Saturday, November 16, 2013

Becoming the thing you fear - sucks

I woke this morning with this unsubtleness to break down and cry. Having an overwhelming feeling of ‘fatness’; a distinct feeling of disgust for my body that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Body aching terribly---jaw hurts, back of head near base of neck throbbing, joints are stiff, stomach hurts to bend over, and everything about my body feels stiff and bloated. Doing too much dancing on my toes and calves begin to cramp, and the tears slowly release. God help me, please.

For the longest time now I’ve lived in denial about my body.

When I was younger, I heard a repeated line, “your face is so pretty, and if you’d lose weight you’d be perfect”.

For years, I starved myself, became bulimic, and even physically hurt myself for being ‘fat’.

I tried every diet in the book---tried pills, different programs as well as doctors in an attempt to not be fat. I exercised 5 to 6 days a week. Pushed myself physically and mentally to not be fat.

I was a girl with a big butt and thick thighs and a waistline that was tiny in comparison. Hated everything about me from my waist down.

As the years went by I gave up having a scale in my house. I gave up feeling bad about food. Gave up counting fat, counting calories, counting carbs, counting glasses of water, counting protein…………counting of any kind.

I had a child over 10 years ago and have pretty much devoted my life to raising her. Every now and then I would get a ‘negative’ thought about food and/or my body and quickly push it away, telling myself to ‘feel’ better.

I now realize that over time I’ve traded my obsession with not being skinny to complete and utter ‘ignore’ with regards to all things associated with my body. It’s really no wonder I have no idea who the person is when I see pictures of myself.

I feel I’ve lost the battle of what I feared most being---fat, and have become that very thing---fat.

Yes, psychologically, I absolutely get it if someone else presents this to me, and I know what to do, but as of this moment I’m sitting before the individual (me), who just happened to have an Aw-Ha moment and feels like shit for realizing what she’s become.

It would be so wonderful to believe we could out smart ourselves, but truth be told---we can’t.

As we continue to be cracked wide open this year, with absolutely everything on the table---free from any hidden spots---I realize I must be with it all and FEEL....letting the reality that is be my release. As much as it absolutely SUCKS, it must be done.

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