Random Blathering

Thank you in advance for your tolerance of my random blatherings, which serves as a processing method for me.

Epiphanies seem to drift through rather quickly and if we are not careful there’s the possibility we will miss them. Although, as loving and merciful as Allah is there’s a good chance others will come again down the pike.

These days I’m finding myself extremely frustrated and wondering what in the world could be causing me such frustration. After all, my life has been so wonderfully blessed. I live a humbly simple life filled with wonderful moments and memories that include explorations, spiritual connections, supportive family and friends, and a true treasure, Amira, alhamdullilah. Who could possibly want more? Isn’t it the human condition to always want or desire more than what we have already? Isn’t it the humble devoted spirit/soul that is absolutely grateful beyond measure for everything in existence at this very moment in time? How does one balance the two? They seem drastically conflicting and constantly at odds with one another, but somehow find moments of co-existence. Probably when our humaness stands steadily still for a moment and is ever present in the moment.

It’s no secret to anyone what I’ve been through in the last 4 years or so, since Amira’s father left. I don’t bring the situation up as a form of pity or as a way of continuing to brew upon it, but rather as a reflective point of where I’ve been and where I’ve come and how I feel about the future.

Of course when he first left I was in utter shock and dismay, to the point of even denial because after all the pain and shame was too much. Once shock, dismay, and shame decided they had done their part they left in order to allow depression to fill their spot. What a trade off---3 for 1! Thinking that couldn’t be a bad trade off the three for just one, it turned out to be more than I bargained for because depression carries a very powerful punch. Aside from the endless flowing tears of pain, the endless tears of guilt, the endless tears of worthlessness, and if completely honest with myself the endless tears of loneliness I hadn’t considered that someone like me could be depressed. Of course, this would then re-invite denial back into the picture because after all I was freakin’ depressed in spite of my perfect self that thought depression was only for the meek and timid. I hated admitting I was depressed because I never wanted to consider myself meek or timid; moreover, I never wanted to consider myself anything other than strong and smart both of which are not prerequisites for avoiding depression.

Besides how could I be depressed with an infant? I had to be strong for her. I had to teach her how to be a strong independent woman. How could I do that when I wasn’t even sure I was capable of doing so for myself? Somehow though we managed the storm by the grace of Allah, alhamdullilah.

All my waking moments, which were many because sleeping was difficult to do with depression, shame, worry, worthlessness, and all the other members of this clan that were interfering with my sleeping pattern, I spent in constant prayer and devotion with Allah. I had nothing else. God was the only one that I never felt like I was interfering with, or interrupting at 1, 2 or even 4 in the morning, or the only one I felt I could count on to be there no matter what, or the one I never felt I was burdening with my woes. Because after all as humans how much repeated stories of sadness could we possibly listen to without feeling like we were going to lose our minds or kill our friends for not getting over it? I could cry my heart out, I could be mad, I could be upset, I could be anything without the fear of rejection or abandonment, alhamdulliah.

Over time this became the most precious time of my life. The peacefulness that filled my emptiness, my ugliness, my shamefulness, my worthlessness and even my fearfulness, alhamdullilah.

I’ve become so dependent on this inner peacefulness, which I know can only come through God and my willingness to open my heart to receive His mercy. I suppose like all things it became habit forming in the since that I desired and longed for my precious time with Him, which could be reached at any moment and any where throughout my day. How’s that for a lifeline connection?

So, with beautiful blissfulness that fills my soul, why do I still feel myself at times feeling frustrated? I think because I know my true nature, which is not to be a celibate being, not to be a nun, not to be a Yogic guru tucked away in a remote location, and not to be single for the rest of my life. There’s a part of me that yearns for the intimacy of a husband, for the comfort and strength of a man, for the partnering of two souls to journey together through this crazy ride called life. However, I believe I realized this morning (hence - epiphany) perhaps the reason for my frustration. As much as I desire a husband, I dreadfully fear losing myself again. Knowing myself, and knowing that when I allow myself to love someone I love them completely. I love them with flaws and all----to the point of losing myself in them, which I realize is not what love is suppose to be about because when you do that you deplete yourself so much to the point of not being able to receive it in return. There’s a part of myself that wonders if my behavior has been changed through this spiritual refinement I’ve been going through all these years or if that part of myself remained the same. There’s a part of me that doesn’t even want to take that risk to find out because if it hasn’t changed then I know the outcome from the past, and am not sure I could live through such difficulty once again. On the other hand, I’m not sure I can’t take the risk to find out if I’ve changed because then I could be missing out on another wonderful blessing from Allah. To have someone love me completely without losing themself in the process would be so incredibly wonderful. Is that possible? Is it possible to allow someone to love me without me trying to assume the whole role of loving?

I realize this is about control. I realize even in my blissful simple life that one of the reasons it is so is because I feel I have control over it. I know, I should be enrolled in some program where I stand before a group and say, “Hi my name is IbeeBarbie, and I’m a control freak”. But the honest truth is this is who I am. Believe me there isn’t anyone that can debate with me more than I do with myself over this issue. How I need to acknowledge I’m only fooling myself to believe that I’m actually in control of anything. How I need to accept the fact that life has ups and downs and that no matter what they are just experiences in life----not forms of torture in the hopes of killing us. How I need to remember that the only way to live life, to feel love, and to forevermore be connected to God is through living with my heart open, but I seem to fall short of succeeding at this.

Realizing the difference between men and women, I wonder if there’s a man out there that will patiently deal with my crazy way of over analyzing everything to death before coming to a conclusion. Quite possibly to the same conclusion as he, with of course, his conclusion being a more direct beeline approach than mine. Moreover, if I’m completely honest with myself, am I willing to accept such a man with such strength to be in my life or will I consider that a form of controlling?

I realize I’m not the only person in this world that has felt, feels or will feel this way at some point in their life, I just happen to be on that path at this moment in mine.

I realize to have balance both spiritually as well as the human side to be able to blend my internal peaceful self with another human being requires me to take a risk. I’m not certain, but I think herein lies the frustration I’m dealing with. I desire to be married and have a family so dearly, but feel concern about balancing both my spiritual life with God as well as my human duties as a wife and mother successfully. Sometimes there’s a part of me that wishes I could just shut that desire off so I wouldn’t have to worry about failing again at another relationship, but the desire runs so deeply I’m not sure it could be shut off. More importantly, I’m not sure I want it to be shut off-----I just don’t want to fail again, is more the issue for me.

The funny part is there’s no one beating down the door that even requires such a decision to be made. So not sure why I’m even making such a deal out of it, but rather think it’s that part of myself that I tucked away that is wanting/needing to come out and live again, and that scares the hell out of me a little bit.

Signed the woman that needs to at least consider loosening up on control.