Annual Holiday Letter

Greetings Family and Friends,

As Amira and I clinked our fluted glasses filled with sparkling apple cider at mid-night on January 1, 2012 we vowed to make the New Year a year of being fancy and adventurous. Little did we know we’d be taking Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride to a whole new level!

Beginning New Year’s Day we took a spontaneous road-trip to Santa Rosa, Ca, to the home of Snoopy’s Ice Rink. We spent a glorious day there along with exploring the Charles Schultz museum.  It was a perfect way to start 2012.

At the end of March, beginning of April we arranged a surprise birthday/family reunion trip to San Diego for my dad. We rented a beautiful home just a few short blocks from the water.  The Brown Clan and the Leboda Clan (Arizona family) had a grand week in southern California.  Memories that will last a lifetime!  Two days before leaving I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my ankle in two places. This however did not stop us from enjoying the last days of San Diego. However, it did take me out of work for more than 6 weeks.

During my hiatus, Clint and I discovered we had an older sister named Terri and met her at the end of May.  In some ways it’s still very surreal yet very natural at the same time.  We’ve certainly enjoyed getting to know one another and spending time together.  Turns out she lives in Arizona. What a small world!  We’ve since introduced her to the Leboda Clan, which has been a great experience as well.

After watching the summer Olympics Amira decided she wanted to try gymnastics. So for the last few months she’s been taking classes once a week. After her second month of classes her teacher approached me about Amira taking a spot on their competitive team of which she is now training for.

In addition to doing gymnastics once a week she opted to play on the school’s volleyball team this year and did really well.  So excited to share these wonderful experiences with her.

For Thanksgiving we spent the extended weekend in Arizona with the entire clan and had an absolute blast.

As of the writing of this Annual Christmas letter (12/16/12), our family has learned that my sister-in-law, Claudia, has Stage 3 cervical cancer.  She and Clint have agreed to take the doctor’s recommendation for treatment, which will be 6 weeks of combined chemotherapy and radiation.  Her first radiation treatment will be December 24, 2012, with a more than likely overnight stay to track her progress. Claudia has said that she appreciates all the outpour of love, prayers and positive support she’s been receiving.  She is choosing to keep herself surrounded with positive people, as she knows this will benefit her more than anything.  We’re in the process of putting something together to keep everyone informed via a web-page. Once this has been done we will gladly pass the word along. (Update 12/25/12: Claudia received her first chemo treatment Sunday, 12/23/12 and her first radiation treatment Monday, 12/24/12. She is doing well and is looking forward to spending the holidays with her family.)

         As you look back over the year, I hope you look with fondness and gratitude. As you look forward, I hope you look with amazement and wonder.  I wish you peace, good health, and lots of love.

Feel the fear and face it anyway

(Disclaimer - as with most of my post they are written from a raw standpoint with little or no editing)

Imagine strolling along life thinking everything in your world is real and known to you. Then imagine a world where you have this unknowing knowledge that your life isn’t completely as real as you’ve imagined it to be.



There were various times throughout my entire life when I had this sense that something was amiss. Imagine as a kid feeling like you were adopted or at best unwanted by your mom. I can remember specifically asking my mom at different ages in my life if I was adopted to which she would admittedly say, “why would you ask that? Of course you’re not adopted”. Although I heard these words there was always something deeper inside me that didn’t entirely believe this. Maybe it was because my mom and I throughout my life had a tumultuous relationship. Some would describe it as a ‘normal’ mother/daughter relationship and maybe that’s true. I loved my mom dearly and wanted nothing more than to please her and make her proud.

I believe we were great friends and could talk about many things, but I would not describe our relationship as one with overly motherly love and physical affection. Really, it wasn’t until nearly the end of my mom’s life that I learned from her own words that she loved me and was so proud of me. She admired my strength and didn’t know how I managed to get through what I’d gotten through. Waiting what seemed like a lifetime to hear such words was bittersweet. In one since I had already formed an opinion of myself based on what I had been told, and to hear those words didn’t seem real to me at the time. On the other hand, I chastised myself for having such ‘negative’ thoughts because after all wasn’t this what I wanted---my mom’s love and approval? I did. I so desperately needed it, and yet my self-sabotaging self, that part of myself that wouldn’t allow me to receive this information, would say, “but why couldn’t she tell me long ago when I needed it?” But the facts remain, I needed it even the moment she told me and yet somehow my wounded self in some ways felt like it was a little too late. Was it? I don’t think so. How many people have wanted to receive such love and confirmation from someone who meant the world to them, only to have them leave this planet and never hear them when they were living. I was blessed.


Why the walk down memory lane? I’m being faced with something that I never thought I’d have to face and a part of me feels a bit miffed that I have to deal with something that was someone else’s decision from soooooo long ago.


Upon returning from a great vacation/dad’s birthday celebration/family reunion with a broken leg, I receive a letter from my aunt (mom’s sister) with an additional letter attached to it. Upon reading my aunt’s letter, I was a bit confused because she was referring to someone I didn’t know.


My dad and I were sitting at my kitchen table when I read the enclosed letter my aunt had sent. The second letter was a letter from my half sister. Yep, you read that correctly, my half sister.

When my mom was 18 or 19 years old, she was engaged, and became pregnant. When she advised her betrothed, he did like so many men, he fled the scene. Without going into so many details, she decided she wanted to give this child a chance at life, so she found an educated family who desired to adopt her child. I’m sure this had to be one of or if not the hardest decision she ever made in her life.

It was agreed upon by all the parties involved to never discuss this situation. However, I can’t help but believe on some levels my mom either questioned her decision or at least mourned the situation as there were certain times during the year where she’d become really melancholy, and when we’d ask her what was wrong she'd tell us, ‘nothing’.

Yesterday was the day. Yesterday was the day Clint and I would walk through a door that would possibly change our world forever. Yesterday was the day Clint and I would make a decision that would ultimately change the lives of our children as well. Our dad was fully behind our decision to face this long family secret. All three of us (Dad, Clint and I) agreed that our half sister, Teri, should know the truth as we knew it, for we all could not imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes looking for her family for almost 30 years. According to the letter I read, she had established a relationship with our Grandma some years back, but was only given snippets of information about us out of respect for my mom.

According to this letter, Teri even knew mom had died a couple of years ago. Although, at this point Clint and I didn’t know how she knew that, we agreed I would initiate contact with her after receiving the letter from our aunt. I can only imagine what she must have felt upon first initial contact, as we were a little nervous and curious as well.


The exchange of emails and information seemed to flow easily between Teri, Clint and I, and then one fateful email came from Teri suggesting she fly to Sacramento to meet us. My first line of defense is to ALWAYS retreat because I wasn’t sure I was ready. Ready for what I’m not sure; I have no doubt all my insecurities and fears were taking over. I even addressed my fears, which I felt so proud for actually verbalizing my fears rather than just ignoring them and feeling like crap inside. Teri shared she was also very scared but excited at the possibility.


Yesterday, Teri was scheduled to fly into Sacramento and informed us where she’d be staying. She invited both Clint and I along with our families, should we choose, to meet her for dinner.


Clint and I agreed we’d go together along with our families. I asked my dad if he wanted to go, and he said that he didn’t……then paused for a second and looked me in the eyes and said, “do you need me to go with you?” I so love this man and his innate sensitivity. I told him I didn’t need him to go, but that I didn’t want him to feel excluded.


Yesterday seemed like a long day filled with too many overflowing emotions and past memories running through the forefront on my mind like the fountain in my backyard……continually running.


Was I afraid to meet Teri? No. Was I afraid we wouldn’t get along? No. Then, what was I afraid of? I was afraid she’d be disappointed in me. I had found out from my own prior research, she was a successful businesswoman, lived in an affluent part of Scottsdale in an enormous size home. Doing what so many of us humans do, I compared it to my own life.


Sitting in my backyard yesterday, where I find so much solitude and peace, I began journaling my thoughts to process the feelings that were causing pain and fear, and as I did, the tears just seemed to flow. At one point, I found Amira next to me hugging me asking me if everything was ok. I immediately collected myself, as parents always feel they have to put on a brave front for their children……silly really, and looked into her angelic face. I told her I was ok, but that I was just processing some feelings. She said, “is it because of meeting your sister?” I told her it was, and then we spent the next thirty minutes or so exchanging our thoughts and feelings about many things. We talked about her nervousness of having to give oral book reports at school and what that feels like for her. I shared that sometimes I don’t feel very good about myself because my mom use to tell me I was fat and ugly, to which she said, “That’s not very nice”. I told her she was right. I then went on to explain to her that the reason I tell her, maybe more than she’d like to hear, how much I love her, how proud I am of her, and how much I think she is beautiful and amazing is because I didn’t hear these words much, and certainly not all of them, when I was growing up. At the end of our conversation, she hugged me and told me, “don’t worry I’ll be there with you today”, which spilled more tears but in a good way.


We both spent extra time primping and pampering ourselves to get ready for our meeting with Teri as the email had came she was in town.


We drove to our designated location and met Clint, Claudia and Anthony. On the way, as I had been most of the day, I prayed for God’s presence to be with all of us on this journey, as well as mom's presence. So began the final steps of life, as we knew it. We reached the door, and all insisted Clint go first. He knocked and backed up towards us. The door opened, and a beautiful tall blonde with a welcoming smile greeted us…………it was like looking in a mirror with the exception of her slender stature. We each took turns walking forward and embracing her. None of us cried, as we each shared later we thought we would. For the next 5 hours we spent sharing stories and laughing. It seemed to flow effortlessly. She kept staring at me and saying, “oh my God, it’s like looking in a mirror seeing you”. She joked that over her lifetime people would ask her, “do you have a sister, to which she would say I sure do and she looks just like me, I just don’t know where she is”. She told us she had a 10-year relationship with our grandma. She described grandma’s house in exact detail. She said the very first time grandma showed her Clint and I’s picture she couldn’t take her eyes off them. She couldn’t believe she was looking at someone that looked like her. She described exchanging phone calls, letters, holiday cards and such with grandma over all these years. Clint and I were shocked because our grandma never had that type of relationship with us. Grandma had that type of relationship with my aunt and her family, but not us.


The evening ended, as we had to get our kids home and ready for school the next day. We all hugged and agreed to meet again today. She hugged me one last time and whispered in my ear, “You make me feel like I can breath”.

I received an email from her this morning saying, “Thank you for yesterday. I love you already.”

Prayer request

Recently (about a week ago and a half ago) my dad shared with me that he went in for his annual physical and during said visit he shared with his doctor a slight burning he's felt in his chest when he either rides his bike up hills or walks up hills, but once he's been doing it for a period of time the burning subsides. Moroever, he shared that when he does his rigious indoor physical activity this burning sensation never occurs.

His doctor was concerned about hearing this information and scheduled a treadmill exam, which he has completed. He was then referred to see a Cardiologist which he saw yesterday. The Cardiologist was impressed with my dad's treadmill results----indicated he was in really good shape but there was something going on and they needed to do further test to narrow their results. They have scheduled him for a Coronary Angiogram Procedure tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

I realize these procedures have come a long way even since my mom had one a number of years ago, but the old memories of those days immediately came flooding back when my dad shared he had to have one. I don't want to dwell on these feelings of fear as I want to stay focused with a positive attitude to support my dad, which is why I'm imploring your prayers.

I will keep you posted.

Reading Corner

In the mist of the madness of the days events I'm always looking for a way to quiet the mind and still the spirit, and one of the ways I do so is in reading. Setting aside the study and research matter for a bit in order to quiet and still myself, I picked up a book my brother got me recently called A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier by Ishamel Beah.

The first sentence alone in the book grabbed me and pulled me in immediately.

"There were all kinds of stories told about the war that made it sound as if it was happening in a faraway and different land..." Also the last sentence of the first page continued to pull at me to continue. " "The only wars I knew of were thoe that I had read about in books or seen in movies such as Rambo: First Blood, and the one in neighboring Liberia that I had heard about on the BBC news."

Probably the most surprising and unfathomable part was that this story line takes place in the mid 90’s. Yes, of course, I realize there’s unthinkable things happening all over the world to millions of humans, but for some reason this particular reminder just pulled at me.

This is an extraordinary memoir by a young man who has lived and seen the worst of humanity and managed to survive and become a better man for all the tragedy, violence, horror and degradation he was forced to witness as a 12-year old boy. I can see this as required reading in high schools across the country. It is not only that good, it is that important. The writing is honest, straightforward, painfully introspective but never self-pitying. Truly an amazing story, and a history lesson we all need be reminded of now and again.

Another observation that I noted was the boy came from a Muslim background, yet “Religion” was not a topic on the table, which I found refreshing. For often times, the topic of “religion” can sidetrack some from the whole picture at hand. However, admittedly, I’m curious to know his spiritual reflection during and after such a hellish time in one’s life.

Simply put-excellent!

Christmas 2009

What can one say about Christmas 2009-----aside for being grateful it's now over. Cynical, huh? In all honesty, the day was nice but was definitely different. Unlike last year, being the first year without my mom, which seemed rather surreal and numbing to say the least, it seemed emptier. We (dad, brother, and I) muttered through the holidays as if they were just another day----days we wanted to pass as quickly as possible for we didn't want to be reminded that she wasn't with us. Certainly with the passing of time the onslaught of uncontrollable tears has subsided slightly but the loss still remains the same.

On Christmas Eve the entire family went to a church service then over to my dad's for a lovely dinner. He's quite the gourmet. :-) The evening and time spent together was very nice.

Christmas day my dad came over to our house to watch Amira open her presents, have breakfast, as well as taking a nice long walk around the neighborhood. Then later we went to my brother's for dinner.

So, what made this holiday season seem any different?

Normally, the first person awake on Christmas day would call out "Christmas gift" which would then cause everyone else to wake up and gather around the tree. The caller of “Christmas gift” was also entitled to open the first gift. Even over the years when my brother and I had our own homes it would be a race to see who called whom first on the phone and shout "Christmas gift". Also, Christmas was always spent at my parents’ house. My mom loved the holiday so much that her excitement became infectious to all of us. She'd decorate her house with such care and enthusiasm. She’d also bake endless mounds of cookies and fudge to hand out to everyone she knew as well as have available for anyone that happened to stop by.

My dad and I are somewhat perceived as the bah-hum-bugs in the family because we don't get all into the hype of Christmas. However, this does not mean we do not have an appreciation for such excitement. Me and his idea of Christmas is getting together as a family, having a nice day and spending time together without all the commercialism. But, if left to our way of thinking it would feel rather lacking in festivity. Thank goodness my brother and his wife continue the celebratory fashion.

Anyway, unlike last year---feeling numb and surreal----this year felt different. It was as if a light bulb went off in my head and the realization of "nothing will ever feel the same as before" forged through my head.

It was certainly fun to see Amira's jubilation and feel her energetic gusto towards seeing everything and opening everything, but it just didn't feel the same.

I realize I'm still in the throws of processing these emotions. I realize I have the power to make the celebration happen anyway I wish, but for the moment I'm just mourning the loss of what "always had been". I miss my mom so much, and don't talk about it much because I don't wish to put that on Amira, and since she's with me nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week I don't get an opportunity to express these feelings much. I would be fooling myself as well if I thought the loss didn't haunt her at times as well, for as we were going to bed Christmas night she said to me in a saddened low tone, "when can we see Grandma---I miss her". I asked her if that's where she wanted to go in her dreams was to see Grandma, she said that she'd like for both us too. Thank goodness the lights were out because I didn't want her to see my tears.

Thanks for allowing me to process in writing what I can’t at times verbalize.

Think before you speak

Had an interesting interesting conversation/topic come up recently. One that most would like to perhaps avoid or a best critize severely without really thinking about the situation before responding. Teen pregnancy!

What would you do if you found out that a teen age family member was 8 1/2 months pregnant and until that very moment you had absolutely no idea? I'm not talking about a family member that you don't see on a regular basis. No, I'm talking about a family member that lives under your own roof or a family member that you see very regularly.

There are no outward appearances of any physical change, no mood changes, no eating changes, no sleeping changes, or no changes with academic achievements. And suddenly one family member is the "lucky" family member to learn of this impending birth with very little time to react let alone perhaps make a rational decision on what to do as they are still in shock from the sudden announcement.

If you were presented with such a situation.....for the sake of conversation just hypothetically imagine.......how would you respond? What would be the option(s) (i.e., get the teen to the doctors, tell other family members, keep the child, adopt the child out, etc.)? Keeping in mind that eventhough you are perhaps realing from the sudden shock of the news, there's a teen that has been feeling terrified the entire pregnancy by keeping her silence.

Christmas 2008

Christmas was different this year; it felt so surreal. Nonetheless, it was nice to be with family.

This and That

Wow, I had not realized how long it had been since last posting. More importantly I wonder what on earth I could have been doing to distract me. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm~

Anyway, one of my cousins came out last week to spend time with us and we had a wonderful time. One day we spent in San Francisco and the remainder of the time was pretty much just spent together enjoying one another's company. He was a great support to all of us and very understanding of our moment-to-moment breakdowns we'd occasional experience.

My father is doing remarkably well and trying to keep his life structured and busy with things to do, but he's not denying himself those moments when tears come.

I believe I am finally allowing myself to feel the affects of my mom not being here. I finally felt it was safe to do so since my family seems to be doing well. Last Wednesday I was hoping to have a moment to myself to allow my tears to flow without Amira around, but unfortunately this was not the case. My father had been watching her throughout the day while I was at work and called me and asked me to get her when I finished work, as he had to do something. I had been hoping during the moment I got off work and the time I got to his house I could have had a moment to myself to let go, but it did not work this way. I went to get Amira and took her with me to the only place I could think to go and let down. I went to the cemetery. All the way there I just prayed for God to help me get through this moment and to help me with Amira as I didn't know what to do or say, I just knew I needed to be there. When we got to the cemetery Amira and I got out of the car and sat on a little curb close to where my mom rests. I never told Amira where she was or anything like that as I didn't want to disturb her thoughts. As we sat on the curb in silence I tilted my head down and just let the tears begin to fall freely. When the stream of tears began to slow I heard Amira ask me "where are we?” Then I heard the words come from my mouth but had no idea where they came from, "we are at a peaceful place that allows you to think and feel peaceful". She looked around at the beautiful garden scenery with all the trees, flowers, and grass and agreed it was nice.

During this moment of being here and speaking out I felt something very unnerving. I felt to a degree the veil of my existence had been lifted if just for a moment. For at the very moment the tears were uncontrollably releasing I heard myself say to my mom, "wow mom, now you see me for who I really am..........I can no longer hide myself from you. For although all these years I've put a mask of bravery and strength on in front of your physical form, I am no longer able to do that in front of your spiritual form". Although feeling somewhat ashamed of this sudden knowledge, there was also a sense of freedom associated with it. I no longer felt I had to hide who I really was to her. Hopefully she's the one person that will now understand me completely. The one that will realize I'm not always strong and the one that will know I don't always want to be alone dealing with my feelings. Of course I know God is the ultimate one that knows all of these things, however, there is something oddly comforting in knowing this about someone you've loved who has moved on......probably because we've actually seen them before, thouched them, smelt them.......all the senses that tells us they are real. Whatever "real" is......ok, ok enough philosophy.

We were only there in all actuality a very short time, so once loaded back into the car and driving off to my dad's, Amira announces she found a couple of really nice little rocks at the "peaceful place" and decided to take them to Grandpa's to show him.

Towards the end of the week, I discovered my brother who had been clean and sober for the last three years started using drugs again. This was so disheartening. I wanted to believe so badly that it was not true as he had done such a great turn around with his life, and his family was healing so beautifully, but the facts could not be ignored.

The feelings of resentment towards him arouse once again, along with the feelings of sorrow towards his family all re-awakened, and the feelings of protection towards my father once again in high alert. The feelings that still run through my veins over this is very disturbing and I know I must gain control over them, but I feel most distraught over the fact that we must now confront this head on rather than wait. I suppose there's a part of me that's angry over the fact that I just started to feel the numbness of my mom's loss melting away, thus allowing me to deal with them and now they have to once again be stuffed aside because of my brother. The only thing to do at this point is take it to prayer, which seems to always reveal the right way to deal with any situation, and have a meeting with my brother and his wife next week.

That poor family has been through so much that I truly hate to see them go backwards. I think going backwards is a comfortable way of dealing with a difficult situation because it's what's familiar and they know if works as a masks since they don't know what else to do. However, I hope they are open to suggestions of other solutions that will help them through these difficult times without negative side affects. As truly I would hate to see my brother lose his family, home or career as a result of going back to an old habit that nearly costs him all those things not long ago.

Paying Tribute

Yesterday was my mom's funeral. It was a picture perfect day. The weather was wonderful, the church we used for her service was nestled amongst beautiful oak trees, and the celebration of her life afterwards at our home was memorable.

Although feeling extremely numb and almost emotionless, it seems to have been beneficial as my dad asked me to speak on behalf of the family during my mom's funeral service. He did not want someone who didn't know her speaking about the woman she was to us.

One just never knows what's going to happen in a day that is going to cause them to stretch beyond their already seemingly stretched limits, and certainly yesterday was no exception.

Truly I know that when writing this tribute to her as well as sharing amongst a full congregation of people it was God's work because in hindsight when I go over it I don't know how it was accomplished without completely crumbling into a puddle of tears. Honestly, we serve a loving and merciful God who is guiding and carrying us through every aspect of life.

Please allow us to share with you a glimpse of my mom’s life.

She was born Linda Kathleen Seran, weighing 4 pounds, 2 ounces in Canton, Ohio. Her family migrated to southern California where they established their home in Reseda. She came from a small family and is survived by her mother, Oneita Lauretta Helzer, and her sister, Karen Lee Wilkinson.

She used to tell us she was her father’s son. She loved working on cars with her dad as well as going camping and fishing. She shared many memories of her youth with us; her special relationship with her sister as well as the closeness of her family.

She had a great affection for all animals, but really enjoyed dogs and horses.

When she was 20 years old, our dear friends, Bob and Judy, introduced she and my dad to one another, and there was an immediate connection between the two of them. They got married in a little chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada, which began her and my dad’s 45-year journey. They had two children, my brother, Clint, and me. She devoted her entire life to us as well as to my dad.

She raised and showed Alaskan Malamute dogs as well as American Quarter horses. She also enjoyed bowling and played on a league for quite a few years. As kids, Clint and I can remember countless times watching her and her friends bowl and then going back to one of her girlfriend’s home to play Yahtze for hours. All the while hearing her laugh and tell stories.

She was very social and opened her home to anyone and everyone. She was a stranger to no one and loved by all.

She was the type of person that was game to do anything. She seemed to fear nothing and was always open to any challenge. She especially liked the camping trips, the jeeping trips, the picnics in the park, the days we’d take a drive just for the sake of taking a drive, visiting the ocean as well as entertaining in her home. She also had a great affection for photography.

In 1976 we moved from southern California to northern California to a small town called Penryn where we as a family constructed our home and began establishing our roots.

She served as a FH leader, soccer team mom, baseball team mom, softball team manager, PTA room mother, as well as sideline cheerleader for all of our other events. In addition to serving these positions she also served as my dad’s supportive partner. His rock!

She worked at Target for 15 years and loved her job. She was a people person and would come home sharing countless tales of the people she had met throughout the day. She would light up when she spoke of the fun she had at work and the people she met, along with seeing people she knew.

Her home was open to everyone, and she was a “mom” to many aside from my brother and I. She always felt better when Clint and I and our friends were at her home rather than anywhere else. Over the years there were a number of people that lived with us and she treated them as if they were family. I think one of the ways she was able to keep her house so full was luring them with her chocolate chip cookies and her infamous chocolate chip cake.

She and dad did some traveling, and by far her favorite destinations were Alaska and Hawaii. One of the ways you could always tell if she really enjoyed going somewhere or seeing something was by the amount of pictures she took.

She was an extremely strong woman and never ever let any of her health issues keep her from living her life. She loved her life and told us often how lucky she was to have the life she had.

She had great stories and loved to share them. She loved to laugh and would get tickled to see others laugh as well.

She loved her grandkids, Anthony and Amira, dearly and her husband and children even more. She was our biggest fan.

She is the foundation to our family. She is what binds us. She never liked to have attention drawn to herself, and always assumed the “behind the scene role” allowing the rest of us to shine, BUT in reality it is because of HER that each and every one of you are here today to celebrate her life. Although she would be very humbled by this attention, she would be so grateful and thankful.

Although we mourn the loss of an incredibly dynamic woman, she would want us to live our lives as if it were our last, to love as if we’d never loved before, to laugh often, to expect nothing but be grateful for everything, and to remember to surround ourselves with our family and friends --- for she knew they were the most important part of living.

To my mom I say, "I love you so very much. May God bless you and may He give us strength to continue on without you physically being here with us.

To all of you I say, "Although her journey ends here, her memory will live on in each and everyone of you forever. Thank you for being a part of her journey, and thank you for being her today."

The Fountains

Last night my girlfriends and I took the kids to a new outdoor mall called The Fountains which is still in the process of opening. We wanted to see what all the buzz was about this place because apparently everyone that's been there seems to go on and on about this place.

So we took off to get Big Spoon Yogurt which is a self-serve frozen yogurt place that has every topping imaginable you can put on your frozen yogurt. Your yogurt is weighed and charged by the ounce. I think the excitement over this place is that fact that people get to serve themselves. For some reason humans just like to feel like they are somehow always in control......lol Anyway, it's a pretty tasty treat nonetheless.

After having our treat we made a way around the corner, we found a fire pit with nice comfy chairs around the perimeter of the pit.

Strolling along the sidewalk looking at all the stores that have opened we made our way to the center fountain. Now this fountain was impressive to all of us. We must have sat and watched it for an hour or so. It's interactive with music so the water show coming up from the center of the fountain is keeping beat with whatever music is playing. Although disappointingly it didn't play very many songs, BUT even when it wasn't playing music the fountain was still performing. It was lit up with all different colors and every so often mist would emerge and then float over the crowd of on-lookers. Amira and her friend, Michael, were having so much fun waving their hands up in the air trying to touch the water that I couldn't help but at one point to jump up and join them. :-)

Love spontaneous moments such as that one.

P.S. I will leave you with this video clip that someone recorded of the show.

Amira's Birthday

Amira had great fun at her little birthday party. As always it was fun to have all the family and friends around. Unfortunately, though, Uncle Clint couldn't attend as he's on lock-down at the fire station due to the unusual amounts of fires underway in California. Pretty much for the last month we've lived under a fog-like-state of smoke and with it heating up to 44 celsius it makes for very hot humid weather. I think due to all the terrible air out there Amira, myself and many others have caught some kind of summer cold virus and are hacking up what must feel like to a cat, hairballs.

This weekend we are preparing a small family gathering to celebrate my parents 45th wedding anniversary, so hope the heat lightens up a bit for that get together.

Anyway, here's a few pictures from Amira's birthday.

Amira's Adventures

Well in light of everything we've been experiencing with mom's situation, Amira's been having some pretty fun adventures.

One night I had a dinner "meeting" so she went with my brother, his family and my cousins to a minor league baseball game. She's been before but now that she's almost 5 she's more intriqued and interactive with everything. She and cousin Pat, who really gets into all sporting events, were taunting the umpire with things such as...."oh come on blue what kind of call is that". During the innings they also play music, so again she and cousin Pat would stand up and dance. I'm telling you cousin Pat is a kick in the pants so was a bit envious of Amira hanging out with her and the family. Especially after the "meeting". Ok, well it wasn't exactly a "meeting" but in a way it was sort of. I had recently met someone and we had been talking and chatting online, so we were meeting for dinner. I'm telling you this much, no matter how old you get this part is the worst part......getting to know someone to see if there's the possibility of a relationship.

It was a nice evening. We had dinner at a place call Joe's Crab Shack which is located right on the river. So it was lovely to sit outside on the patio area over looking the water and enjoying the sunset. Conversation was good and his company was nice. However, I get the feeling we are going to be great friends but nothing further. He's also divorced and has two children. He's been divorced for over a year and a half, but there's just something that tells me he's not completely over the shell shock of being divorced, which I completely understand when you are not the one that wanted the divorce in the first place. Anyway, it was a nice evening and if nothing else I have a new friend, but really I'm not looking to date a bunch of people----hate that--never have been good at it and don't want to learn now----just want to meet someone and start a new chapter of life with them.

Anyway back to Amira's adventures. After the ball game and learning how to cheer and taunt the umpire we hung out with cousin Pat and Pooh for the remainder of their stay. Always a wonderful adventure with them.......filled with lots of laughter.

Last Sunday I needed to work so Amira went to her friend Angela's house for a few hours. Before taking her there I got a text from MixedUpMe asking to pack her swimsuit, which Amira was thrilled to hear. When I got off work and went to get her they were still at the pool. MixedUpMe shared that she had a great time but never once got in the water.....only sat on the stairs with her feet in the water. :-) But it's all good as she had a great time. In one day that little girl's olive complexion immediately darkened to a beautiful color while poor white girl mom takes nearly all summer to look the same color as her in the dead of winter....LOL

Other fun adventures coming up so will keep ya posted.

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap

Well Amira and I had a great Thanksgiving holiday this year. Of course Thanksgiving day we spent at my parents home with my family (previously remarked on "Thinking Out Loud'), which was nice.

For the remainder of the weekend Amira and I spent everyday going to the gym and then to a park near our home. We were so pleased to have such nice weather, and with all the crazy people shopping like it's the 'last supper' or something, the park was truly our calm paradise, alhamdullilah.

We enjoyed a picnic of leftover turkey--sandwiches and soaked up the lovely weather and atmosphere. Amira loved climbing on this one piece of equipment that looked like a rock wall, so had take a video to show Grandpa when he and Grandma return from their cruise. Last year we went on a mini cruise with my family and Grandpa decided he wanted to do the rock wall climbing on the ship, and with great effort he was able to succesfully make it to the top and ring the bell......mabrook to Grandpa. Not bad for a guy in his early 60's. Anyway, since my dad and I like to joke with one another, I decided to take this video of Amira rock wall climbing not only to show him, but to rub it in his face that she successfully does so in a skirt-----effortlessly. :-P

Gotta love family kidding. ;-)
Just wall climbing


Throwing in a slide ride as well.

Thinking Out Loud

Well I suppose in order for there to be balance there must be good with the bad, huh? First, I’ll start with the good. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration with my family, with the exception of my brother’s absence, as his station was called to southern California in case there were anymore fire outbreaks. I have a small family, so celebrations are generally intimate and relatively quiet. Certainly my sister-in-law who comes from a larger family brings the loud excitement into the household, which we all welcome and enjoy, yet somehow enjoy the solitude once she leaves. No offense to her, it’s just sometimes it’s a bit much. Again, with all that being said we had a wonderful time, alhamdullilah.

Now for the flipside. I decided to call my grandmother (mom’s mom) who lives in southern California. She’s 86 years old and still lives on her own, alhamdullilah. Our families (grandmother and mom) have never been close---apparently there’s some issues between the mother and daughter that have gone all these years unresolved, which I can only continue to pray get resolved before either of them depart this planet, inshallah. Even though there’s not much closeness with our families, I still try to remain in contact through holidays, special occassions, etc. So, on Thanksgiving day I decided to call grandma and wish her a “happy thanksgiving”. She never answers her phone---it always goes to voicemail for her to listen to whose calling. So, I identify myself and continue to leave small talk on her voicemail until she picks up as I know this is her routine. She answers the phone so cheery and pleased to hear from me. She tells me her plans for the day and what she’s been up too. She then ask me if I’m getting ready to go to Jr’s, to which I just kind of blow off to perhaps her being a little confused because Jr is my cousin. Then she says, ‘well you know how your mom is with her lead foot”, and laughs. I quickly realize she thinks I’m my cousin, Kim. I tell her this isn’t Kim, grandma, it’s me, Ibeebarbie. “Oh, oh I’m so sorry”, she says. Instantly her tone changes, almost a little meloncoholish, which I find interesting, and then our conversation goes something like this. She ask in a somber tone how Amira and I are doing, to which I respond we are doing well. “Oh good, glad to hear it”. “I’ve been getting along ok, you know aches and pains and such”, she says. Then as if this isn’t a strange enough conversation she says, “so, did you find a man yet?” “No grandma, I haven’t”, I said. “Are you sure? What’s wrong?”, says she. “I don’t know grandma, just hasn’t happened yet.” “Oh, ok, so are you still dancing?”, ask she. “Yes grandma and so is Amira---she’s really enjoying it.” “Oh that’s nice. Have you lost any weight?”, ask her. At this point, I’m anxious to get off the phone because I’m tired of this crap as it always comes along with holidays and family stuff. We end our call with love for one another.

Get to my folks, and my dad starts in with “did you do something different with your hair?”. “No, dad. Just curled it.” “Oh”, with a smirk on his face…”it kind of looks like Hedy Lamarr's”, to which he starts laughing. Feeling so great about myself already because I have two strikes according to grandma because I don’t have a man and I haven’t lost weight dancing, now feeling the third strike cross the plate I’m being laughed at about my hair. Oh good grief---we still have Christmas and New Year’s to get through.

Quotes by Hedy Lamarr
"Any girl can be glamoous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." Now, doesn't that seem like something to strive for?

"If you use your imagination, you can look at any actress and see her nude, I hope to make you use your imagination." Good grief! I have a pretty good imagination, but I can't get past that HAIR. I swear mine doesn't look like the one in the picture. LOL

Anyway, I'm still thankful for all God has bestowed upon Amira and I's lives, alhamdullilah.

MusicLover Recommendation

The other day MusicLover posted a comment on one of my post regarding a movie recommendation. After doing some research, I was not able to find this movie at my local movie rental place via their website, and was disappointed.

Tonight, however, after work Amira and I went to the movie rental place to pick up a couple of movies to watch over the long Thanksgiving holiday, and low in behold the movie, Away From Her, was starring right at me as soon as I rounded the corner. Of course, I immediately picked it up along with a few others. When we got home we had to watch Amira’s movie first which was Mickey Mouse’s Christmas….LOL It was cute. After finishing her movie, I immediately popped in Away From Her. Oh my goodness, what a perfect movie for the holidays. For the matter, it’s the perfect movie anytime. It will definitely be one of my favorites. I should caution to keep tissue nearby because it’s a very powerful movie.

I cannot and hope I never have to experience what both these people experienced, inshallah. But, how I would love to be able to spend 44 years with a beloved, inshallah. This movie is a great reminder of how we should be ever so grateful for every moment we have on this earth, and every moment we spend with our dear families, friends, and people will meet in the future. Truly life is the most precious gift on this earth, alhamdullilah, and we, as humans should cherish life as if it were a rare and precious gem. Moreover, we should always remember to never take advantage of the wonderful relationships we have with every human that crosses our path, inshallah.

MusicLover, thank you for the recommendation.

Thankful for All Things

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More Than A Day

As Thanksgiving Day rolls around,
It brings up some facts, quite profound.
We may think that we're poor,
Feel like bums, insecure,
But in truth, our riches astound.
We have friends and family we love;
We have guidance from heaven above.
We have so much more
Than they sell in a store,
We're wealthy, when push comes to shove.
So add up your blessings, I say;
Make Thanksgiving last more than a day.
Enjoy what you've got;
Realize it's a lot,
And you'll make all your cares go away.

New Turkey Recipe

Well as we begin Thanksgiving week, I thought I'd share a new recipe that someone may be interested in trying.

NEW TURKEY RECIPE

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!

You should try this!

Sure to bring smiles from your guests!

Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

4. Watch your guests' faces...

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Humanistic Reaction

Wow! What an action packed weekend we had, but before I go into sharing that with you I thought I’d find out how you react to certain people.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to download photos and share the eventful weekend with you, inshallah.

There was a group of 9 of us – all family members that gathered together everyday since last Wednesday evening as my cousins came in for a mini vacation. Just love these cousins and every moment we are able to spend together, alhamdullilah.

From the onset there’s a family member that passively demands to be in control through unspoken communication and through manipulative tactics. I know you all know or have one of these people either in your immediate family, distant family, close network of friends, or otherwise. The one that refuses to make a decision, but always seems extremely willing and game to do anything anyone wants to do. Yet, when a decisions is made and it doesn’t go off flawlessly that person is always there to give you the “I told you so” look or sigh or roll of the eyes or (fill in the blank). Thus resulting in tension amongst the group because we all feel this unspoken communication yet none of us address the individual. Maybe out of respect, out of fear of upsetting them, or maybe because we (speaking individually) think we are the only one’s that feel this tension and therefore keep silent. Regardless of the answer it is frustrating at best.

Moreover, I’m overly amazed at how much havoc this one person can wreak on the entire group without a mere utterance of a word. Not until this weekend did I ever see how much this person is in control of everything yet seeming from the outside as if the victim or at least seeming to be available for everything but getting mad or pouting if they don’t get their way. This was a real eye opener for me, truly. For although this person is an adult chronologically they exude such childlike qualities. Don’t get me wrong, I realize we all can have these tendencies of getting frustrated or upset because things aren’t going our way or we aren’t getting what we want, but I’m not certain the majority live in this daily state of consciousness. Then again, I could be sadly mistaken.

For years I have felt sorry for this individual and made justifications for them because I always perceived them as a victim of sorts; however, learned this past weekend that perhaps victimization was also a form of manipulation.

I sat watching this all unfold before me and said very little. Why? I’m not entirely sure why. I think the mere realization of the unfolding truth befuddled me. For sometimes the truth can be so profound and take some processing time, at least for me. Furthermore, it can be somewhat shocking when the blinders (so to speak) have been removed and you can see things clearly or at best in a different fashion then what you’ve become accustomed too.

I find myself somewhat feeling guiltily conflicted in my emotions because there’s a part of me that wants to confront this individual and yet fear either their wrath or more of the same behavior. Moreover, feel guilty for having these feelings towards a family member because perhaps it would be perceived as not a wise thing to do.

Curious to know how you handle family/friend conflict(s) with someone that exudes either the qualities of passiveness, manipulation, victimization, all the previously mentioned or other behaviors not mentioned.

Tranquility

What a glorious weekend, alhamdullilah.

As earlier noted, spent Friday night with the entire family going to a baseball game which was really nice just to all be together, alhamdullilah.

Saturday my daughter and I went to my parents where we spent the day again with the family to celebrate Easter. My family is not particularly ‘religious’ per say, but respectful of others, alhamdullilah. Knowing my daughter and I are Muslims they are always respectful of us and make sure they always have food we can eat. Since my parents just returned from traveling for a couple of months they combined two holiday meals into one day, which I thought was funny. We had smoked chicken (usually ham) and corn-beef and cabbage (yuck). The corn-beef and cabbage, of course, would be for St. Patrick’s Day. We are not Irish but since we missed the holiday meal together and corn-beef is my sister-in-laws favorite, mom decided to serve it for Easter. Too funny! Of course having a million thoughts on this subject alone could really send me tail-spinning into all kinds of philosophical topics, but will stick with the title line because after all the entire weekend was tranquil, alhamdullilah.

After dinner Saturday, we watched the kids (2) hunt all over the yard for plastic eggs filled with goodies. What impressed me the most about watching this event was the gentleness and kindness of my nephew who is 10 1/2 years old. He made sure he pointed eggs out to my daughter (3 ½ years old) so she could gather them in her basket as well, mashallah.

After egg hunting it was off to riding quad-runners and motorcycles in the yard for the guys and my daughter. She just loves to ride with Grandpa on the quad, and he always looks so proud to be riding her around the yard ever so slowly, mashallah. My brother and his son on the other hand are real dare devils, so were racing for hours around the yard. I was equally as thrilled to spend time with my mom and sister-in-law laughing and telling stories.

Sunday morning came to the sound of cooing doves outside my back window. What a fantastic sound that is, if you’ve never experienced it, alhamdullilah. Spent the majority of the day preparing taxes for the tax guy I work for seasonally, and then took a long walk with my daughter, alhamdullilah.

Trying to place my finger on what set this holiday aside from so many others, and came up with the conclusion that it was ok for the first time for me to be without a husband. For countless years, that has been the most painstakingly painful part of holidays for me. That feeling of loneliness that surrounds you when you gather with family and friends, and see everyone has a partner but you. I am not certain what sets this holiday a part from so many others, but will relish the peacefulness and serenity around this one, alhamdullilah.

Togetherness

Well last night was the first time in a very long time that my entire family spent together outside of either a holiday or some sort of family crisis, alhamdullilah.

My dad loves baseball, and since we have a semi-pro team in our town, he thought it would be fun for the whole family to go. Indeed it was a great time, alhamdullilah.

I was so surprised and pleased to see how many families were also enjoying the game, alhamdullilah. I actually have a couple of philosophical topics on the whole night, but will stick with one. =)

Why does it seem so difficult for people to gather and spend time together? It becomes a huge production just to get together for anything. Unless, of course, it’s surrounding a holiday, which is pretty much a given ‘family’ time or an unexpected family emergency. I find the latter most fascinating because the excuses we so often use for not being able to get together are – I’m too busy, I have to work, etc. However, when a family emergency occurs immediately everyone’s calendar and time frees up to gather. Unbelievable!

I wonder if sometimes the family pressure is too much and thus causes us to avoid the gatherings. Or if sometimes gathering as a family causes us to revert back to our ‘roles’ in the family unit (i.e., the child/parent syndrome), and rears old unhealed wounds. I wonder if we put undo pressure on ourselves to be a certain way around the family or set unreasonable standards upon ourselves that we think everyone else expects us to be, which then leaves us wanting to avoid the whole gathering in the first place.

Whatever the situation, for me it was an incredible evening to spend time with my family without it being a holiday and wearing all our formal costumes for the event nor was it a family emergency that required us to be together. We all came on our own free will, and seemed to all equally agree it was great and to do it again, inshallah.