Processing Random Raw Thoughts

Why do I remain so closed off? Or why do I remain so strong as to not ask for assistance? For some, asking for assistance does not seem to be such a struggle, so why do I?

Fear of being weak?

Fear of bothering someone with my troubles?

These two also keep me from being approachable.  Meaning: giving the impression to others that I don’t need anyone.

Fear is one’s pride or ego, not their heart or true essence.  One’s heart or true essence doesn’t reflect such thoughts, feelings or images to the world.

How does one open up?  How does one also attract someone with a willingness to have his or her heart open too? (Again, random raw thoughts--the answers are seemingly obvious.)

I could probably be a Mensa Member, yet I lack the fortitude to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to open up to attract a partner.  Letting go of any kind of fear has to be the most challenging thing on earth.

I understand the reason, logic and even psychology behind it and even counsel my clients on it, and yet it remains my biggest obstacle in life.

Fear limits all reason and logic.  Even knowing isn’t enough to do anything…..one’s choice to take action is what is required…….feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

There are so many of us that I hear say (self included), “I never want to hurt anyone” or “it would kill me if I hurt someone”, yet in the process we never realize or acknowledge we are sometimes sacrificing ourselves in the process which is ultimately hurting us.  Somehow in our justified reasoning we say, “I’d rather hurt myself than someone else” or “I’d rather take their pain for them so they don’t have to go through that”. Why? Why do we choose to do that?  It’s as if somehow we are being self-less.  Are we?  Is this really being self-less or are we just being self-sabotaging along the way for the sake of others?

In the end, isn’t it their pain they have to deal with or not? 

I don’t think the majority of us intentionally plan to hurt someone, but somehow we do because we don’t take ownership of our own hurts and pains.  We don’t learn to process them, and therefore end up projecting them onto others, thus creating a vicious cycle.

This is not about brow beating one’s self for not acknowledging the obvious; this is a gentle reminder of what one needs to be consciously be aware of in order to change the cycle----should one desire something different.

Reading Corner

In the mist of the madness of the days events I'm always looking for a way to quiet the mind and still the spirit, and one of the ways I do so is in reading. Setting aside the study and research matter for a bit in order to quiet and still myself, I picked up a book my brother got me recently called A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier by Ishamel Beah.

The first sentence alone in the book grabbed me and pulled me in immediately.

"There were all kinds of stories told about the war that made it sound as if it was happening in a faraway and different land..." Also the last sentence of the first page continued to pull at me to continue. " "The only wars I knew of were thoe that I had read about in books or seen in movies such as Rambo: First Blood, and the one in neighboring Liberia that I had heard about on the BBC news."

Probably the most surprising and unfathomable part was that this story line takes place in the mid 90’s. Yes, of course, I realize there’s unthinkable things happening all over the world to millions of humans, but for some reason this particular reminder just pulled at me.

This is an extraordinary memoir by a young man who has lived and seen the worst of humanity and managed to survive and become a better man for all the tragedy, violence, horror and degradation he was forced to witness as a 12-year old boy. I can see this as required reading in high schools across the country. It is not only that good, it is that important. The writing is honest, straightforward, painfully introspective but never self-pitying. Truly an amazing story, and a history lesson we all need be reminded of now and again.

Another observation that I noted was the boy came from a Muslim background, yet “Religion” was not a topic on the table, which I found refreshing. For often times, the topic of “religion” can sidetrack some from the whole picture at hand. However, admittedly, I’m curious to know his spiritual reflection during and after such a hellish time in one’s life.

Simply put-excellent!

Coexist

The word coexist in of itself sounds so lovely and wonderful and yet seems to be one of the most difficult things for us humans to accomplish on this planet. Why is that?

I've heard and read so many things indicating how different the east and the west are from one another, yet I never seem to see any definitives on this subject matter….more vague than concrete. Moreover, it seems whenever there is an expounding on this subject matter its more about the differences rather than the similarities. I wonder, just wonder, if we discussed and shared our similarities if we wouldn’t discover how much we are alike rather than not.

Part of the equation that seems to be so finely intertwined and at times difficult to tell the difference is cultural upbringing and religious teachings, and I think this causes confusion.

For the sake of discussion, please share what you feel are the similarities based on your experience or knowledge between the east and the west.

Integrity and beyond

What does it mean to someone to have his or her integrity attacked or humiliated? How does one deal with such an offense? How does one remain grounded and centered and not allow their ego to assume the role of either victim or evil barbarian?

Certainly we as individuals have our own point of view of how we perceive something being done or not done. However, what is it like to be on the receiving end of someone else’s perception of how they perceive something being done or not done if it contradicts your own perception of the same situation?

Certainly our temperament by nature will have a great determining factor in how we react or respond to such situations. (Disclaimer – please note the following are mere attributes of different temperaments.) For an example, someone with a Choleric temperament generally has a very strong Type A personality that is very driven. They are quickly and vehemently excited by any impression made; he/she tends to react immediately, and the impression lasts a long time and easily induces new excitement. They can be very abrupt, seemingly cold-hearted, and very driven by nature. These individuals are generally very successful people in the work-world; however, due to their driven and even perfectionist nature can be seemingly aloof emotionally and very difficult to connect with on a personal level. On the other hand someone with a Sanguine temperament is very outgoing, fun loving, the life of the party. Like the Choleric they are quickly excited by any impression made; however this quickly vanishes. These individuals seem to be ready at any given moment to do anything. However, they can be somewhat draining because they never seem to settle down at anything, almost as if to have a short attention span. These temperaments are great to be around for some in small doses because again of their fun loving nature; however, sometimes they can be seen as never taking anything serious including their own lives. Then there is the Melancholic temperament which is at first only slightly excited by any impression received; a reaction does not set in at all or only after some time. But the impression remains deeply rooted, especially if new impressions of the same kind are repeated. These individuals tend to take things on an emotional level far deeper than any of the other temperaments. For these individuals internalize far deeper than anyone could ever imagine even though from the outside seem very calm, collected and unaffected by situations. Individuals with this temperament have an extremely softhearted disposition. They tend to enjoy silence and solitude over crowds. These individuals are slow to trust due to their fear of ever being hurt. Last but certainly not least is the Phlegmatic temperament, which to some may seem well balanced because of their ability to be neither easily offended nor overwhelmingly distracted by failures or sufferings. These individuals generally remain composed, thoughtful, deliberate, and have a cold, sober, and practical judgment. They tend to live in the very moment, and can be easily distracted from their responsibilities.

I believe we are a combination of all these temperaments with one of them being a dominant and the others to subsequently fall in line behind the dominant one. Recognizing these temperaments is very helpful in perhaps understanding an individual’s reaction or non-reaction towards something. Moreover, recognizing your own temperament can prove helpful in understanding your own reaction or non-reaction towards something. However, where it might get tricky is knowing how to deal with someone else’s temperament with your own temperament, if it differs, which brings me back to the beginning of this lengthy post.

Have you ever taken the time to consider these different temperament types in your daily life? Have you ever taken the time to wonder why disagreements and/or conflicts go on unresolved or maybe painfully out of control? Resulting in the severing of personal and/or business relations with little or no hope for repair.

Given the nature of who we all are makes me wonder at times how on earth we have been able to co-exist this long. Once again proving to me that there is a director (God, Allah, Higher Power, Creator, Divine Spirit---whatever name you feel resonates best with you) managing this crazy production we are all performing in known as “life”.

MusicLover Recommendation

The other day MusicLover posted a comment on one of my post regarding a movie recommendation. After doing some research, I was not able to find this movie at my local movie rental place via their website, and was disappointed.

Tonight, however, after work Amira and I went to the movie rental place to pick up a couple of movies to watch over the long Thanksgiving holiday, and low in behold the movie, Away From Her, was starring right at me as soon as I rounded the corner. Of course, I immediately picked it up along with a few others. When we got home we had to watch Amira’s movie first which was Mickey Mouse’s Christmas….LOL It was cute. After finishing her movie, I immediately popped in Away From Her. Oh my goodness, what a perfect movie for the holidays. For the matter, it’s the perfect movie anytime. It will definitely be one of my favorites. I should caution to keep tissue nearby because it’s a very powerful movie.

I cannot and hope I never have to experience what both these people experienced, inshallah. But, how I would love to be able to spend 44 years with a beloved, inshallah. This movie is a great reminder of how we should be ever so grateful for every moment we have on this earth, and every moment we spend with our dear families, friends, and people will meet in the future. Truly life is the most precious gift on this earth, alhamdullilah, and we, as humans should cherish life as if it were a rare and precious gem. Moreover, we should always remember to never take advantage of the wonderful relationships we have with every human that crosses our path, inshallah.

MusicLover, thank you for the recommendation.

Latest Read

After seeing one of Oprah’s shows a few weeks back with a guest speaker who wrote a book entitled Eat, Pray, Love, I knew that was going to be my latest read. The very next day I went out and purchased this book and have been reslishing it every since.

I’m not one that believes that things happen by change or by luck or anything like that, but rather think of them as divinely planned. I believe we have free will to make the choice to either follow the divine path that is laid before us or not. I believe the purpose of our lives is to learn from our mistakes, to stretch and grow beyond our own limits all for the purpose of having a closer relationship with God. So with that little tidbit information, I believe this book, although published in 2006 and even released in paperback in February 2007, was brought to my attention at the exact perfect time I was suppose to receive it.

I can relate to the author of this book on so many levels. The perfect description for her although linguistically I’m not certain any of us can be completely described to our full attention, but nonetheless she’s such a beautifully flawed human. She’s very funny. She makes herself very vulnerable with her life’s experiences, which is refreshing. She is so detailed in her experiences as if to say, “here I am standing completely naked for all to see my flaws, weaknesses, and insecurities”, and yet somehow this doesn’t make her seem weak, helpless, tawdry or even pathetic.

I am not completely through the book, but so far I can tell you it’s been a fantastic book to read. There are parts you just savor, then there are parts that leave you hungry for more, and even parts that leave you pondering. Overall I would consider this a must read book if for nothing else than the humanistic experience which is both so simple and yet so complicated. There is no doubt we are fascinating creatures to say the least.

THE STELLA AWARDS

Proof of entitlement mentality

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store’s owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella’s to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE:
(May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Do you think you could?

This past weekend we celebrated my sister-in-law Claudia’s birthday. My brother prepared a great meal for us and we enjoyed the evening visiting. During this visit I learned something new about my sister-in-law. Just over 15 years ago she and my brother met and fell in love while each on vacation in Mexico. Eventually they agreed to get married and for Claudia to move to the U.S. Mind you she had little knowledge or understanding of the English language and no immediate family that would be living nearby her.

It was three days before she and my brother’s wedding when she decided she just couldn’t go through with moving to the U.S. She knew she loved my brother with all her heart, but apparently the three days prior to their wedding it all of a sudden became a reality to her that she’d be leaving her family, her culture, and her country. She immediately panicked upon this epiphany and wanted to go home. She and my father had made an instant connection when they first met and had become close over a short period of time. Having no immediate family members here as they hadn’t arrived yet for the wedding, she went to the only other person she trusted for wisdom and that was my father. Apparently she broke down in front of my dad and tried to explain in her best broken English that she couldn’t go forward with this marriage and didn’t know what to do. My father who used his best Spanish as well as English tried to comfort Claudia and acknowledged that what she was feeling was very real and natural. He thought it would be helpful to her if she contacted her mother and discussed this issue. She agreed and called her parents. Her father, who she was very close and attached too answered, and she told her father she couldn’t go forward and wanted to come home. He told her "no, you’ve made the decision to get married and move so now you have to stick with it". She could not believe her father told her no. Unbeknownst to Claudia, after her father told her no he handed her mother the phone and went in the other room and cried for nearly a day and a half. He admitted to Claudia’s mom that was the hardest thing he had to do was tell his daughter no. Of course, Claudia didn’t know any of this until much later.

In the end she and my brother married and are still married to this day. Claudia was diagnosed a few years or so after their marriage with bi-polar disorder and has been on medication ever since. I have to wonder if she had this condition prior and it was just discovered later. I have to wonder if one has anything to do with the other. I have to wonder if it was just a coincidence.

Hearing this story for the first time over the weekend it caused me to sit and reflect on a number of things. Of course, it’s no surprise the love, adoration and respect I have for my sister-in-law, and knowing that I wondered if I could make the same decision she made 15 years ago, and honestly I don’t know if I could. Moreover, I wonder how many other people out there are like Claudia and would be willing or have taken the risk to make such a leap of faith. How many would be willing to leave their family, their culture, and their country for the sake of love? How many people would make this decision within 8 months of meeting one another, with only a couple of face-to-face meetings---all other communications were through transcribed letters and/or translated phone conversations?

I would be curious to know your thoughts. I would also be interested in knowing if you’d make such a decision and/or if you have already made such a decision and how you came to that decision. If you haven’t but know someone that has, please be so kind and share. Lastly, please share the outcome of such a decision.

Banned after one showing

Someone sent this to me today and I thought it was so fitting as well as a wonderful reminder. I'm always so amazed at the things that are banned, overlooked or eliminated from the media. How the priorities that are determined by the people in power are more self-serving rather than beneficial for the general masses. More importantly how the people in power so strategically manipulate their priorities and agendas in such a way that unfortunately so many buy into or accept them as the way it's suppose to be.

As beloved humans I believe have an obligation to one another.....to help, love and respect one another, and to be the best we can be in honoring and serving Allah.

Sorry for the small print in pictures - I couldn't figure out how to upload the PowerPoint Presentation format that was received in my email into my blog.