Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Latest Read

Well finished the book called Princess and am anxious to get the other two books that will conclude the trilogy.

Started to begin Lipstick Jihad, but was given another book by my dad to read. My parent’s neighbor literally have their own Borders bookstore and DVD theater of which is always at my parents’ disposal. The neighbors know how much my dad likes mysteries, so lent him the book called
Absolute Power by David Baldacci. My dad told me the book caught him from the very beginning and held his attention the entire time. In fact, for a man that can't sit still longer than 5 minutes, he found himself not wanting to put the book down. So, since this book belongs to the neighbors of my parents I decided I better read it first and return it sooner rather than later.

Well, I'm only on page 16 and I had to put the book down because I found myself having difficulty breathing because indeed the book grabs you right from the beginning. So far it's about a 60 something year old man that's a professional burglar. He's carefully planned out robbing this grand estate in Virginia and is now inside the house. Not of course without carefully calculating how to disarm the alarm which made me nervous. LOL Ridiculous I know---hoping the bad guy doesn't get caught---but truth be told I was holding my breath. Now he's inside carefully making his way up to the master suite and sees this full-length mirror, which he knows is a vault. He manages to get inside the vault to gather all the goods from within, and hears a vehicle drive up the driveway. He quickly resets the alarm to the house and then closes himself inside the vault. He's located a remote control inside the vault, which will allow him to escape once everyone leaves the house. (Still barely breathing.)

He crouches behind a chair inside the vault, which he knows if the people of the house open the vault he'll be easily seen behind the chair, but hides nonetheless. He figures there are 3 to 5 people who have come into the house. Now coming up the stairs towards the master bedroom where he is located 3 people enter the room, a man, a drunken woman, and a business-sounding woman. The business-sounding woman leaves the room leaving the other two. All of a sudden a burst of light hit the burglar right in the eyes and he almost gasped at the suddenness of his little world going from inky black to broad daylight. After not hearing any screams, seeing no faces or hearing any guns he peered around the chair he was hiding behind to discover the vault door seemed to have disappeared-he was staring right into the room. He recognized the people in the room, and quickly realized they could not see him as the vault door was a one-way mirror. (Reminding myself to breath.) The burglar decides to sit in the chair and wait things out until he can safely escape the house.

At this point I had to put the book down, so I could recapture my breath before going in for more. One of my reading downfalls is that I can totally get into the scene of whatever is being written as if it's happening personally to me. Great for escaping everyday reality once in awhile, but inauspicious when one is worried for a burglar being caught....LOL

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Moon gas may solve Earth's energy crisis

This afternoon I received an email regarding a news article that was certain to be considered an interesting read. Although not doubting the article or its contents, the only thing I could concentrate on was the heading, Moon gas may solve Earth's energy crisis.

Here in the U.S. when people show their bums to others with their pants down (I know, I know---your sitting there with your mouths agape, saying to yourself, either "why would anyone do that?” OR “what the hell?") its referred to as 'mooning'. Combine that imagine 'mooning' (showing your bum) with gas (another expression for flatulent) and it leads one or at least me to hysteria.

Moreover, the article talks about the amount of helium that is found on the moon, which brings another hysterical picture to my mind. As children we'd inhale the helium from balloons just so we could talk with funny voices.

So, I suppose all in all if extracting ‘gas’ from the ‘moon’ in order to talk funny proves beneficial and creates a harmonious and happy environment then who am I to oppose it.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Lastest Read

Well last Friday I went in pursuit of the book entitled Lipstick Jihad as I had recently seen it was one of Fatima's latest reading materials. While meandering through Border's I stumbled upon the book entitled Princess. Something on the cover just leaped out at me, so of course I had to take a peak. Short on time as I had a meeting to get too, I just read a smidge and it was enough to cause me to purchase it. In fact it was so intriguing to me that I've actually put reading Lipstick Jihad on hold until I finish this book. Admittedly, I purchased them both as I didn't want to run out of reading material in the early wee hours of the morning when I'm enjoying my solitude. :-)

So far, I'm about half way through the book and I'm wrestling with how I feel about it. It's supposedly written by the author Jean Sasson who became a trusted friend to this Saudi Princess, and the writings are of the Princess's life. So of course, I question the authenticity of the book’s details as well as wonder if it isn’t merely a means of generating media sensationalism or possibly a combination of both. Moreover, there's a part of me that shutters at the thought of some of the things that are discussed regarding the treatment of women. In all earnestness, I question myself on how could I possibly doubt the validity of the mistreatment of women around the globe, when I've seen it in my own existence. Perhaps because the pain is so much to bear combined with the fact that I like to believe things can change for the better. I know there are in all probability elder women still living today that would advise me of just how much the world has changed and improved since their growing up years, but the fact remains mistreatment of humans continue to go on just like the beginning of time.

Perhaps there's also the mystery of discovering the unknown Saudi culture that draws my attention to wanting to unearth the hidden secrets. At this point I satisfied with a mere glimpse, but know I’ll always hunger for more knowledge.

If any of you have read this book, I’d love to know your thoughts.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Sabotaging Prisoner

This post is in response to both Romana’s question to my latest post, Message in the WiFi, as well as my own processing I’ve been going through in the last week, which is the reason for my resent silence.

Romana asked "did u self sabotage urself? and do u "know it now?" My answer would be definitively, "YES".

For me, the sabotaging of myself has been through keeping silent, which I learned from a very young age. Although there was and still is an inner voice that screams for me to open my mouth and say something, I’ve pretty much for the most part remained silent. Why? Because silence is acceptable. Silence portrays the traits of someone that is well controlled. Someone that appears to have it altogether. Silence affords you opportunities to not be noticed. Silence affords you opportunities to not be reprimanded for not conforming. On the flip side, silence causes a great deal of pain. It causes one to suffer miserably without anyone knowing.

When did I learn to be silent? It was when I was 5 years old. My cousin, whom I loved dearly, and I were molested by her father. He threatened to take Kimmy far away and for us to never see each other again if we said anything. Neither Kimmy nor I have talked about this, but rather each suffered separately silently. Eventually Kimmy’s father decided he wanted to leave California and take his family to lands unknown. He loaded them all up in a car and drove until the car broke down and decided that was where they’d live. (He's such a freakin' idiot....Ooops, I digress.) They ended up in some really remote small town called Mead in Colorado far from any family or friends. Was I sad that Kimmy left? A part of me was, and yet another part of me was relieved because selfishly I knew he wouldn’t be doing anything to me again. However, I never once thought until years later what Kimmy must have endured being all alone in Mead, Colorado.

The one thing I knew about Kimmy and I was that we both use to try to speak up, which was only received as badmouthing girls that should learn to be more respectful and to keep their mouths shut. We were to be seen and not heard. This use to infuriate us, but again we never talked about it. It just boiled in us that no one would listen to us.

There was certainly much strain between Kimmy’s mom (my aunt) and my mom, as they were close sisters that had been torn away from one another by this vile man. He certainly conquered what he wanted by parting the family and degrading my aunt enough to believe she was worth nothing. She even attempted to commit suicide later in life due to the strains of this man’s brutality, but after surviving such attempts she’s now became merely a shell of existence. She seems to have resolved herself to accept the suffering in silence and prays for God’s mercy.

I recall my mom taking me to Kimmy’s house when Kimmy was preparing to get married and her brother was preparing to graduate from high school. Mind you Kimmy was only 18 at the time of her marriage, which was a clear sign she couldn’t wait to get out from under the control and sickness of her father. Anyway, my mom who never knew to the best of my knowledge as I had never said anything about Kimmy’s father molesting us, reminded me on the way to Colorado to mind my manners and not cause trouble……to just keep my mouth shut. Out of respect for my mom or maybe pure fear of being punished severely by her I agreed to keep quiet. We were not even at Kimmy’s house for a day, two at the most, and already her father was trying to offer me beer to drink (I was only a year older than Kimmy), and telling me how pretty I was and how nice looking I turned out to be. Literally my skin crawled at the sight of this man that I nearly threw up on him as he spoke these disgusting words to me. My mother was certainly within ear shot as we were all outside preparing for a bbq. I couldn't look at him because I couldn’t take his stares, his sleaziness, his offering me beer anymore, and told him I didn’t want any beer and to just leave me alone. This made him very angry because no one spoke back to him, and certainly not a snot-nosed brat of a teenager was going to disobey him. He told me I had a smart mouth and that I should be punished for my bad behavior. I told him that if he touched me there would be more serious trouble for him and not for me. My mom and aunt became so distraught and upset over this exchange that they agreed my mom should take me away and go stay in a hotel room as I was causing too much trouble. My poor cousins seemed so frightened and scared and literally you could see them close within side themselves, as if to make themselves invisible.

My mom grabbed my arm and dragged me to the car. I could feel how angry and seething she was at this very moment. She drove out of the driveway very fast with absolutely no clarity as to where she was suppose to go as she was not familiar with Colorado let alone this tiny remote town that didn’t even have a grocery store. As she sped down the dirty dusty dirt road she began yelling at me, "ibeebarbie, how could you do this? Why couldn’t you just suck it up and keep your mouth shut? Why did you have to cause a seen?" I was so furious at her for blaming me for this trouble. I yelled back telling her how could she blame me. Why did she think it was right that this asshole offered me beer? She said well you could have just said, "no" and left it at that. I told her, "mom that guy's an idiot and I HATE him." She said, "honey, we all hate him, but I love my sister so put up with him for her sake". I told her I didn’t like the way the guy hugged me or that he said how pretty I was or how he made me feel uncomfortable. She again reminded me that she understood but sometimes we do things like keeping our mouths shut for the sake of others. She reminded me that my aunt was weak and had no one to help her and that my mom was the only connection she had. She hoped that if we could smooth things over with her sister’s husband that they could remain in contact with one another. Otherwise she worried terribly for losing her sister as a result of this situation. Of course I assumed all of this was my fault as I had been repeatedly told that my mouth was my worst feature, that I never learned to control it, and therefore was made to suffer as a result of disobedience. I was told that when we went back to my aunt’s house I needed to apologize for my rudeness and to keep my mouth shut. At this very moment, I hated every single adult in that Colorado family including my mom because no one cared what I was going through. I wanted so badly just to go home where I felt safer than I did at this godforsaken place. She told me that everything would soon be over and we’d go home. We returned to my aunt’s house and I apologized to everyone with an absolute void with inside my soul, as if my soul had left my own physical body as a form of preservation to get through the remaining time.

Between the years of 5 and 16 I had been molested by my cousin’s father, other male friends of my family, and was raped at 16 by my best friend’s brother. All the while I sat silently suffering inside. I, too, understood my aunt’s desire to end her life as she failed three times to commit suicide. I attempted myself to end my life in my very late teens because the pain inside of me was far more painful than any one person could handle. Thankfully another family friend found out and took care of me, and as a result I am still alive today because of that person. Truly God sends messengers and angels to us all the time without our knowledge.

There was never a time that I could remember where the voice within me didn’t want to scream out, didn’t want to ask for help, but I denied that voice because I was told I was bad if I opened my mouth. I never wanted to be perceived as bad by others because I already saw myself as bad on the inside. Moreover, in attempt to be somewhat in control, I used my weight as my controlling factor. Due to the unwanted attention of men, I padded myself through food in order to make myself look less desirable. I would even wear dark clothing in order to appear invisible and unattractive. I would not wear makeup because I didn't want to enhance any of my features, even though my eyes were always a give away (like Amira's), and an attractiveness to others. Sadly and yet laughably so I was always told, "Oh ibeebarbie, you have such a pretty face. If you could just lose a little weight you'd be absolutely gorgeous and sexy." Can you imagine to someone who has been shamefully violate how these words felt? After hearing these words so many times and the violations that happened to me, there was no way in hell I was going to part with my wall of cushion. Because after all if I was getting all this unwanted attention looking like plain jane, what would happen if I actually removed the padding.......God forbid I never wanted to know.

Of course, my parents never knew these things happened to me. Because of my mom’s own self-loathing, she was not a safe person for me to go to in order to disclose the things that had happened to me, and therefore because I didn’t feel safe with her I didn’t think anyone was safe to tell things too. I wanted so badly to tell my father because I always felt safe with him, but I decided not to because I didn’t want him to think badly of me. Although I always imagined how he would react if I told him. He would be a valiant night who rescued me from the pain.

Although I learned to deal with the silent obedience, my insides suffered dearly because the voice to speak up never silenced. There always seemed to be an internal battle that went on between my outspoken voice that wanted to stand up and protect against injustice and the vacant complacent voice that wanted to be invisible. For if I could be invisible then no one would hurt me anymore. However, I realize now that the other side of being invisible for the sake of not being hurt also means that if no one sees you hurting they can’t help you.

Years later when I was in my late 20’s I decided to take the risk and tell my parents of the things that had happened to me. My mother’s response was, "Honey don’t worry. We won’t tell anyone about this." I became enraged and told her, "Mom, don’t you understand I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I was a child." She didn’t really have a response to this statement. My father on the other hand came over to me and hugged me. He told me that he was so sorry to hear these things had happened to me. He felt terrible, as he had no idea. He wondered if I worried about him doing something that would have caused him to go to jail if I had told him, and I confirmed that yes that’s what I worried about. He reminded me I didn’t need to worry, and that I could talk to him about anything. I could see the pain in his eyes knowing I had been violated, and he wasn’t able to do anything to save me. I realized he was the knight in shining armor I had always secretly dreamt of, and felt safe for the first time in a long time. I didn’t feel ashamed for the first time, and I actually felt heard by him, but my mom on the other hand………not so much. Still to this day, she ignores these things that have happened. I suppose from her own unknown sufferings she couldn’t acknowledge these things happening to me because then she’d have to acknowledge them as real, and that may just be too painful for her.

You know, no matter how old we get it seems like we are always trying to win the approval or acceptance of our parents. At least I know I have with respect to my mom. I’m not certain why I continue trying, as the result is always the same…..it’s not going to happen. She’s not capable of doing it. However, I suppose there’s a part of myself that feels that if she at least acknowledged me then somehow I’d be validated, and no longer invisible. I realize now and have been realizing that I no longer need her acknowledgement in order to feel whole or to feel visible. For only I can make myself visible, and the way to do that is to use my voice for one and for another I need to allow myself to FEEL again. I’ve lived in such a numbed state for so long that it’s no wonder I don't remember what feeling feels like. I also realize that in order to feel whole and loved I need to do this for myself and for Amira’s sake as well. I don’t want Amira to ever feel she has to suffer in silence or to numb herself in order to ‘survive’ in this life. For I realize these aren’t necessarily life long survival skills as much as they are imprisonment skills. Sure they served a purpose at one time, but I must embrace change and recognize that the old ways don’t always work for the future……..unless, of course, you want to remain forever stuck.

So why do I share all this crazy dysfunction with you? Because I need to be free. I need to remove the chains that bind me and release myself from sabotaging prison. Am I scared as hell to share this part of myself with you? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!! However, the risk of continuing to destroy myself and potentially Amira is far greater, and for those reasons I alone I must take the risk. For what do I have to lose? Nothing! If need be I can always discontinue blogging (however, I have no intentions of doing so), but at least I know I freed myself and that alone gives me strength.

Can you imagine how crazy this statement is going to sound? I’m a little nervous about opening the door to "feeling". Because for me, "feeling" equates to pain only. However, logically I know that there is more to "feeling" than pain, but the nervousness of uncertainty is still the same.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Message in the WiFi

Greetings everyone,

You know what I find so interesting about life---if we are open we can receive so many wonderful things. I know last week I was in one of those "moods" and my normal routine is to go to God with these things as there is no one greater that can show you the way, Allahakbar, Allahakbar, Allahakbar!

My beloved family of bloggers have been wonderful messengers in delivering God's messages whether they know it or not. Moreover, my extended family, Mindy, Vicky and Ryan have also been wonderful messengers in delivering God's messages with their love and support.

Well, just this week I received an email from a mailing list I'm on, and I could not believe the message that was delivered through in it. It felt as if the message was written specifically for me. I love when these messages come this clear. As if a bonk on the head to say, "HELLO!" So, I thought I'd share in case anyone else might be going through something as this may be helpful or applicable to you.

Hey guys!

I didn't intend to write so soon but I wanted to share something with you. Tomorrow, Wednesday on HOUSE OF PAYNE, these two episodes had me bent over laughing. I want you to check them out if you can. But on to the reason that I'm writing…

Over the last few years or so I've been keeping a journal just to remind me of all of the miracles that I have seen in my life. You know there is not a day that goes by that I don't say, "Thank you Jesus!" This has been an amazing ride!

I have a friend that I have known for some time now. Over the years I have watched him try to get his life and career together only to see him seem to get it on track and not several weeks later watch it fall apart.

One day he asked me to take a look at his life and tell him what I saw. Well, when I thought about it I realized that his life was a lot like mine used to be. I went back to my journal and saw some pretty disturbing things. For years I was trying to get my career going and nothing would break for me. I know that a lot of people think that this has happened over night for me but I started in this business 15 years ago with a dream and a prayer.

Anyway, for years I would make one step forward and four steps back. It was a vicious cycle. Then, through divine revelations and a lot of prayer, I began to realize some things. I realized that I had to forgive the people who had wronged me. This was a huge lesson! Once I began that path my life started to change. I also realized something else, and this was my friend's problem--we as human beings almost always sabotage our own success.

There are many reasons why we do this but the main reason that I used to do it and so many of us still do it is because we don't feel that we deserve good things to happen to us. Be it because of what we were told as children or what someone may have done to us, even as of late. I am so glad that I started to recognize that in myself. As I was telling my friend this I saw his will start to turn. At first he didn't think he was that way, but the more he thought about it the more he realized that it was true. He asked me, "How did you know that you were sabotaging yourself?"

I told him for me the thing to look for was and still is this--if you are the type of person that gets close but never makes it in, what that tells me is that you have the faith to get to the door, but not enough to open it. There are different levels of faith. One can take you to the door. Then you need faith to open it. A lot of times fear will keep you from opening it, because a lot of us are afraid of change. Then you need faith to go through the door. This is the biggest part because it means you have to conquer the unknown. This kind of faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.

Once I told him this he said that he got it. But not three weeks later he was back into his same pattern of self sabotage. He asked was I disappointed. I told him no because at least he knows it now and can start the process of getting past it. I know you're wondering why I'm sending you this email. It's just that as I was talking to him I realized that this is the answer to a question that a lot of us are asking. I know so many of us are trying to get to the next level in life. And we can but we must not be afraid.

Fear is the enemy and we MUST, above all things, believe. Believe in yourself and in the unstoppable power of God. Stop being afraid. Live higher and better. You CAN stop sabotaging your relationships and your success. You CAN change. You DO have the power to go higher. The prayer I used to pray and still pray all of the time is "God, don't let ME get me!"

God bless, I'll talk to you soon.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Similar Mind and Movie Personality Test

Once again venturing through the blogsphere realm I went to another one of my marked favorites, Fatima, and found she had posted results from an online test she took. So wanting to be a team player and liking challenges, I took the test as well and the results are as follows:

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Picture it - California 2007

This morning perusing the blogsphere realm, I went to one of my marked favorites, Amira.

Apparently she's been extremely busy since her return from Bahrain and is now preparing for her friend's engagement party. In the mist of all the madness, and I assuming an attempt to settle her nerves from the entire calamity, she found this cool
link online that transforms your face.

After seeing how cool hers were, I just HAD to do it myself. So, here are the results. :-)

Me as Baby
Me as Modigliani

Me as Botticelli

Me as Mucha

Thank you Amira for staying up to all wee hours of the morning just to find and share this site. :-)

I now send this challenge out to all of you to try it and post your results.......pretty please.


Whew! Once again I feel like I have life as I received my camera back from Canon. They needed to replace the little clicker button that snaps the photo, and alhamdullilah it came back ready for capturing the moments of our lives.

This last weekend Mixed Up Me, Charming Child, Amira and I went to an aquatic complex to swim for the day. What a delight that was to be submerged in water for hours on end. Truly water has to be one of the greatest healing sources God has afforded us, alhamdullilah.

Many, many thanks to our near and dear friends, Mixed Up Me and Charming Child for sharing this fantastic watering hole with us. We can't wait to go again.

Hollywood! She thinks these are her swimming goggles. :-)

Are these the cutiest 'cheeks' you've ever seen?
Amira and Charming Child!

Monday, July 16, 2007



Truly the future is yours dear friend. Congratulations on your recent achievements. May all of your dreams and desires come true. May Allah bless you always.

(P.S. Need help with the song choice---I picked this one because I like it, but no clue what the message is about.) :-)

Friday, July 13, 2007


Loneliness has gripped me. In a year and a half since I snuck out from the shadow darkness, I’ve been attempting to rebuild my life after the devastation of being abandoned with a six-week old baby girl four years ago. For the first two and half years after being abandoned, I merely went into survival mode, which in many ways felt so mechanical. I felt so disconnected from everything. I was also so angry because I wanted to spend every waking moment with my precious baby, but being forced into assuming survival tactics I was robbed; however, God was gracious and provided windows of opportunity when I could just embrace the moments of ‘now’ with her.

At times I hurt so badly I would fall on my knees and beg God through tears to take my pain away. What I didn't know then and am still trying to learn now, is that God is using this pain to bring me somewhere. Where? I’m assuming closer to Him……..perhaps closer to me. To see me the way that He sees me, loveable, kind, compassionate, tender, gentle, desirable and perhaps even strong.

During the last year and a half I’ve been to two weddings. The one was of a lovely bride who just beamed from ear to ear for the love she held so near to her, her soon to be bridegroom. She was literally luminous and nearly floating in her gait. Her glow was so infectious you couldn’t help but wish to be in her shoes.

The other bride was one who was and continues to be enslaved in the need for absolute control. She was the first bride I’ve ever seen in my entire life that wasn’t glowing or appearing to be a princess. There’s just something so magical about brides that even the most uptight person couldn’t help but be affected from their beaming demeanor. In contrast to the first beaming bride and the effects she had on the crowd, this second bride was just as infectious with her bound-up demeanor. Yes, she wore the Stepford wife smile, but there truly was more to a smile than what met the eye. She seemed to be under a false illusion of how life should be which I contributed to Satan’s charmingly charismatic words he regularly attempts to plant into our brains. We determine whether we wish to buy these ill-fated words as truth or not, and so often we do.

Interestingly enough, the first bride’s groom exuded the ever explicit traits of a narcissist, which can only prove to be fatal if a part of for too long. The second bride’s groom exuded the ever explicit traits of a God serving man, who truly seemed to understand what it was to be a man and how to treat a woman. I suppose factually it would stand to reason that opposites attract as well as the obvious reason would be for each to help the other work through their "stuff" to become better human beings. But is it possible for two people to come together joined as united forces to continue their journey as joint partners rather than for the purpose of each working through their ‘stuff’? Is it possible that the two can work together towards making improvements to better themselves and their environment as a joint effort rather than the both being dysfunctional and only needing the other to heal and complete the other?

Although I was thrilled to be a part of both of these women’s wedding and celebratory occasion I still felt the fear of being left behind. I wonder/wondered what was wrong with me; I wonder/wondered what I could do to make myself more desirable; I wonder/wondered if I would be lonely forever. Moreover I wonder/wondered if my daughter would ever know or have a father/daughter relation. Wonder/wondered if she’ll ever know what it’s like to have a father to love her, play with her, teach her, and most importantly guide her through life. Wonder/wondered if she’ll ever know what it’s like to see her mom in a loving relationship with a husband to learn the value of relationship and intimacy. Don’t get me wrong of course my daughter sees other people and their relationships, and she has male role models like her grandfather to teach her and protect her, but still feel terribly pained that she doesn’t have a father in her life.

I realize I do not want to marry a man like the first bride’s groom. I could no longer tolerate such a person in my life…………to leave me fruitless and even more alone than I am now. Nor do I want to be like the second bride who is bound by her lack of faith and intimate connection with God. However, the realization of knowing these things doesn’t eliminate the feeling of loneliness.

I realize this feeling of loneliness steams within side myself and can only be cleansed, purified and refined by continuing to walk through God’s process of healing for myself, but some days are truly harder than others. I know beyond words that I am not alone, for God would never leave nor forsake me, inshallah, but the feeling of loneliness still resonates regardless of how I try to rationalize my intellect.

This just happens to be one of those days.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Life's Travel

As you travel through life there are always those times
When decisions just have to be made,
When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,
And the rain seems to soak your parade.

There are some situations where all you can do
Is simply let go and move on,
Gather your courage and choose a direction
That carries you toward a new dawn.
So pack up your troubles and take a step forward -

The process of change can be tough,
But think about all the excitement ahead
There might be adventures you never imagined
Just waiting around the next bend,
And wishes and dreams just about to come true
In ways you can't yet comprehend!

Perhaps you'll find friendships that spring from new things
As you challenge your status quo,
And learn there are so many options in life,
Perhaps you'll go places you never expected
And see things that you've never seen,
Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds
And wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you'll find warmth and affection and caring,
And somebody special who's there
To help you stay centered and listen with interest
To stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you'll find comfort in knowing your friends
Are supportive of all that you do,
And believe that whatever decisions you make,
They'll be the right choices for you.

So keep putting one foot in front of the other,
And taking your life day by day.
There's a brighter tomorrow that's just down the road -
Don't look back! You're not going that way!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Heart of Man

I've heard this on more than one occasion so am now finally wanting to know the answer, should anyone wish to shed some like on the subject.

Is it true that the way to get to a man's heart is through his stomach?

Monday, July 9, 2007

12 steps needed

Hi my name is IbeeBarbie and I'm a blog-aholic. I think that's step one---admitting you have a problem. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeck!

No wonder I feel like my days are running far faster than previously. No wonder I feel I can't keep up with everything. Not until today did I realize I visit 20 blogs daily (sometimes several times a day), let alone those days when I might be caught up on everything to check out more.

77%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Mingle2 - Online Dating

Saturday, July 7, 2007


Well, yesterday turned out to be a glorious day. Not only was it Friday but also it was the day I earned a Lasko Mechanical Engineering degree. I could hardly believe it myself, but it’s true.
Due to the heightened heat temperatures recently and Amira’s warm-blooded body temperature I knew I had to do something in order to cool her down. It was even too hot for her to go out in her little pool we bought as the water was starting to boil (kidding).

Anyway, decided I needed to take action and fast. I went to the store and purchased two 18’ oscillating fans (without remote controls) to generate a wind tunnel affect in our home to cool things off.

Of course, nowadays nothing comes assembled, BUT with instructions in the finest font print and in 50 different languages. We could catch on fire before I could attempt to locate the English 2 pitch font on the instruction card, so tossed the instructions.

There is just something exhilarating about building something, constructing something, crafting something or making something, and then seeing the completed project.
As I was assembling the fans, Amira was cheering and coaching me along. “Momma, that looks nice. You’re doing a great job. Can I do it?” Finally finished the first fan, plugged it in and Amira squealed, “oooooooooh Momma it works---good job!” Truly what more could anyone ask for then their own fan club?

Finished the second fan, plugged it in and Amira was equally as thrilled, but as soon as the wind current took hold in the living room, Amira said, “Momma look my hair is crazy”. It was whipping everywhere, and we laughed.

Truly last night was the first night she slept good in sometime, presumably due to the house being cooler.

Now just trying to figure where to hang the Lasko Mechanical Engineering degree. :-D Hmmmm, any suggestions?

Friday, July 6, 2007

Heat Wave

For those living in the desert, the heat comes as no surprise, but for those of us that live in a wonderful climate community the summer heat can be too much. For that matter, the summer heat can be too much for anyone no matter what part of the globe they live on.

Temperatures climbed so high across much of the West on Thursday that authorities warned residents of Nevada, California and Arizona that outdoor activities could be dangerous except during the cooler early morning hours. Phoenix reached 115 degrees (their temperatures are taking in the shade, so true temperature is not posted); Baker, Calif., reached 125 degrees.

Last night the family gathered together to spent the last evening of my aunt’s visit before she traveled back to southern California today. As we were sitting around the dinner table my dad asked my nephew, who recently turned 11, what he did during the day. My nephew’s response was, “well, do the poor air quality today being dangerous we didn’t do much but stay inside.” Those of us sitting at the table sat in shock at first, then all burst out laughing because we didn’t expect to hear an 11 year old say “poor air quality being dangerous”, but rather something like, “it was too hot, so we stayed inside”. We all agreed we were going to try and use Anthony’s words the next time we wanted a day off from work. :-)

When my sister-in-law first walked in the door to my parents last night, I could see in her eyes something wasn’t right, but she always keeps a smile on her face so to those that don’t read people’s body language you wouldn’t detect anything as wrong. I asked her when we hugged if she was ok, and she said that she was, but that she was hot. Well, as the evening went on we learned that their swamp cooler’s (which by the way really stinks as a form of cooling) pump broke that day. With the temperature setting around 110 degrees and no pump to make the swamp cooler work, her house became like a sauna and the temperature indoors became seemingly hotter than outside. She took 4 or 5 showers throughout the day to try and cool off, and she was drinking lots of water to keep hydrated, but was still miserably hot. My brother was teaching a Haz-mat class that day at work, so wasn’t able to do anything about the cooler’s pump until he got home late that afternoon. By then, she was hot, mad, and dripping wet from the heat.

She was explaining this whole day to me, how hot she was and couldn’t take the heat. She told me at first my brother’s response was, “well, we’ll just go get blocks of ice from the store and put in our air-conditioner in our camper”. I looked at my brother and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me”. “ You are going to sleep in your camper which is parked in front of you house?” He and his friend just laughed, while I could see my sister-in-law was getting worked up again. My brother seeing this took the opportunity to get her more worked up. He said, “You know it’s real simple – when you’re hot open a window and when you’re cold close a window.” Of course, we knew he was saying this to push her buttons, but still I couldn’t help but say, “You’re such a jerk”.

Anyway, long story short they fixed the pump and as of last night the house was cooling off. Poor thing!

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

To My Precious Baby Girl - Amira

It’s hard to believe it’s been 4 years since Amira was born, alhamdullilah. She is honestly a gift sent from God. Truly she touches everyone that comes into her life. She’s loving, tender, kind, and determined. She has brought a confidence out in me that I don’t would have otherwise come out.
Truly our children come into this world to teach us----not the other way around.
To my precious baby girl, Amira, may Allah bless you always, keep you safe, and guide you at all times. Happy Birthday Baby! I love you so very much.

I dedicate Martina McBride’s song “In My Daughter’s Eyes” to Amira.

In My Daughter's Eyes
In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Tuesday, July 3, 2007


I am in need of a wife. A wife who will assume all duties of the household, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and managing the finances, etc., as I seem to be failing miserably.

I am in the preparation phase for Amira’s birthday party, which is tomorrow. For some stupid reason we’ve taken a simple intimate celebration of being with family and eating some cake to an all time high. Now we must serve a meal, serve desert, and provide the little kiddies that come to the party with gifts to go home with. WTH! (What the Hell) Apparently it’s no longer politically correct to just allow the birthday child to have their own day and have gifts alone, nooooooooooo we have to make everyone feel special, so we have to give them all gifts too. UGH!

I’ve made it a point to not give Amira sugar since she was born. My reasoning behind that was as an adult she has her whole life to fill herself with countless supplies of sugary things, but as a child I thought it would be important to instill healthy eating habits by consuming fruits and vegetables. To some critics they feel I’m some how abusing my child because I won’t let her drink sugary sodas, eat candies, cookies, and cakes, etc. In fact, I was reprimanded for not giving her cake and ice cream on her first birthday. I gave her a beautiful glass filled with raspberries and a candle for her to blow out. On her second birthday I gave her a goblet filled with strawberries and a candle for her to blow out. Getting tired of the harassment I decided last year to make a sugar-free cake for her, which I did and it turned out really nice. My girlfriend, Mindy, being an excellent cake decorator decorated her cake and made it look like a Princess. It was adorable. So, this year I decided to make another cake for her. This one is a sugar-free cake with sugar-free cherry vanilla ice cream on the inside of the cake. Mindy and I have been working on this cake for two days now. One day to make it, fill it with the ice cream, and then back in the freezer to set up. Yesterday went back to Mindy’s to decorate it. We are frosting the cake with cream cheese, and our own flavoring. We decided in the mist of decorating it last night to weigh it because it’s seemed really heavy. We employed Mindy’s daughter, Cody, to step on the scale for the weighing because there was no way in hell Mindy and I were getting on the scale. Cody stood on the scale and weighed her self, then stepped on it again with the cake, ran for the calculator and came up with the cake weighing 11 lbs. (5 kilos). We were literally shocked. We laughed so hard and could not believe it, and we weren’t even finished decorating it. We still have to put the fresh raspberries, crown, and candles on the darn thing, so it will probably be even more.

Anyway, I decided that since my Hunting and Gathering skills (masculine qualities) seem to over dominate my domestic skills (presumably feminine qualities), leaving me feeling at odds with myself, and since I’ve not been successful in landing a husband yet, that perhaps I’d be better off trying to land a wife. :-)

Sunday, July 1, 2007

What in the world?

Just when you think you’ve seen it all, something else pops out at you.

Yesterday afternoon my mom and I spent the day having lunch together and shopping for Amira’s upcoming birthday party. We went to a retail chain called The Dollar Tree, which is known for selling their merchandise for $1.00 or less. It’s a great store for getting party favors and supplies.

When my mom and I were ready to check out, at the cash register area the store has all types of last minute products or as my friend calls it “impulse buying” products that are displayed right by the cashier. We were checking out at the cash register closest to the door, and with nothing better to do as we had already unloaded our items on the conveyer belt, I was glancing at the commodities. Standard stock would be gum, cigarette liters, batteries, small snacks, and trinkets for the kids, but to my absolute shock and surprise they had the follow (below) item for sale.

My mom said, “OH MY GOD!”, then said, “I wonder how accurate it is for $1.00”?

Very good question, Mom.

Makes me wonder a number of things:

1-Why is this product in the “impulse buying section” rather than the pharmaceutical section?

2-Why is it on a display case at the check out counter for kids of any age to see and buy?

3-How can the Dollar Tree sell it for $1.00 when every other retailer sells it for more than 600% that price?

4-How accurate is the test?

5-If they are going to sell that right there, then why are they selling condoms as well?

6-Why are all commercials on the U.S. television relating to feminine products shown? (i.e., panties, bras, feminine monthly products, pregnancy test kits, birth control remedies, shaving solutions, itching, and the latest item is a lubricant product by KY that gives the viewers a sense that it’s designed for a woman to entice a man)

7-What products do they promote and show for men? Besides Viagra