Loneliness

Loneliness has gripped me. In a year and a half since I snuck out from the shadow darkness, I’ve been attempting to rebuild my life after the devastation of being abandoned with a six-week old baby girl four years ago. For the first two and half years after being abandoned, I merely went into survival mode, which in many ways felt so mechanical. I felt so disconnected from everything. I was also so angry because I wanted to spend every waking moment with my precious baby, but being forced into assuming survival tactics I was robbed; however, God was gracious and provided windows of opportunity when I could just embrace the moments of ‘now’ with her.

At times I hurt so badly I would fall on my knees and beg God through tears to take my pain away. What I didn't know then and am still trying to learn now, is that God is using this pain to bring me somewhere. Where? I’m assuming closer to Him……..perhaps closer to me. To see me the way that He sees me, loveable, kind, compassionate, tender, gentle, desirable and perhaps even strong.

During the last year and a half I’ve been to two weddings. The one was of a lovely bride who just beamed from ear to ear for the love she held so near to her, her soon to be bridegroom. She was literally luminous and nearly floating in her gait. Her glow was so infectious you couldn’t help but wish to be in her shoes.

The other bride was one who was and continues to be enslaved in the need for absolute control. She was the first bride I’ve ever seen in my entire life that wasn’t glowing or appearing to be a princess. There’s just something so magical about brides that even the most uptight person couldn’t help but be affected from their beaming demeanor. In contrast to the first beaming bride and the effects she had on the crowd, this second bride was just as infectious with her bound-up demeanor. Yes, she wore the Stepford wife smile, but there truly was more to a smile than what met the eye. She seemed to be under a false illusion of how life should be which I contributed to Satan’s charmingly charismatic words he regularly attempts to plant into our brains. We determine whether we wish to buy these ill-fated words as truth or not, and so often we do.

Interestingly enough, the first bride’s groom exuded the ever explicit traits of a narcissist, which can only prove to be fatal if a part of for too long. The second bride’s groom exuded the ever explicit traits of a God serving man, who truly seemed to understand what it was to be a man and how to treat a woman. I suppose factually it would stand to reason that opposites attract as well as the obvious reason would be for each to help the other work through their "stuff" to become better human beings. But is it possible for two people to come together joined as united forces to continue their journey as joint partners rather than for the purpose of each working through their ‘stuff’? Is it possible that the two can work together towards making improvements to better themselves and their environment as a joint effort rather than the both being dysfunctional and only needing the other to heal and complete the other?

Although I was thrilled to be a part of both of these women’s wedding and celebratory occasion I still felt the fear of being left behind. I wonder/wondered what was wrong with me; I wonder/wondered what I could do to make myself more desirable; I wonder/wondered if I would be lonely forever. Moreover I wonder/wondered if my daughter would ever know or have a father/daughter relation. Wonder/wondered if she’ll ever know what it’s like to have a father to love her, play with her, teach her, and most importantly guide her through life. Wonder/wondered if she’ll ever know what it’s like to see her mom in a loving relationship with a husband to learn the value of relationship and intimacy. Don’t get me wrong of course my daughter sees other people and their relationships, and she has male role models like her grandfather to teach her and protect her, but still feel terribly pained that she doesn’t have a father in her life.

I realize I do not want to marry a man like the first bride’s groom. I could no longer tolerate such a person in my life…………to leave me fruitless and even more alone than I am now. Nor do I want to be like the second bride who is bound by her lack of faith and intimate connection with God. However, the realization of knowing these things doesn’t eliminate the feeling of loneliness.

I realize this feeling of loneliness steams within side myself and can only be cleansed, purified and refined by continuing to walk through God’s process of healing for myself, but some days are truly harder than others. I know beyond words that I am not alone, for God would never leave nor forsake me, inshallah, but the feeling of loneliness still resonates regardless of how I try to rationalize my intellect.

This just happens to be one of those days.