When Spirit Moves You

Interesting morning-
One never knows what Spirit/God/Creator/Allah/Jehovah...whatever name you prefer to use, will bring you.

The musing I'm about to share may sound strangely odd, but nonetheless very surreal to me.

I've been seeing the word 'forgive" in various forms recently, and being one who fancies them self of philosophical sayings, I appreciate the wisdom in such phrases.

Taking a moment of solitude this morning, enjoying the gentle calm of the early morn, I find myself pondering on the word forgive and what it means to me on this day, for I'm well aware of what the word means and feel I've done it on various levels throughout my life, but today in particular I feel I'm being called to look at this word again.

As I sit quietly, suddenly I'm presented with a question,,,,,"have you truly forgiven Adam (my ex)?" My first immediate reaction is to say, "yes". However, on a deeper level I'm asked once again, "have you truly forgiven Adam"? The second time I pause before answering, and earnestly walk down memory lane and see where I have 'forgiven' him justifiably. What I mean by justifiably is, in my own way I felt I had forgiven him because I don't talk ill of him, I don't wish him dead, I don't wish harm to come to him, etc. I've also gone so far to say, "it's not my place to judge his wrong choices". However, is that true forgiveness?

As I mulled over these thoughts my ego wanted to justifiably say 'yes', but in truth I don't think I had done so egolessly (new word--like it? lol) This is not to say that I hadn't forgiven him on some level, but today it seemed I needed to forgive him on another level. I realized my forgiveness was based solely on what I thought I was suppose to do in order to move forward in my life. This is not to say I haven't moved forward or evolved, but today was bringing something deeper.

All this is processing through my head when all of a sudden I hear this gentle Spirit ask me, "have you walked a minute in his shoes to understand his reasons for doing what he did? or have you judged his reasons based on what you thought he should have done?" At this pivotal moment I realized I had never once imagined what he must have been going through to make the choices he made. Yes, I knew some of the terrible choices he made that placed himself and potentially Amira and I in some pretty bad situations, but never once had I actually metaphorically put myself in his place. At that very moment I felt what it was to forgive......to do so without prejudice, judgment, or justifications, but to just forgive.

So, where does it go from here? Who knows, who cares.....what I do know is today he and I have been set free....no longer bound to one another due to unforgiveness. 

Movement

For the last couple of years it seems like we’ve been experiencing a pattern. Or perhaps it’s just that I’ve become more aware of time. In any event, during the last couple of years, each year starts out rather uneventful then around the middle of the year things really start to pick up speed. Certainly this year has been no exception. Although the world on a hold has been extremely active, it seems these activities have in some ways caused us all to stop or at best slow down. For certainly this year has been a show stopper on many fronts with the global economy dangling by a thread, tsunami in Japan, the unemployment situation in the U.S. (not to be elevated above any other countries unemployment situation—just it’s in my own back yard, so to speak), and the uprising/uprooting taking place in northern Africa to name a few. Needless to say someone, somewhere has been affected by these global events, which has caused them to stop or at best slow down. Perhaps these events have caused them to be present in their own lives for the first time in a very long time. I know on more than one occasion I’ve been halted in my tracks to stop and refocus to present time which was a true blessing, but yet at times so difficult to do when you’re so use to going a million miles another.

I’m not sure why we have this need, and possibly it’s just myself, to constantly be on the go, whether for family, work, education, etc. Even taking time for spiritual devotion (prayer) seems to be scheduled amidst all our other doings. Where did this way of thinking come from? This is not to say that I believe we should all be sitting around being unproductive, but maybe more reflective on how we spend our daily time. I think a lot of our daily living is not reflected on more than “this is what I have to do to survive”. Is that entirely true? Could we possibly live a different way and still survive?

Maybe, just maybe, these last couple of years of starting out rather uneventful and eventually progressing into more activity is nature’s way of slowing us down. Maybe it’s God’s way of giving us a gentle nudge to redirect our focus and reprioritize our lives. In any event, I feel blessed to be a part of this planet at this time of life to see the dynamic events unfold before the world as well as experience all the changes happening around us.

How do you feel about the times we are living in?

Processing of frustration

I find myself as of late feeling a bit frustrated. For some reason, logic doesn't always seem to be the first line of response when processing emotions.

About 3 weeks ago my clinic unexpectedly closed. We were given no notice, as from what I could gather the owners of the clinic were attempting until the last minute negotations with our building landlord which turned fruitless in the end. The landlord of our building is in Bankruptcy proceedings and his assets and properties are now under the control of a Federal Bankruptcy Trustee. The lease of our building came up for lease renewal and the Federal Bankruptcy Trustee denied our renewal. Very frustrating! The owners of our clinic offered to pay our lease rent for 3 or 4 months in advance in order for us to stay operational until our clinic could relocate to another location as the owners had already put the wheels in motion for aquiring another space, but again we were denied. This left quite a number of us instantly out of work, which of course is not a surprise or new news to anyone.........accept for those of us immediately affected by the situation.

In the meantime, the owners of our clinic also have a sister clinic further north.......it's a slower and smaller clinic. They offered us to work out of their sister clinic until they were able to get the other clinic relocated and operable. Due to the distance this sister clinic is from my home, I am only reasonably able to work 2 days a week there, which of course affects my income greatly.

I have been searching for alternative work as well as considering alternative methods of starting my own practice incorporating my skills. At the end of the day, what this frustration comes down too is a lack of financial resources. I have knowledge, skills and even a degree which is quite an accomplishment, but it seems without funds one is very limited.

Perhaps it is naivee to say that this current situation was brought about as an opportunity to catch my attention to do something different. From a spiritual standpoint, it has always been my experience and perhaps belief that when a door suddenly closes in your life, it's a sign that a new one is preparing to open and to be looking for that opening. It's within that timeframe (between the closing of one door and opening of another) I find myself. It's that timeframe of uncertainty that I allow myself to get frustrated. I want to know the answer. I want to know where the next door is going to open. I want to know when the next door is going to open. I don't know that I necessarily want to know how it will open as I leave the how part up to the Creator. Funny little side note about human behavior as much as many of us proclaim, profess and even believe in a Creator of the Universe....something higher than ourselves.....often referred to as Allah/God/Jehovah/Bhagwaan we seem to struggle most with the idea of completely surrendering to the unknown. Which, again, would express best how and why I am feeling the way I am right this moment. Thankfully moments don't last forever, but at times they feel that way.

I realize its the sitting through the in between times one must still them self to listen, see and hear answers, but at this very moment I'm not doing very well at any of those things.

Put the Glass Down!

The professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water init. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, "How much do you think this glass weighs?"

"50gms!".....100gms!".....125gms"... the students answered.

"I really don't know unless I weigh it," said the professor, " but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?"

"Nothing," the students said.

"Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?" the professor asked.

"Your arm would begin to ache," said one of the students.

"You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?"

"Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!" ventured another student and all the students laughed.

"Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?"asked the professor.

"No," was the answer.

"Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?"

The students were puzzled.

"What should I do now to come out of pain?" asked the professor again.

"Put the glass down!" said one of the students.

"Exactly!" said the professor.

Life's problems are something like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head and they seem OK. Think of them for a long time and they begin to ache. Hold it even longer and they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything. It's important to think of the challenges or problems in your life, But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT is to'PUT THEM DOWN' at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh and strong and you can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!

So,when you finish your day today, remember to PUT THE GLASS DOWN!

Winners and Whiners

The other day one of my co-workers had a book sitting on the desk next to them. The title alone caught my attention, thus causing me to pick it up and further inquire. Of course, I needed to borrow this little ditty because the cover was not enough to satisfied my need to read more.

Here's the title and description on the back cover.

The Top 10 Distinctions between Winners and Whiners

10. Winners take responsibility.
Whiners play the victim.

9. Winners can have what they want.
Whiners want what they cannot have.

8. Winners find a way.
Whiners find an excuse.

7. Winners brighten a room by entering.
Whiners brighten a room by leaving.

6. Winners listen twice as much as they talk.
Whiners talk twice as much as they listen.

5. Winners enjoy life's journey.
Whiners put their joy in the destinations.

4. Winners build friendships.
Whiners destroy friendships.

3. Winners think big.
Whiners think small.

2. Winners are focus-minded.
Whiners are scatterbrained.

1. Winners create positive meanings.
Whiners create negative meanings.

Thought for the day

As we go through our daily lives and thoughts, it's amazing when we come across something which causes us to stop and be fully present. Love those moments filled with messages to remind us to be grateful no matter what.

"All of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today."
- Dale Carnegie

Christmas 2009

What can one say about Christmas 2009-----aside for being grateful it's now over. Cynical, huh? In all honesty, the day was nice but was definitely different. Unlike last year, being the first year without my mom, which seemed rather surreal and numbing to say the least, it seemed emptier. We (dad, brother, and I) muttered through the holidays as if they were just another day----days we wanted to pass as quickly as possible for we didn't want to be reminded that she wasn't with us. Certainly with the passing of time the onslaught of uncontrollable tears has subsided slightly but the loss still remains the same.

On Christmas Eve the entire family went to a church service then over to my dad's for a lovely dinner. He's quite the gourmet. :-) The evening and time spent together was very nice.

Christmas day my dad came over to our house to watch Amira open her presents, have breakfast, as well as taking a nice long walk around the neighborhood. Then later we went to my brother's for dinner.

So, what made this holiday season seem any different?

Normally, the first person awake on Christmas day would call out "Christmas gift" which would then cause everyone else to wake up and gather around the tree. The caller of “Christmas gift” was also entitled to open the first gift. Even over the years when my brother and I had our own homes it would be a race to see who called whom first on the phone and shout "Christmas gift". Also, Christmas was always spent at my parents’ house. My mom loved the holiday so much that her excitement became infectious to all of us. She'd decorate her house with such care and enthusiasm. She’d also bake endless mounds of cookies and fudge to hand out to everyone she knew as well as have available for anyone that happened to stop by.

My dad and I are somewhat perceived as the bah-hum-bugs in the family because we don't get all into the hype of Christmas. However, this does not mean we do not have an appreciation for such excitement. Me and his idea of Christmas is getting together as a family, having a nice day and spending time together without all the commercialism. But, if left to our way of thinking it would feel rather lacking in festivity. Thank goodness my brother and his wife continue the celebratory fashion.

Anyway, unlike last year---feeling numb and surreal----this year felt different. It was as if a light bulb went off in my head and the realization of "nothing will ever feel the same as before" forged through my head.

It was certainly fun to see Amira's jubilation and feel her energetic gusto towards seeing everything and opening everything, but it just didn't feel the same.

I realize I'm still in the throws of processing these emotions. I realize I have the power to make the celebration happen anyway I wish, but for the moment I'm just mourning the loss of what "always had been". I miss my mom so much, and don't talk about it much because I don't wish to put that on Amira, and since she's with me nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week I don't get an opportunity to express these feelings much. I would be fooling myself as well if I thought the loss didn't haunt her at times as well, for as we were going to bed Christmas night she said to me in a saddened low tone, "when can we see Grandma---I miss her". I asked her if that's where she wanted to go in her dreams was to see Grandma, she said that she'd like for both us too. Thank goodness the lights were out because I didn't want her to see my tears.

Thanks for allowing me to process in writing what I can’t at times verbalize.

Profound Reminder

I received this from a friend and thought I'd pass it along.

Think before you speak

Had an interesting interesting conversation/topic come up recently. One that most would like to perhaps avoid or a best critize severely without really thinking about the situation before responding. Teen pregnancy!

What would you do if you found out that a teen age family member was 8 1/2 months pregnant and until that very moment you had absolutely no idea? I'm not talking about a family member that you don't see on a regular basis. No, I'm talking about a family member that lives under your own roof or a family member that you see very regularly.

There are no outward appearances of any physical change, no mood changes, no eating changes, no sleeping changes, or no changes with academic achievements. And suddenly one family member is the "lucky" family member to learn of this impending birth with very little time to react let alone perhaps make a rational decision on what to do as they are still in shock from the sudden announcement.

If you were presented with such a situation.....for the sake of conversation just hypothetically imagine.......how would you respond? What would be the option(s) (i.e., get the teen to the doctors, tell other family members, keep the child, adopt the child out, etc.)? Keeping in mind that eventhough you are perhaps realing from the sudden shock of the news, there's a teen that has been feeling terrified the entire pregnancy by keeping her silence.

Coexist

The word coexist in of itself sounds so lovely and wonderful and yet seems to be one of the most difficult things for us humans to accomplish on this planet. Why is that?

I've heard and read so many things indicating how different the east and the west are from one another, yet I never seem to see any definitives on this subject matter….more vague than concrete. Moreover, it seems whenever there is an expounding on this subject matter its more about the differences rather than the similarities. I wonder, just wonder, if we discussed and shared our similarities if we wouldn’t discover how much we are alike rather than not.

Part of the equation that seems to be so finely intertwined and at times difficult to tell the difference is cultural upbringing and religious teachings, and I think this causes confusion.

For the sake of discussion, please share what you feel are the similarities based on your experience or knowledge between the east and the west.

Latest Read

It's been awhile since I've posted any of the books I've been reading. Why? Merely because I've been too swamped to do much consistently.

Anyway, I'm about 3/4 of the way through this book "A New Earth" and have enjoyed every bit of it. It's certainly one of those books you don't read through in one night, as there's a great deal of content in it that requires one to really think.

To sum up this book in a real small nutshell it's regarding our egos, and how for the most part we live unconsciously aware of what and how our egos are causing us to respond to our daily lives. For until we bring our thoughts to a conscious level our egos remain in control. However, when brought to full conscious awareness of our thoughts, actions and reactions to any and all situations our responses a dramatically different.

Here's one little example of what was written in this book that I found interesting.

CARRYING THE PAST
The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heaving rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.

The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. "Why did you carry that girl across the road?" he asked. "We monks are not supposed to do things like that."

"I put the girl down hours ago," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"

Now imagine what life would be like for someone who lived like Ekido all the time, unable or unwilling to let go internally of situations, accumulating more and more "stuff" inside, and you get a sense of what life is like for the majority of people on our planet. What a heavy burden of past they carry around with them in their minds.

Again, this is merely an except for the book; however, it seemed rather applicable with regards to the recently much debated post by our dear fellow blogger, Khalid.

Very passionate comments have been filtering through this post which was initially done on April 13, 2008 and 6 days later continue to be going strong. I'm just as guilty because I continue to follow this particular post daily to see what's been commented on next. However, I wonder how much of the past memories or wounds or ways of thinking are going to continue dominating this post? Of course we all have past stories, memories, etc., however, how long do we continue to hold ourselves captive by these thoughts and memories? When do we free ourselves from them and recognize them as such, thoughts and memories? How do we ever more forward in our own existence and acknowledge that the only time we have is right NOW? We cannot change the past---and more importantly why would we want to? It is what it is--the past. Moreover, if remain stuck in the past how is it ever possible to think our future can be any different than our past when we've never released ourselves from the past imprisonment? Furthermore, is there really a future? None of us know that answer, so it would seem silly to tell ourselves things like, "when I obtain "this" then I'll be happy". Our happiness can only be created from this very moment of existence, so why rob ourselves of that splendid gift that God is trying to give us. Is it not true, the moment we feel most connected to God is in the present moment? We cannot go back to yesterday for that moment and we can't hope that tomorrow we'll feel close to God---it's only right NOW.

So, pondering, how long will we continue to debate, discuss, and perhaps offend our fellow humans for the sake of making our points which seems to be based on the past?
Perhaps by mere nurturing nature I feel like collecting everyone up, embracing us in silence and for us to just breath in unison, so we can be right here, right NOW. (I know ---- over the top, right?)

Interviews stink

Have you ever had an interview for a job, for admittance into a school, for a potential partner, or any other type of interview? How did the preparation for the interview feel? How did the actual interview being conducted feel? How did you feel after the interview awaiting an answer?

Interviews just stink in my opinion. Of course logically I understand why they are conducted; however, knowing that we subject ourselves to someone else’s opinion of us seems so damning. Although not so much if after going through the grueling process one puts themselves through in order to be considered for a ‘position’ pans well in their favor; however, when the outcome is not favorable to the interviewing applicant it feels so devastating.

Even when it’s a dual interview, meaning both the applicant as well as the interviewer is sizing each other up for a particular position and if both parties are not on the same page there’s going to be a loss.

Of course there are some whose temperaments just slough it off as no big deal and yet others that take that experience to the depth of their souls and wonder what or where they went wrong.

If we as humans are sitting in a position of decision making when considering an applicant for any position----including personal relationships, and decide the person they are ‘interviewing’ is not a match for them, why do they not feel an obligation to at least have the courtesy to tell the applicant their decision rather than merely remaining silent. Or merely advising them didn't get the position. Would it not seem more humane to be honest with the person you are interviewing and letting them know what your thoughts or feelings are when you’ve made the decision they are not the right “fit”? I know, I know there is some that feel they would be hurting the person’s feelings if they told them, why, which in my opinion is even worse than at least being honest with your feelings about your decision. Again, if we are to subject ourselves, which we do everyday in so many situations to be considered for ‘something’, then it would seem only reasonable to explain one’s decision. For it seems when the interviewing party actually selects the applicant best suited for their position, they seem to willingly explain to the applicant why they chose them, so why isn’t the same done for those applicants that were not selected. If one is willing to make the decision not to select an applicant then the least they should do is have the forthrightness to extend why in their opinion they didn’t choose the particular applicant. Of course the applicant chosen always has the right not to accept the position, but feel the same rule should apply. The applicant denying the position should also explain why they didn’t except the position. It seems like less negative feels or wounded egos would be unnecessarily injured as a result.

Moreover, if an applicant keeps going through interviews but is never successful in being selected for a position, wouldn’t it stand to reason that perhaps the applicant might need to work on something to improve in whatever area may have been lacking or undesirable to previous interviewers?

I’m curious to know your thoughts on the subject.

Integrity and beyond

What does it mean to someone to have his or her integrity attacked or humiliated? How does one deal with such an offense? How does one remain grounded and centered and not allow their ego to assume the role of either victim or evil barbarian?

Certainly we as individuals have our own point of view of how we perceive something being done or not done. However, what is it like to be on the receiving end of someone else’s perception of how they perceive something being done or not done if it contradicts your own perception of the same situation?

Certainly our temperament by nature will have a great determining factor in how we react or respond to such situations. (Disclaimer – please note the following are mere attributes of different temperaments.) For an example, someone with a Choleric temperament generally has a very strong Type A personality that is very driven. They are quickly and vehemently excited by any impression made; he/she tends to react immediately, and the impression lasts a long time and easily induces new excitement. They can be very abrupt, seemingly cold-hearted, and very driven by nature. These individuals are generally very successful people in the work-world; however, due to their driven and even perfectionist nature can be seemingly aloof emotionally and very difficult to connect with on a personal level. On the other hand someone with a Sanguine temperament is very outgoing, fun loving, the life of the party. Like the Choleric they are quickly excited by any impression made; however this quickly vanishes. These individuals seem to be ready at any given moment to do anything. However, they can be somewhat draining because they never seem to settle down at anything, almost as if to have a short attention span. These temperaments are great to be around for some in small doses because again of their fun loving nature; however, sometimes they can be seen as never taking anything serious including their own lives. Then there is the Melancholic temperament which is at first only slightly excited by any impression received; a reaction does not set in at all or only after some time. But the impression remains deeply rooted, especially if new impressions of the same kind are repeated. These individuals tend to take things on an emotional level far deeper than any of the other temperaments. For these individuals internalize far deeper than anyone could ever imagine even though from the outside seem very calm, collected and unaffected by situations. Individuals with this temperament have an extremely softhearted disposition. They tend to enjoy silence and solitude over crowds. These individuals are slow to trust due to their fear of ever being hurt. Last but certainly not least is the Phlegmatic temperament, which to some may seem well balanced because of their ability to be neither easily offended nor overwhelmingly distracted by failures or sufferings. These individuals generally remain composed, thoughtful, deliberate, and have a cold, sober, and practical judgment. They tend to live in the very moment, and can be easily distracted from their responsibilities.

I believe we are a combination of all these temperaments with one of them being a dominant and the others to subsequently fall in line behind the dominant one. Recognizing these temperaments is very helpful in perhaps understanding an individual’s reaction or non-reaction towards something. Moreover, recognizing your own temperament can prove helpful in understanding your own reaction or non-reaction towards something. However, where it might get tricky is knowing how to deal with someone else’s temperament with your own temperament, if it differs, which brings me back to the beginning of this lengthy post.

Have you ever taken the time to consider these different temperament types in your daily life? Have you ever taken the time to wonder why disagreements and/or conflicts go on unresolved or maybe painfully out of control? Resulting in the severing of personal and/or business relations with little or no hope for repair.

Given the nature of who we all are makes me wonder at times how on earth we have been able to co-exist this long. Once again proving to me that there is a director (God, Allah, Higher Power, Creator, Divine Spirit---whatever name you feel resonates best with you) managing this crazy production we are all performing in known as “life”.

From Endings to New Beginnings

As I begin to reflect back on the year 2007, I recall so many blessed memories. What more could anyone ask for then to be richly blessed with good health as well as family and friends that remain loyal through all things.

2007 was a year of ending of many things, be it work, relationships, current financial situations, spiritual journeys and even life. Although to some this may be posed as a negative, but rather endings are a great thing, and certainly a natural progression of life. For those of us that have loss work and/or revenue during 2007, we realize we’ve been freed to now explore the possibilities of what God has in store for us next----how exciting. For those that have ended relationships whether it is romantic, friendship, family or otherwise, we embrace the moments we had with them and hopefully grow into stronger individuals as a result of these endings. For those that have been seeking spiritual growth, this has been perhaps a year of ending old patterns or expanding our minds to grow deeper into our faith, which is certainly the most precious of all things in this lifetime. For those that have lost a love one (or more than one) 2007 was a reminder that their time here was finished. Although sad for those of us that are left behind because we miss them so painfully much, it’s also a great reminder of how compassionate and feeling we are in our hearts. It’s very easy to go through life and rationalize everything in an attempt to protect one’s heart from pain, but when instances as described above come along and cause us to feel with our hearts and no matter how much we try to reason ourselves out of our hearts, our heart is always successful if only to a degree, and this wonderfully painful or joyous experience is another precious gem from God to us.

As we soon begin to embark on 2008 it will definitely be a year of new beginnings for many, inshallah. Who truly knows where the road will lead each and everyone of us except for God. As we perhaps set goals and/or New Year’s resolutions for 2008 I would be curious to see how many of those truly come to fusion. For me personally no matter how many goals/plans I’ve prepared for, I’m always pleasantly surprised to see that they usually don’t turn out as planned-----and most times thankfully they didn’t because the result is always greater. Truly each year, I’m blessed far beyond that which I could have ever possibly imagined, alhamdullilah. May God bless each and every one of you far beyond your dreams and imagination. May you always be surprisingly gleeful when you recognize his blessing in all things.

My love to all.

What's in a day?

You never know what a day can bring. Yesterday morning as Vicky and I arrived at the gym to have our final workout together as she’s traveling to Las Vegas to spend New Year’s with her family, we climbed on the treadmill to begin our routine cardio warm-up. Nothing unusual or out of the ordinary from the day; however, the moment I looked up to one of the many TV monitors positioned in front of the cardio equipment I saw for the first time the headlines of the assassination of Pakistani’s former prime minister, Benazir Bhutto. For those that know me at all, know that politics are my least favorite topic as it’s something I neither show interest in or have enough knowledge to even sound remotely intelligent when discussing the latest news; however, the moment I saw this woman’s face----again without even knowing who she was, but merely an assassinated woman I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes. All I could think was how senseless----murder. Of course this is not the first political leader, high profile person, actor/actress or ordinary person like you and me, that I’ve heard murdered, but there is something so extremely precious about the human life that when it is taken from them in such a heinous manner it pains me.

Of course, things can be corroborated, justified, and even rationalized to somehow subdue the pain and suffering of the human heart, but the fact remains whether we knew, agreed, or opposed Benazir Bhutto’s political nature, another one of God’s creations has been killed. And the result of this recent event throws an already pained country further into despair; again, not from a political standpoint, but from a humanistic standpoint.

I’m not certain why, but it always seems more painful when it’s a woman or child. Maybe somehow, someway we can become more compassionate people through such hardships----I don’t know.

May God forgive her and bless her soul as well as all the others that have been killed.

Feel Terrible

Oh my goodness, I just got some news that's going to change my life as I know it, and I'm scared.

I just received a call from one of my bosses and I was adviced that I'm being let go from my position due to the economical market.

With having my own business, and it's a little unusual how it works, but regardless, I've been so blessed to have the people I've had around me to work for as it's allowed me to concentrate on raising Amira as a single mom. Receiving the news that I did today, advising me that my position will be done away with by the end of December, forces me to have to re-evaluate my life's strategies. Again, I've been so blessed to have all this time with Amira.....now there's a part of me that feels I need to go get one of those corporate jobs just so I can continue providing for us. If I do, this will ultimately take away the flexibility to take care of Amira if she's sick or anything like that.

It's never a good day to get a call like this because your ego immediately places you in the seat of "OH GOD----NOW WHAT DO I DO? PANIC? YEA, THAT WILL WORK----I'LL PANIC".

All I can do is cry, then fall to my knees and pray. Some how some way, Allah always opens a way-----I just have to find it, but until then my human side is screaming "what the hell am I going to do?"

Simply profound

While I was finishing up my workday today, I had Oprah on in the background. Denzel Washington was on there with some of the caster members promoting his new movie, The Great Debater. As an aside and probably too much information, Denzel is yummy. LOL

Anyway, one of the younger actor’s was talking about what they learned from Denzel while they were filming the film. He said that one of the things that will stick with him always that Denzel said was “A man gives awards, but God gives rewards”. What an awesome statement!

Love these little God winks as I consider them----messages that God sends to us in whatever fashion it takes to remind us of his everlasting love for us, alhamdullilah. Moreover, reminders for us to always keep our eyes focused on Him rather than seeking approval from mankind.

Thinking Out Loud

Well I suppose in order for there to be balance there must be good with the bad, huh? First, I’ll start with the good. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration with my family, with the exception of my brother’s absence, as his station was called to southern California in case there were anymore fire outbreaks. I have a small family, so celebrations are generally intimate and relatively quiet. Certainly my sister-in-law who comes from a larger family brings the loud excitement into the household, which we all welcome and enjoy, yet somehow enjoy the solitude once she leaves. No offense to her, it’s just sometimes it’s a bit much. Again, with all that being said we had a wonderful time, alhamdullilah.

Now for the flipside. I decided to call my grandmother (mom’s mom) who lives in southern California. She’s 86 years old and still lives on her own, alhamdullilah. Our families (grandmother and mom) have never been close---apparently there’s some issues between the mother and daughter that have gone all these years unresolved, which I can only continue to pray get resolved before either of them depart this planet, inshallah. Even though there’s not much closeness with our families, I still try to remain in contact through holidays, special occassions, etc. So, on Thanksgiving day I decided to call grandma and wish her a “happy thanksgiving”. She never answers her phone---it always goes to voicemail for her to listen to whose calling. So, I identify myself and continue to leave small talk on her voicemail until she picks up as I know this is her routine. She answers the phone so cheery and pleased to hear from me. She tells me her plans for the day and what she’s been up too. She then ask me if I’m getting ready to go to Jr’s, to which I just kind of blow off to perhaps her being a little confused because Jr is my cousin. Then she says, ‘well you know how your mom is with her lead foot”, and laughs. I quickly realize she thinks I’m my cousin, Kim. I tell her this isn’t Kim, grandma, it’s me, Ibeebarbie. “Oh, oh I’m so sorry”, she says. Instantly her tone changes, almost a little meloncoholish, which I find interesting, and then our conversation goes something like this. She ask in a somber tone how Amira and I are doing, to which I respond we are doing well. “Oh good, glad to hear it”. “I’ve been getting along ok, you know aches and pains and such”, she says. Then as if this isn’t a strange enough conversation she says, “so, did you find a man yet?” “No grandma, I haven’t”, I said. “Are you sure? What’s wrong?”, says she. “I don’t know grandma, just hasn’t happened yet.” “Oh, ok, so are you still dancing?”, ask she. “Yes grandma and so is Amira---she’s really enjoying it.” “Oh that’s nice. Have you lost any weight?”, ask her. At this point, I’m anxious to get off the phone because I’m tired of this crap as it always comes along with holidays and family stuff. We end our call with love for one another.

Get to my folks, and my dad starts in with “did you do something different with your hair?”. “No, dad. Just curled it.” “Oh”, with a smirk on his face…”it kind of looks like Hedy Lamarr's”, to which he starts laughing. Feeling so great about myself already because I have two strikes according to grandma because I don’t have a man and I haven’t lost weight dancing, now feeling the third strike cross the plate I’m being laughed at about my hair. Oh good grief---we still have Christmas and New Year’s to get through.

Quotes by Hedy Lamarr
"Any girl can be glamoous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." Now, doesn't that seem like something to strive for?

"If you use your imagination, you can look at any actress and see her nude, I hope to make you use your imagination." Good grief! I have a pretty good imagination, but I can't get past that HAIR. I swear mine doesn't look like the one in the picture. LOL

Anyway, I'm still thankful for all God has bestowed upon Amira and I's lives, alhamdullilah.

Random Blathering

Thank you in advance for your tolerance of my random blatherings, which serves as a processing method for me.

Epiphanies seem to drift through rather quickly and if we are not careful there’s the possibility we will miss them. Although, as loving and merciful as Allah is there’s a good chance others will come again down the pike.

These days I’m finding myself extremely frustrated and wondering what in the world could be causing me such frustration. After all, my life has been so wonderfully blessed. I live a humbly simple life filled with wonderful moments and memories that include explorations, spiritual connections, supportive family and friends, and a true treasure, Amira, alhamdullilah. Who could possibly want more? Isn’t it the human condition to always want or desire more than what we have already? Isn’t it the humble devoted spirit/soul that is absolutely grateful beyond measure for everything in existence at this very moment in time? How does one balance the two? They seem drastically conflicting and constantly at odds with one another, but somehow find moments of co-existence. Probably when our humaness stands steadily still for a moment and is ever present in the moment.

It’s no secret to anyone what I’ve been through in the last 4 years or so, since Amira’s father left. I don’t bring the situation up as a form of pity or as a way of continuing to brew upon it, but rather as a reflective point of where I’ve been and where I’ve come and how I feel about the future.

Of course when he first left I was in utter shock and dismay, to the point of even denial because after all the pain and shame was too much. Once shock, dismay, and shame decided they had done their part they left in order to allow depression to fill their spot. What a trade off---3 for 1! Thinking that couldn’t be a bad trade off the three for just one, it turned out to be more than I bargained for because depression carries a very powerful punch. Aside from the endless flowing tears of pain, the endless tears of guilt, the endless tears of worthlessness, and if completely honest with myself the endless tears of loneliness I hadn’t considered that someone like me could be depressed. Of course, this would then re-invite denial back into the picture because after all I was freakin’ depressed in spite of my perfect self that thought depression was only for the meek and timid. I hated admitting I was depressed because I never wanted to consider myself meek or timid; moreover, I never wanted to consider myself anything other than strong and smart both of which are not prerequisites for avoiding depression.

Besides how could I be depressed with an infant? I had to be strong for her. I had to teach her how to be a strong independent woman. How could I do that when I wasn’t even sure I was capable of doing so for myself? Somehow though we managed the storm by the grace of Allah, alhamdullilah.

All my waking moments, which were many because sleeping was difficult to do with depression, shame, worry, worthlessness, and all the other members of this clan that were interfering with my sleeping pattern, I spent in constant prayer and devotion with Allah. I had nothing else. God was the only one that I never felt like I was interfering with, or interrupting at 1, 2 or even 4 in the morning, or the only one I felt I could count on to be there no matter what, or the one I never felt I was burdening with my woes. Because after all as humans how much repeated stories of sadness could we possibly listen to without feeling like we were going to lose our minds or kill our friends for not getting over it? I could cry my heart out, I could be mad, I could be upset, I could be anything without the fear of rejection or abandonment, alhamdulliah.

Over time this became the most precious time of my life. The peacefulness that filled my emptiness, my ugliness, my shamefulness, my worthlessness and even my fearfulness, alhamdullilah.

I’ve become so dependent on this inner peacefulness, which I know can only come through God and my willingness to open my heart to receive His mercy. I suppose like all things it became habit forming in the since that I desired and longed for my precious time with Him, which could be reached at any moment and any where throughout my day. How’s that for a lifeline connection?

So, with beautiful blissfulness that fills my soul, why do I still feel myself at times feeling frustrated? I think because I know my true nature, which is not to be a celibate being, not to be a nun, not to be a Yogic guru tucked away in a remote location, and not to be single for the rest of my life. There’s a part of me that yearns for the intimacy of a husband, for the comfort and strength of a man, for the partnering of two souls to journey together through this crazy ride called life. However, I believe I realized this morning (hence - epiphany) perhaps the reason for my frustration. As much as I desire a husband, I dreadfully fear losing myself again. Knowing myself, and knowing that when I allow myself to love someone I love them completely. I love them with flaws and all----to the point of losing myself in them, which I realize is not what love is suppose to be about because when you do that you deplete yourself so much to the point of not being able to receive it in return. There’s a part of myself that wonders if my behavior has been changed through this spiritual refinement I’ve been going through all these years or if that part of myself remained the same. There’s a part of me that doesn’t even want to take that risk to find out because if it hasn’t changed then I know the outcome from the past, and am not sure I could live through such difficulty once again. On the other hand, I’m not sure I can’t take the risk to find out if I’ve changed because then I could be missing out on another wonderful blessing from Allah. To have someone love me completely without losing themself in the process would be so incredibly wonderful. Is that possible? Is it possible to allow someone to love me without me trying to assume the whole role of loving?

I realize this is about control. I realize even in my blissful simple life that one of the reasons it is so is because I feel I have control over it. I know, I should be enrolled in some program where I stand before a group and say, “Hi my name is IbeeBarbie, and I’m a control freak”. But the honest truth is this is who I am. Believe me there isn’t anyone that can debate with me more than I do with myself over this issue. How I need to acknowledge I’m only fooling myself to believe that I’m actually in control of anything. How I need to accept the fact that life has ups and downs and that no matter what they are just experiences in life----not forms of torture in the hopes of killing us. How I need to remember that the only way to live life, to feel love, and to forevermore be connected to God is through living with my heart open, but I seem to fall short of succeeding at this.

Realizing the difference between men and women, I wonder if there’s a man out there that will patiently deal with my crazy way of over analyzing everything to death before coming to a conclusion. Quite possibly to the same conclusion as he, with of course, his conclusion being a more direct beeline approach than mine. Moreover, if I’m completely honest with myself, am I willing to accept such a man with such strength to be in my life or will I consider that a form of controlling?

I realize I’m not the only person in this world that has felt, feels or will feel this way at some point in their life, I just happen to be on that path at this moment in mine.

I realize to have balance both spiritually as well as the human side to be able to blend my internal peaceful self with another human being requires me to take a risk. I’m not certain, but I think herein lies the frustration I’m dealing with. I desire to be married and have a family so dearly, but feel concern about balancing both my spiritual life with God as well as my human duties as a wife and mother successfully. Sometimes there’s a part of me that wishes I could just shut that desire off so I wouldn’t have to worry about failing again at another relationship, but the desire runs so deeply I’m not sure it could be shut off. More importantly, I’m not sure I want it to be shut off-----I just don’t want to fail again, is more the issue for me.

The funny part is there’s no one beating down the door that even requires such a decision to be made. So not sure why I’m even making such a deal out of it, but rather think it’s that part of myself that I tucked away that is wanting/needing to come out and live again, and that scares the hell out of me a little bit.

Signed the woman that needs to at least consider loosening up on control.

Three In One

UPDATE - ADDED PHOTOS AND VIDEOS

Sunday was going to be a fascinating day touching on the three major religions (Christianity, Islam, and Judaism) with an ever, slight assuming dash of Buddhism in a most unusual fashion.

Well yesterday was a fascinating day for us. It started out late morning with my parents picking Amira and I up to take us to a Jewish bazaar. A strange thought crossed my mind “going to a Jewish temple on a Sunday, which is generally considered a Sabbath day for Christians”, but what the heck I had never been and had always wondered about stepping through the temple doors. What better way to experience it than through a bazaar? It wouldn’t entail a service in Hebrew, which would somehow just sound like someone clearing their throat or some other inaudible sound to my untrained ears. So, I was thrilled at exploring this unchartered arena.

The whole premise behind us going to this bazaar was to watch my parents’ neighbor perform an ancient Japanese drum ritual. Funny, huh? Going to a Jewish temple to witness an ancient Japanese drum ritual. Does this mean we some how blended Buddhism with Judaism? Who knows?

My parents’ neighbors, Mark (Japanese) and Jenny (I believe Irish), converted to Judaism 20 years ago, hence one of the reasons we were going to the temple. Mark is also a competitor of this ancient Japanese drumming ritual, which his group was asked to perform at this bazaar. As an aside, they were absolutely fabulous.

There was also a petty zoo and pony ride area in the back of the temple, which consisted of a few ponies, a couple of sheep tied to a fence and a little caged area that had a duck, couple of chickens and a couple of rabbits that formed the “petty zoo”. Of course keeping with Jewish tradition (I know there will be those out there that blast me for this stereotype, but what the hell it’s my blog) charged us $3 for Amira to go around a perimeter the size of an individual parking spot—twice. We could have paid the full price of $5 to have someone using his or her personal camera to take her picture on the pony, but we passed as I had strategically positioned myself to snap her photo without being caught.
Oh I have so many other stereotypical comments running through my head, but feel that out of respect for my fellow human brethrens I will just keep them to myself.

Being that it was Sunday, one cannot help but recall that this great country of ours was founded on the principals of Christianity, so allowed my mind to co-mingle the thoughts of Christianity principles with that of the Jewish principles and smiled knowing that I was free to do so.

Amira and I returned around 2:00 in the afternoon and decided to take a nap. We had plans to be somewhere that evening at 6:30, so wanted to make sure we were both well rested for this upcoming event.

At 6:00 Amira had awakened from her nap and we quickly got ready to go. We were going for the first time ever to break our fast at one of our local mosques, and I was thrilled beyond words. I had never broke fast with anyone beside myself and now Amira, so was so excited I felt like a little kid.

A couple of weeks ago I was at Sharif’s (the local jeweler) and the owner Mamoud, always the gracious gentleman, extended an invitation to Amira and I to attend the mosque on Sunday to break fast with him, his family and the community. He and his family were hosting the evening meal. I told him I had driven by the mosque so many times, actually drove in the parking lot a couple of times, but just couldn’t bring myself to go in as I’m was so extremely shy. Again, in his ever, gentlemanly way, he lowered his voice to a soft tone, his big brown eyes even seemed to melt, and said “please come. Don’t be shy. I will introduce you to my wife. It will be myself, my family, and all the people that work here with me. You know them. You and Amira will not be alone. Please come.” How could anyone refuse such a gracious request?

So here we were, driving into the mosque parking lot with hundreds of people already there. Now mind you, I’m so self-conscious because I’m a blonde haired, blue-eyed American who could never be confused with anything else other than being an American. I am the poster child for the All-American looking girl. And of course I feel like every Muslim here is of some Arab background, although logically I know that is not true. How stereotypical, once again, to presume all Muslims are Arabs. We know that statistically that is not true, but right now it’s me in a sea of beautifully dark haired, big round dark-eyed, wonderfully olived colored skinned individuals (Amira included with them) and me---whitey. :-)

I’m thrilled because Mamoud, who I know as Sharif, fell out of the sky in front of Amira and I just as we enter the doors to greet us. Ok, ok, logically yes I stood out like a sore thumb with my deer in the headlights look and all the other stuff I described above, so I was easy for him to spot, but with that being said I didn’t have to venture too far in the doors, fearful, before he immediately was there to put my nerves at ease.

He settled us at a table with his family/friends and near where he would be. He always checked on us throughout the evening to ensure we were ok. We met the most wonderful people and immediately felt like we were with family, alhamdullilah.

They served us the most incredible lentil soup, which Amira devoured. One thing I can tell you about Amira is that she loves food with such a passion as opposed to an obsession. Food is a pleasurable exploration, but not an addictive drug that she needs to survive. Unlike perhaps many of us, self included, that has learned to have a love/hate relationship with food. I’ve learned so much from Amira in the short 4 years she’s been with me that it’s just unbelievable. Words cannot thoroughly express the gratitude I’ve given God for such a beautiful blessing.

After our soup, then we were to get in line and get our main meal. The adults at our table told me they had pizza for Amira if she wanted, to which I said “no, Amira prefers the other food over pizza”. They were delightfully shocked. Amira waited at our table while I gathered our meal. They had such an array of assorted foods that one couldn’t help but want everything. I settled for the rice, hummus, falafel, pita, salad and chicken. As soon as I returned to the table Amira dove right in and started savory the wonderful morsels. Literally this food just tickled our palettes and melted on our tongues. It was heavenly.

Dinner finished and the Imam, whom I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about, got up and spoke briefly and as expected delivered a very exquisite message. While he was speaking, men were carrying a tray from table to table handing out the most tantalizing dessert I had ever tasted in my life (I have no idea what it was beyond scrumptious). When the Imam finished speaking, I thought it would be time to go, but unbeknownst to me while I was listening to him speak, they (the unseen individuals) were placing yet another round of food on the tables behind us. It was when Amira tapped me on the arm, looking past me at the tables filled with food and signing to me that she was hungry, which I could hardly believe after seeing what she had already eaten, I turned around to find the tables filled with the most colorful display of fruit I had ever seen.

We got in line to fill yet another plate of morsels for her. She decided on watermelon and an orange slice. You could literally see the delight in her eyes as she slowly placed each piece in her mouth and let it roll around in there capturing all of the sweetness fruit has to offer.

Once finished, we graciously thanked our host, Sharif, for such a memorable evening, to which of course he has no idea how memorable of an evening it was for me.

Before falling asleep, I recapped the days events and could only thank God with teared filled eyes for such a wonderful day, for the blessings He bestowed upon us, for the health and wellness of my family and friends, and for the continual love He bestows upon Amira and I on a daily basis.

I just love the little boy - he's so serious.


Mark (Neighbor) behind woman in front.