I was capable of doing so for myself? Somehow though we managed the storm by the grace of Allah, alhamdullilah.

All my waking moments, which were many because sleeping was difficult to do with depression, shame, worry, worthlessness, and all the other members of this clan that were interfering with my sleeping pattern, I spent in constant prayer and devotion with Allah. I had nothing else. God was the only one that I never felt like I was interfering with, or interrupting at 1, 2 or even 4 in the morning, or the only one I felt I could count on to be there no matter what, or the one I never felt I was burdening with my woes. Because after all as humans how much repeated stories of sadness could we possibly listen to without feeling like we were going to lose our minds or kill our friends for not getting over it? I could cry my heart out, I could be mad, I could be upset, I could be anything without the fear of rejection or abandonment, alhamdulliah.

Over time this became the most precious time of my life. The peacefulness that filled my emptiness, my ugliness, my shamefulness, my worthlessness and even my fearfulness, alhamdullilah.

I’ve become so dependent on this inner peacefulness, which I know can only come through God and my willingness to open my heart to receive His mercy. I suppose like all things it became habit forming in the since that I desired and longed for my precious time with Him, which could be reached at any moment and any where throughout my day. How’s that for a lifeline connection?

So, with beautiful blissfulness that fills my soul, why do I still feel myself at times feeling frustrated? I think because I know my true nature, which is not to be a celibate being, not to be a nun, not to be a Yogic guru tucked away in a remote location, and not to be single for the rest of my life. There’s a part of me that yearns for the intimacy of a husband, for the comfort and strength of a man, for the partnering of two souls to journey together through this crazy ride called life. However, I believe I realized this morning (hence - epiphany) perhaps the reason for my frustration. As much as I desire a husband, I dreadfully fear losing myself again. Knowing myself, and knowing that when I allow myself to love someone I love them completely. I love them with flaws and all----to the point of losing myself in them, which I realize is not what love is suppose to be about because when you do that you deplete yourself so much to the point of not being able to receive it in return. There’s a part of myself that wonders if my behavior has been changed through this spiritual refinement I’ve been going through all these years or if that part of myself remained the same. There’s a part of me that doesn’t even want to take that risk to find out because if it hasn’t changed then I know the outcome from the past, and am not sure I could live through such difficulty once again. On the other hand, I’m not sure I can’t take the risk to find out if I’ve changed because then I could be missing out on another wonderful blessing from Allah. To have someone love me completely without losing themself in the process would be so incredibly wonderful. Is that possible? Is it possible to allow someone to love me without me trying to assume the whole role of loving?

I realize this is about control. I realize even in my blissful simple life that one of the reasons it is so is because I feel I have control over it. I know, I should be enrolled in some program where I stand before a group and say, “Hi my name is IbeeBarbie, and I’m a control freak”. But the honest truth is this is who I am. Believe me there isn’t anyone that can debate with me more than I do with myself over this issue. How I need to acknowledge I’m only fooling myself to believe that I’m actually in control of anything. How I need to accept the fact that life has ups and downs and that no matter what they are just experiences in life----not forms of torture in the hopes of killing us. How I need to remember that the only way to live life, to feel love, and to forevermore be connected to God is through living with my heart open, but I seem to fall short of succeeding at this.

Realizing the difference between men and women, I wonder if there’s a man out there that will patiently deal with my crazy way of over analyzing everything to death before coming to a conclusion. Quite possibly to the same conclusion as he, with of course, his conclusion being a more direct beeline approach than mine. Moreover, if I’m completely honest with myself, am I willing to accept such a man with such strength to be in my life or will I consider that a form of controlling?

I realize I’m not the only person in this world that has felt, feels or will feel this way at some point in their life, I just happen to be on that path at this moment in mine.

I realize to have balance both spiritually as well as the human side to be able to blend my internal peaceful self with another human being requires me to take a risk. I’m not certain, but I think herein lies the frustration I’m dealing with. I desire to be married and have a family so dearly, but feel concern about balancing both my spiritual life with God as well as my human duties as a wife and mother successfully. Sometimes there’s a part of me that wishes I could just shut that desire off so I wouldn’t have to worry about failing again at another relationship, but the desire runs so deeply I’m not sure it could be shut off. More importantly, I’m not sure I want it to be shut off-----I just don’t want to fail again, is more the issue for me.

The funny part is there’s no one beating down the door that even requires such a decision to be made. So not sure why I’m even making such a deal out of it, but rather think it’s that part of myself that I tucked away that is wanting/needing to come out and live again, and that scares the hell out of me a little bit.

Signed the woman that needs to at least consider loosening up on control.

Three In One

UPDATE - ADDED PHOTOS AND VIDEOS

Sunday was going to be a fascinating day touching on the three major religions (Christianity, Islam, and Judaism) with an ever, slight assuming dash of Buddhism in a most unusual fashion.

Well yesterday was a fascinating day for us. It started out late morning with my parents picking Amira and I up to take us to a Jewish bazaar. A strange thought crossed my mind “going to a Jewish temple on a Sunday, which is generally considered a Sabbath day for Christians”, but what the heck I had never been and had always wondered about stepping through the temple doors. What better way to experience it than through a bazaar? It wouldn’t entail a service in Hebrew, which would somehow just sound like someone clearing their throat or some other inaudible sound to my untrained ears. So, I was thrilled at exploring this unchartered arena.

The whole premise behind us going to this bazaar was to watch my parents’ neighbor perform an ancient Japanese drum ritual. Funny, huh? Going to a Jewish temple to witness an ancient Japanese drum ritual. Does this mean we some how blended Buddhism with Judaism? Who knows?

My parents’ neighbors, Mark (Japanese) and Jenny (I believe Irish), converted to Judaism 20 years ago, hence one of the reasons we were going to the temple. Mark is also a competitor of this ancient Japanese drumming ritual, which his group was asked to perform at this bazaar. As an aside, they were absolutely fabulous.

There was also a petty zoo and pony ride area in the back of the temple, which consisted of a few ponies, a couple of sheep tied to a fence and a little caged area that had a duck, couple of chickens and a couple of rabbits that formed the “petty zoo”. Of course keeping with Jewish tradition (I know there will be those out there that blast me for this stereotype, but what the hell it’s my blog) charged us $3 for Amira to go around a perimeter the size of an individual parking spot—twice. We could have paid the full price of $5 to have someone using his or her personal camera to take her picture on the pony, but we passed as I had strategically positioned myself to snap her photo without being caught.
Oh I have so many other stereotypical comments running through my head, but feel that out of respect for my fellow human brethrens I will just keep them to myself.

Being that it was Sunday, one cannot help but recall that this great country of ours was founded on the principals of Christianity, so allowed my mind to co-mingle the thoughts of Christianity principles with that of the Jewish principles and smiled knowing that I was free to do so.

Amira and I returned around 2:00 in the afternoon and decided to take a nap. We had plans to be somewhere that evening at 6:30, so wanted to make sure we were both well rested for this upcoming event.

At 6:00 Amira had awakened from her nap and we quickly got ready to go. We were going for the first time ever to break our fast at one of our local mosques, and I was thrilled beyond words. I had never broke fast with anyone beside myself and now Amira, so was so excited I felt like a little kid.

A couple of weeks ago I was at Sharif’s (the local jeweler) and the owner Mamoud, always the gracious gentleman, extended an invitation to Amira and I to attend the mosque on Sunday to break fast with him, his family and the community. He and his family were hosting the evening meal. I told him I had driven by the mosque so many times, actually drove in the parking lot a couple of times, but just couldn’t bring myself to go in as I’m was so extremely shy. Again, in his ever, gentlemanly way, he lowered his voice to a soft tone, his big brown eyes even seemed to melt, and said “please come. Don’t be shy. I will introduce you to my wife. It will be myself, my family, and all the people that work here with me. You know them. You and Amira will not be alone. Please come.” How could anyone refuse such a gracious request?

So here we were, driving into the mosque parking lot with hundreds of people already there. Now mind you, I’m so self-conscious because I’m a blonde haired, blue-eyed American who could never be confused with anything else other than being an American. I am the poster child for the All-American looking girl. And of course I feel like every Muslim here is of some Arab background, although logically I know that is not true. How stereotypical, once again, to presume all Muslims are Arabs. We know that statistically that is not true, but right now it’s me in a sea of beautifully dark haired, big round dark-eyed, wonderfully olived colored skinned individuals (Amira included with them) and me---whitey. :-)

I’m thrilled because Mamoud, who I know as Sharif, fell out of the sky in front of Amira and I just as we enter the doors to greet us. Ok, ok, logically yes I stood out like a sore thumb with my deer in the headlights look and all the other stuff I described above, so I was easy for him to spot, but with that being said I didn’t have to venture too far in the doors, fearful, before he immediately was there to put my nerves at ease.

He settled us at a table with his family/friends and near where he would be. He always checked on us throughout the evening to ensure we were ok. We met the most wonderful people and immediately felt like we were with family, alhamdullilah.

They served us the most incredible lentil soup, which Amira devoured. One thing I can tell you about Amira is that she loves food with such a passion as opposed to an obsession. Food is a pleasurable exploration, but not an addictive drug that she needs to survive. Unlike perhaps many of us, self included, that has learned to have a love/hate relationship with food. I’ve learned so much from Amira in the short 4 years she’s been with me that it’s just unbelievable. Words cannot thoroughly express the gratitude I’ve given God for such a beautiful blessing.

After our soup, then we were to get in line and get our main meal. The adults at our table told me they had pizza for Amira if she wanted, to which I said “no, Amira prefers the other food over pizza”. They were delightfully shocked. Amira waited at our table while I gathered our meal. They had such an array of assorted foods that one couldn’t help but want everything. I settled for the rice, hummus, falafel, pita, salad and chicken. As soon as I returned to the table Amira dove right in and started savory the wonderful morsels. Literally this food just tickled our palettes and melted on our tongues. It was heavenly.

Dinner finished and the Imam, whom I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about, got up and spoke briefly and as expected delivered a very exquisite message. While he was speaking, men were carrying a tray from table to table handing out the most tantalizing dessert I had ever tasted in my life (I have no idea what it was beyond scrumptious). When the Imam finished speaking, I thought it would be time to go, but unbeknownst to me while I was listening to him speak, they (the unseen individuals) were placing yet another round of food on the tables behind us. It was when Amira tapped me on the arm, looking past me at the tables filled with food and signing to me that she was hungry, which I could hardly believe after seeing what she had already eaten, I turned around to find the tables filled with the most colorful display of fruit I had ever seen.

We got in line to fill yet another plate of morsels for her. She decided on watermelon and an orange slice. You could literally see the delight in her eyes as she slowly placed each piece in her mouth and let it roll around in there capturing all of the sweetness fruit has to offer.

Once finished, we graciously thanked our host, Sharif, for such a memorable evening, to which of course he has no idea how memorable of an evening it was for me.

Before falling asleep, I recapped the days events and could only thank God with teared filled eyes for such a wonderful day, for the blessings He bestowed upon us, for the health and wellness of my family and friends, and for the continual love He bestows upon Amira and I on a daily basis.

I just love the little boy - he's so serious.


Mark (Neighbor) behind woman in front.

Life's Travel

As you travel through life there are always those times
When decisions just have to be made,
When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,
And the rain seems to soak your parade.

There are some situations where all you can do
Is simply let go and move on,
Gather your courage and choose a direction
That carries you toward a new dawn.
So pack up your troubles and take a step forward -

The process of change can be tough,
But think about all the excitement ahead
There might be adventures you never imagined
Just waiting around the next bend,
And wishes and dreams just about to come true
In ways you can't yet comprehend!

Perhaps you'll find friendships that spring from new things
As you challenge your status quo,
And learn there are so many options in life,
Perhaps you'll go places you never expected
And see things that you've never seen,
Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds
And wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you'll find warmth and affection and caring,
And somebody special who's there
To help you stay centered and listen with interest
To stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you'll find comfort in knowing your friends
Are supportive of all that you do,
And believe that whatever decisions you make,
They'll be the right choices for you.

So keep putting one foot in front of the other,
And taking your life day by day.
There's a brighter tomorrow that's just down the road -
Don't look back! You're not going that way!