Processing Random Raw Thoughts

Why do I remain so closed off? Or why do I remain so strong as to not ask for assistance? For some, asking for assistance does not seem to be such a struggle, so why do I?

Fear of being weak?

Fear of bothering someone with my troubles?

These two also keep me from being approachable.  Meaning: giving the impression to others that I don’t need anyone.

Fear is one’s pride or ego, not their heart or true essence.  One’s heart or true essence doesn’t reflect such thoughts, feelings or images to the world.

How does one open up?  How does one also attract someone with a willingness to have his or her heart open too? (Again, random raw thoughts--the answers are seemingly obvious.)

I could probably be a Mensa Member, yet I lack the fortitude to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to open up to attract a partner.  Letting go of any kind of fear has to be the most challenging thing on earth.

I understand the reason, logic and even psychology behind it and even counsel my clients on it, and yet it remains my biggest obstacle in life.

Fear limits all reason and logic.  Even knowing isn’t enough to do anything…..one’s choice to take action is what is required…….feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

There are so many of us that I hear say (self included), “I never want to hurt anyone” or “it would kill me if I hurt someone”, yet in the process we never realize or acknowledge we are sometimes sacrificing ourselves in the process which is ultimately hurting us.  Somehow in our justified reasoning we say, “I’d rather hurt myself than someone else” or “I’d rather take their pain for them so they don’t have to go through that”. Why? Why do we choose to do that?  It’s as if somehow we are being self-less.  Are we?  Is this really being self-less or are we just being self-sabotaging along the way for the sake of others?

In the end, isn’t it their pain they have to deal with or not? 

I don’t think the majority of us intentionally plan to hurt someone, but somehow we do because we don’t take ownership of our own hurts and pains.  We don’t learn to process them, and therefore end up projecting them onto others, thus creating a vicious cycle.

This is not about brow beating one’s self for not acknowledging the obvious; this is a gentle reminder of what one needs to be consciously be aware of in order to change the cycle----should one desire something different.

Latest Read

It's been awhile since I've posted any of the books I've been reading. Why? Merely because I've been too swamped to do much consistently.

Anyway, I'm about 3/4 of the way through this book "A New Earth" and have enjoyed every bit of it. It's certainly one of those books you don't read through in one night, as there's a great deal of content in it that requires one to really think.

To sum up this book in a real small nutshell it's regarding our egos, and how for the most part we live unconsciously aware of what and how our egos are causing us to respond to our daily lives. For until we bring our thoughts to a conscious level our egos remain in control. However, when brought to full conscious awareness of our thoughts, actions and reactions to any and all situations our responses a dramatically different.

Here's one little example of what was written in this book that I found interesting.

CARRYING THE PAST
The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heaving rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.

The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. "Why did you carry that girl across the road?" he asked. "We monks are not supposed to do things like that."

"I put the girl down hours ago," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"

Now imagine what life would be like for someone who lived like Ekido all the time, unable or unwilling to let go internally of situations, accumulating more and more "stuff" inside, and you get a sense of what life is like for the majority of people on our planet. What a heavy burden of past they carry around with them in their minds.

Again, this is merely an except for the book; however, it seemed rather applicable with regards to the recently much debated post by our dear fellow blogger, Khalid.

Very passionate comments have been filtering through this post which was initially done on April 13, 2008 and 6 days later continue to be going strong. I'm just as guilty because I continue to follow this particular post daily to see what's been commented on next. However, I wonder how much of the past memories or wounds or ways of thinking are going to continue dominating this post? Of course we all have past stories, memories, etc., however, how long do we continue to hold ourselves captive by these thoughts and memories? When do we free ourselves from them and recognize them as such, thoughts and memories? How do we ever more forward in our own existence and acknowledge that the only time we have is right NOW? We cannot change the past---and more importantly why would we want to? It is what it is--the past. Moreover, if remain stuck in the past how is it ever possible to think our future can be any different than our past when we've never released ourselves from the past imprisonment? Furthermore, is there really a future? None of us know that answer, so it would seem silly to tell ourselves things like, "when I obtain "this" then I'll be happy". Our happiness can only be created from this very moment of existence, so why rob ourselves of that splendid gift that God is trying to give us. Is it not true, the moment we feel most connected to God is in the present moment? We cannot go back to yesterday for that moment and we can't hope that tomorrow we'll feel close to God---it's only right NOW.

So, pondering, how long will we continue to debate, discuss, and perhaps offend our fellow humans for the sake of making our points which seems to be based on the past?
Perhaps by mere nurturing nature I feel like collecting everyone up, embracing us in silence and for us to just breath in unison, so we can be right here, right NOW. (I know ---- over the top, right?)

Latest Read

My latest read is called, A Portrait of Egypt by Mary Anne Weaver.

Synopses & Reviews
Publisher Comments:
For centuries Egypt has been a citadel of Islamic learning and thought, and since the signing of the Egyptian-Israeli Peace Treaty in 1979, it has been of immense strategic importance to American interests in the Middle East. But Egypt is also a country in crisis, torn between the old and the new, between unsettled religious revival and secular politics. President Hosni Mubarak favors a secular society. But Mubarak's government faces constant conflict with militant clerics such as Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman. In A Portrait of Egypt, Mary Anne Weaver argues that an Islamist victory in Egypt is almost inevitable, and, unlike that of Shi'ite Iran, its impact on the Islamic world will be truly profound.

Based on exclusive interviews with militants and front men, generals and presidents, A Portrait of Egypt is essential reading for anyone trying to understand the far-reaching consequences of the growing impact of Islamist politics and policies on the West.

Because the book is based mostly of a political nature with extreme viewpoints I’m having difficulty in reading it very quickly. I actually purchased this book 5 years ago, started it but couldn’t get into it, so put it away. After completely my last book and not having anything else to read I opted to give this one a try again. I’m more than half way through it and have mixed thoughts.

On the one hand it has recent historical information, which is rather fascinating, but on the other hand I’m perplexed by the actions or thought processes of either extremely intelligent or charismatic human beings. Certainly Islamist Militants, charismatic Sheikhs, religious leaders, corrupt government officials and other extreme leaders in any role of power have been around forever, but I’m curious to know what exactly causes these extremely bright people to become so narrow-minded in their beliefs that causes them to act so radical.

For throughout history we have so many examples of such intelligent people causing such heinous harm to their fellow human brethrens that to an average Joe as myself it is absolutely unimaginable. Yet, our history books or elders around us can recount the days gone by with all sorts of tails of extremism. We are currently living in times that are no different from that of our past with regards to extremism. Moreover, no matter what is accomplished in today’s world, extremism will be recorded in our future history archives as well. So, what is the root of such actions?

Again, if we look back not long ago at a collection of just random individuals such as Adolf Hilter, Joseph Stalin, David Koresh, Jim Jones, Saddam Hussein, and Heidi Fleiss – Hollywood Madam,
it would seem that “statistically” 4 out of the 6 of these people have had abusive childhood backgrounds. Is an abusive childhood enough to create such disturbing individuals? Moreover, is this enough to create such influential individuals to reek such havoc on the masses? Ok, so Heidi Fleiss never killed anyone, however, the fact remains she is on a very small scale a charismatic person that has a clever mind. Certainly Heidi wasn't the first madam, as prostitution is the oldest profession in the world, but the fact remains she was/is a very successful "business woman" and has had an effect on a number of people from all walks of life. I am also curious as to why it’s the male species that exudes these extreme qualities more so than women. Unfortunately, I am not able to think of any women that have done such atrocities to society, so if anyone cares to share such information I would greatly appreciate it.

Of course an obvious statement would be to say, “if only these individuals used their intellect, talents and skills for the betterment of the world rather than the destruction of human life, we’d be better off”. However, I have to wonder if each and every one of these few I mentioned thought exactly that statement? I wonder if in their minds somehow they thought they were making a positive impact or difference in the world to make it a better place to live?

Nonetheless I hope to finish this book, although it is of a dark nature so have a difficult time reading such things. On the other hand I have an admiration for the woman that interviewed so many influential people in order to write this book. She certainly an audacious woman in my book.

Random Blathering

Thank you in advance for your tolerance of my random blatherings, which serves as a processing method for me.

Epiphanies seem to drift through rather quickly and if we are not careful there’s the possibility we will miss them. Although, as loving and merciful as Allah is there’s a good chance others will come again down the pike.

These days I’m finding myself extremely frustrated and wondering what in the world could be causing me such frustration. After all, my life has been so wonderfully blessed. I live a humbly simple life filled with wonderful moments and memories that include explorations, spiritual connections, supportive family and friends, and a true treasure, Amira, alhamdullilah. Who could possibly want more? Isn’t it the human condition to always want or desire more than what we have already? Isn’t it the humble devoted spirit/soul that is absolutely grateful beyond measure for everything in existence at this very moment in time? How does one balance the two? They seem drastically conflicting and constantly at odds with one another, but somehow find moments of co-existence. Probably when our humaness stands steadily still for a moment and is ever present in the moment.

It’s no secret to anyone what I’ve been through in the last 4 years or so, since Amira’s father left. I don’t bring the situation up as a form of pity or as a way of continuing to brew upon it, but rather as a reflective point of where I’ve been and where I’ve come and how I feel about the future.

Of course when he first left I was in utter shock and dismay, to the point of even denial because after all the pain and shame was too much. Once shock, dismay, and shame decided they had done their part they left in order to allow depression to fill their spot. What a trade off---3 for 1! Thinking that couldn’t be a bad trade off the three for just one, it turned out to be more than I bargained for because depression carries a very powerful punch. Aside from the endless flowing tears of pain, the endless tears of guilt, the endless tears of worthlessness, and if completely honest with myself the endless tears of loneliness I hadn’t considered that someone like me could be depressed. Of course, this would then re-invite denial back into the picture because after all I was freakin’ depressed in spite of my perfect self that thought depression was only for the meek and timid. I hated admitting I was depressed because I never wanted to consider myself meek or timid; moreover, I never wanted to consider myself anything other than strong and smart both of which are not prerequisites for avoiding depression.

Besides how could I be depressed with an infant? I had to be strong for her. I had to teach her how to be a strong independent woman. How could I do that when I wasn’t even sure I was capable of doing so for myself? Somehow though we managed the storm by the grace of Allah, alhamdullilah.

All my waking moments, which were many because sleeping was difficult to do with depression, shame, worry, worthlessness, and all the other members of this clan that were interfering with my sleeping pattern, I spent in constant prayer and devotion with Allah. I had nothing else. God was the only one that I never felt like I was interfering with, or interrupting at 1, 2 or even 4 in the morning, or the only one I felt I could count on to be there no matter what, or the one I never felt I was burdening with my woes. Because after all as humans how much repeated stories of sadness could we possibly listen to without feeling like we were going to lose our minds or kill our friends for not getting over it? I could cry my heart out, I could be mad, I could be upset, I could be anything without the fear of rejection or abandonment, alhamdulliah.

Over time this became the most precious time of my life. The peacefulness that filled my emptiness, my ugliness, my shamefulness, my worthlessness and even my fearfulness, alhamdullilah.

I’ve become so dependent on this inner peacefulness, which I know can only come through God and my willingness to open my heart to receive His mercy. I suppose like all things it became habit forming in the since that I desired and longed for my precious time with Him, which could be reached at any moment and any where throughout my day. How’s that for a lifeline connection?

So, with beautiful blissfulness that fills my soul, why do I still feel myself at times feeling frustrated? I think because I know my true nature, which is not to be a celibate being, not to be a nun, not to be a Yogic guru tucked away in a remote location, and not to be single for the rest of my life. There’s a part of me that yearns for the intimacy of a husband, for the comfort and strength of a man, for the partnering of two souls to journey together through this crazy ride called life. However, I believe I realized this morning (hence - epiphany) perhaps the reason for my frustration. As much as I desire a husband, I dreadfully fear losing myself again. Knowing myself, and knowing that when I allow myself to love someone I love them completely. I love them with flaws and all----to the point of losing myself in them, which I realize is not what love is suppose to be about because when you do that you deplete yourself so much to the point of not being able to receive it in return. There’s a part of myself that wonders if my behavior has been changed through this spiritual refinement I’ve been going through all these years or if that part of myself remained the same. There’s a part of me that doesn’t even want to take that risk to find out because if it hasn’t changed then I know the outcome from the past, and am not sure I could live through such difficulty once again. On the other hand, I’m not sure I can’t take the risk to find out if I’ve changed because then I could be missing out on another wonderful blessing from Allah. To have someone love me completely without losing themself in the process would be so incredibly wonderful. Is that possible? Is it possible to allow someone to love me without me trying to assume the whole role of loving?

I realize this is about control. I realize even in my blissful simple life that one of the reasons it is so is because I feel I have control over it. I know, I should be enrolled in some program where I stand before a group and say, “Hi my name is IbeeBarbie, and I’m a control freak”. But the honest truth is this is who I am. Believe me there isn’t anyone that can debate with me more than I do with myself over this issue. How I need to acknowledge I’m only fooling myself to believe that I’m actually in control of anything. How I need to accept the fact that life has ups and downs and that no matter what they are just experiences in life----not forms of torture in the hopes of killing us. How I need to remember that the only way to live life, to feel love, and to forevermore be connected to God is through living with my heart open, but I seem to fall short of succeeding at this.

Realizing the difference between men and women, I wonder if there’s a man out there that will patiently deal with my crazy way of over analyzing everything to death before coming to a conclusion. Quite possibly to the same conclusion as he, with of course, his conclusion being a more direct beeline approach than mine. Moreover, if I’m completely honest with myself, am I willing to accept such a man with such strength to be in my life or will I consider that a form of controlling?

I realize I’m not the only person in this world that has felt, feels or will feel this way at some point in their life, I just happen to be on that path at this moment in mine.

I realize to have balance both spiritually as well as the human side to be able to blend my internal peaceful self with another human being requires me to take a risk. I’m not certain, but I think herein lies the frustration I’m dealing with. I desire to be married and have a family so dearly, but feel concern about balancing both my spiritual life with God as well as my human duties as a wife and mother successfully. Sometimes there’s a part of me that wishes I could just shut that desire off so I wouldn’t have to worry about failing again at another relationship, but the desire runs so deeply I’m not sure it could be shut off. More importantly, I’m not sure I want it to be shut off-----I just don’t want to fail again, is more the issue for me.

The funny part is there’s no one beating down the door that even requires such a decision to be made. So not sure why I’m even making such a deal out of it, but rather think it’s that part of myself that I tucked away that is wanting/needing to come out and live again, and that scares the hell out of me a little bit.

Signed the woman that needs to at least consider loosening up on control.

How do you quiet the mind?

I think one of the things about being a woman than can be frustrating at best is the inability to not complicate, not over analyze, or to just plain stop thinking for a brief period of time.
Perhaps that’s not a fair assessment. Perhaps that’s far too general of a statement. Moreover, perhaps it’s too stereotypical. Please, I ask for your forgiveness in advance if my pondering thoughts cause offense; it’s not my intention.

Of course the beauty of having girlfriends is being able to talk something to death; to analyze it to the tenth degree; and even relate or reflect back to the one having the "issue" with consoling words of wisdom, hugs, shared tears or alliances to seek and destroy depending on the topic. But is that enough? Is it enough to calm our inner nerves? Is it enough to assist us with letting things go? Is it enough to quiet our minds long enough for us to wait poised for Allah to reveal his plan or wisdom to us?

Truly, from past experiences I’ve learned that if I wait poised in calm silence the answers come quickly and clearly; however, knowing this doesn’t seem to make the current quandary any easier. Honstly I've used this method countless times through devout prayer, faithfulness and a willingness to wait patiently, which has ALWAYS worked, but for some reason I cannot settle my mind enough to just wait. I remind myself of the story about a hunter that hunts monkeys, and how he successfully captures them. They take a coconut, place a hole in it, and then place something inside the coconut for the monkey to grab. Of course, if you slip your hand in and out without grasping the object you’ll be fine, but as soon as you grasp the object inside the coconut you can no longer remove your hand from it. And because the monkey is so intend on retrieving the object that is inside the coconut they fail to hear, sense or see the hunter until it is too late----they are captured. The story is a great reminder not to be so focused on something that you fail to hear, see, sense things around you, which could be the very message Allah is trying to deliver, but for some reason this task is very difficult for me at times.

See what I mean? Blah, blah, blah, blah =)

So, tell me, how do you quiet your mind long enough to receive information? Moreover, if you care to share your success story/stories related to this issue I’d be honored to read them.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

I was so thrilled when I finally saw the recent release of Khaled Hosseini's latest book A Thousand Splendid Suns. There is something inexplicitly fascinating to me in his writings.

When I read his first novel, The Kite Runner, I found myself not wanting to do anything else but stay connected to Mr. Hosseini's depicting imagines of the characters' life experience in Afghanistan and the United States.

Truly I felt I was living the exact experience the writer was describing on every single page. At certain moments I found I needed to remind myself to breath, and other moments finding my cheeks and the pages of the book filled with teardrops.

Currently, more than half way through A Thousand Splendid Suns, I find myself having all those same stimulating feelings as I did in The Kite Runner. Perhaps even more so because some of the main characters are of the lives of women. Being able to relate to some of their life's experiences and still pained by the atrocities committed by humans towards humans.

Humanistic Reaction

Wow! What an action packed weekend we had, but before I go into sharing that with you I thought I’d find out how you react to certain people.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to download photos and share the eventful weekend with you, inshallah.

There was a group of 9 of us – all family members that gathered together everyday since last Wednesday evening as my cousins came in for a mini vacation. Just love these cousins and every moment we are able to spend together, alhamdullilah.

From the onset there’s a family member that passively demands to be in control through unspoken communication and through manipulative tactics. I know you all know or have one of these people either in your immediate family, distant family, close network of friends, or otherwise. The one that refuses to make a decision, but always seems extremely willing and game to do anything anyone wants to do. Yet, when a decisions is made and it doesn’t go off flawlessly that person is always there to give you the “I told you so” look or sigh or roll of the eyes or (fill in the blank). Thus resulting in tension amongst the group because we all feel this unspoken communication yet none of us address the individual. Maybe out of respect, out of fear of upsetting them, or maybe because we (speaking individually) think we are the only one’s that feel this tension and therefore keep silent. Regardless of the answer it is frustrating at best.

Moreover, I’m overly amazed at how much havoc this one person can wreak on the entire group without a mere utterance of a word. Not until this weekend did I ever see how much this person is in control of everything yet seeming from the outside as if the victim or at least seeming to be available for everything but getting mad or pouting if they don’t get their way. This was a real eye opener for me, truly. For although this person is an adult chronologically they exude such childlike qualities. Don’t get me wrong, I realize we all can have these tendencies of getting frustrated or upset because things aren’t going our way or we aren’t getting what we want, but I’m not certain the majority live in this daily state of consciousness. Then again, I could be sadly mistaken.

For years I have felt sorry for this individual and made justifications for them because I always perceived them as a victim of sorts; however, learned this past weekend that perhaps victimization was also a form of manipulation.

I sat watching this all unfold before me and said very little. Why? I’m not entirely sure why. I think the mere realization of the unfolding truth befuddled me. For sometimes the truth can be so profound and take some processing time, at least for me. Furthermore, it can be somewhat shocking when the blinders (so to speak) have been removed and you can see things clearly or at best in a different fashion then what you’ve become accustomed too.

I find myself somewhat feeling guiltily conflicted in my emotions because there’s a part of me that wants to confront this individual and yet fear either their wrath or more of the same behavior. Moreover, feel guilty for having these feelings towards a family member because perhaps it would be perceived as not a wise thing to do.

Curious to know how you handle family/friend conflict(s) with someone that exudes either the qualities of passiveness, manipulation, victimization, all the previously mentioned or other behaviors not mentioned.

Pondering

I find myself pondering something. Being relatively new to the blog world, and unfamiliar with all the ends and outs, the acceptable and not so acceptable manner of behavior, and overall philosophy of the entire operation.

There have been some things that I’ve observed that I find extremely fascinating. One, it’s amazing the amount of individuals that are out amongst the blog community. In fact, almost an overwhelming amount. Second, I’m amazed at the unity between bloggers, either through “real life” family or friendship relations, or merely from finding similar interest. Thirdly, the passions each have and are kind enough to share with others. Whether this is from personal experiences, culinary delights, spiritual viewpoints, sharing their sense of humor, etc. Moreover, I’m amazed at the amount of bloggers that take the time to write their own blogspots as well as find time to read/comment on others.

Yet, most riveting to me is how either influential or igniting one’s blogspot can have on another, to the point of either exciting or enraging something within the commenter. Moreover, I’m seeing the need to control or dictate on the behalf of the commenter to the blogger. Certainly, if the blogger is posting about something and inquiring on others opinions this is where I can see the above warranted. However, if someone is merely posting their thoughts, ideas, babblings, etc., do we have a right to control or dictate what they post?

Certainly some post are more thought provoking than others and stimulate different reactions. Therefore, shouldn’t we look within to see what is generating the immediate reaction (either positive or negation) we feel? For the immediate positive or negative reaction that arises is merely from our own experiences that we are either consciously or subconsciously aware of, and ultimately stir something within us. Just curious what the outcome would be if we addressed those feelings within side ourselves before immediately posting a pointed (finger pointing) comment on someone’s blogspot. It would appear as humans we are so quick to tell others how to live, act, respond, etc., yet do we hold ourselves to the same standard?

I am interested to know your thoughts.

Shame of a Gender

Last night my girlfriend and I decided we wanted to go out, listen to music and watch people as we were unescorted by children. :o)

However, since neither one of us goes out at night aside from the ventures to the mall so the kids (Amira and my friend’s niece and nephew) can play in the play area, Starbucks, or any other place that allows children, we were uncertain as to where to go. Recalling there was a little place inside a hotel not far from my house we decided to meander over there.

Securing a relatively good spot with a bird’s eye view of the patrons, the dance floor, the beautifully lit pool outside behind us, and yet still remaining obscurely tucked away, we immediately found ourselves looking at one another with our eyes wide open. We mutually agreed the music was nice, the atmosphere was comfortable and the diversity of customers were amazing, conjuring the assumption we were probably in for a good night of entertainment.

However, quickly I found myself filled with a plethora of feelings. To name a few they ranged from interest, disgust, and sadness. The crowd that filled the room was of all ages, cultures, and spiritual backgrounds, which was what mostly peaked my interest. Fascinated to know why each and ever person was there that specific evening, for I knew why I was there. Gathering from our observation deck it appeared some were frequent flyers, others were there celebrating accomplishments (graduating class of nurses), some were hotel guests merely passing the evening away, and others seemed to be their as exhibitionist hoping to capture attention. (I’m always intrigued when seeing such diversities celebrating their interest separately yet still remaining a part of the whole.)

Earnestly there was a part of sadness that fell over me seeing the ones that appeared to be frequent flyers of the establishment (i.e., those that probably come here every weekend or maybe even every night of the week). Curious to know how one’s life could be so empty and void that they have no other interest than to land ‘here’ regularly. That felt lonely and sad. Of course, these are big assumptions on my part, as that’s how I would feel.

Capturing on the part of the evening that brought the writing of this post and ultimately the title of it, I found myself feeling incredulously astounded by the behavior of my own gender. Why is it that they seem to have absolutely no shame?

It would have been one thing if it were only a few of a small group that were there having fun, but it wasn’t. There were a number of women from all the groups I previously mentioned that were displaying themselves in a most untasteful manner.

I have no problem with people having fun and being silly, but irrefutably within reason. I suppose that bound of reason is up to the individual; however, the masses seemed to all be justified in their tawdry behavior. The thought that ran through my head was “do you still wonder why you are single?” Certainly, neither this evening nor this establishment was a place to meet my future husband—far from that; however, it did seem to clear some things up for me.

Again, only my observation, but it would seem people are lonely, starved for attention, and yet so closed off emotionally (their hearts are boarded up like Fort Knox) that they act out in strange manners. Moreover, the mannerism of the majority of the women in this establishment left me feeling ashamed. For how can someone think so little of them self or have so little integrity to not be concerned? Even though I consider myself pretty open-minded, I just can’t stand vulgar exhibitionism. Always reminds me of a saying my mom would use “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”.

Definitely not a prude or uptight as I’ve done some silly things in my day, and not wanting to seem as if I’m perched on a thrown passing judgment, but merely attempting to process what I witnessed and the effects thereof.

In spite of this, without seeming so dismal and gray, my girlfriend and I did enjoy one another’s company and spent countless hours laughing and talking.