Over the last 24 hours Amira and I have experienced something very unchartered for either one of us. Amira told me last night she wanted to send an email to her father, and could I please give her the email address. Handling just this initial request alone would determine a number of things, including how our relationship would go from here forward. All of my inner fears, over protective need to want to keep the past in the past were now facing me, and how would I handle it? No matter how much logically you understand things it never prepares you for the reality of the situation until you are facing it right in the eye. Even knowing the loss of a loved one after a slow painful death finally occurs, you are still not prepared for how you will feel and react at that very moment, even though all along you felt you had been preparing yourself for when the inevitable would happen.
I gave Amira the email address and gave you space to write her email. You could definitely feel the tension and uncomfortableness in the room, both hers and mine. I literally felt helpless at the moment….not knowing if what I was allowing was the right choice or not, and subsequently I felt tears well in my eyes. She asked why I was crying and I told her I wanted her to know this was uncharted waters we were entering into and that no matter what she and I are a team and we’d get through this. She asked if I was mad she wanted to contact him, to which I responded I wasn’t. I asked her how she felt about her decision, to which she said she’s been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and feels this sense of urgency around it…….like it needs to be now before it’s too late. I asked why she felt this sense of urgency or that only now was the time, and she said she didn't know.
As we sat quiet on and off over what seemed like hours, during the still quiet moments I felt like I was being shown a chess board with players on the board. I felt like the Creator of the Game was with me while I was looking at this board because this very small quiet voice inside me asked to take a step back from the situation and just look at everything for a moment before making my next move. At that very moment I felt like I was being told this is how life works; it’s a game of chess. Every situation in our lives is a move on the board. There isn't necessarily punishment involved when we play a move wrong or anything like that, but rather an opportunity to improve our game. Yes, we could continue playing the same way we've always played, and guaranteed losing far more than winning from that vantage point, but by taking our time, leaning back and looking at the table, perhaps even at a different angle, we can see a better move.
As Amira and I are the ones currently playing this round, I feel the Creator of the game’s presence and feel I should take some extra care in how I play my next move, and ask myself if I’m doing it from my own ego self or am I really doing what’s right for the whole situation. No doubt I’m human and will not play the game right as I’m not finished mastering the game, but in this instance as painfully tough as it is I will support her decision to make contact. I told Amira no matter what we’d work through this together.
May the Creator of this baffling game stay with us a bit longer and give us some continued guidance…..would greatly appreciate it.