Friday, April 10, 2009

Rainy Day Blues

Ugh! Along with the blooming of flowers, the blossoming of new leaves, and the lusteriest green grass all around which represent signs of spring. Scattered showers also represent spring as well. With the days filled with sunshine and the wondrous beauty that surrounds us, I find myself luminous and light. With the days filled with scattered rain, gray skies, I find myself sullen and melancholy.

It is of the later that I find myself the last couple of days, and I dislike how this makes me feel. I acknowledge there are so many things in my life that are a blessing. Moreover, I acknowledge that Amira and I are blessed beyond words. However, there’s that humanistic part of ourselves that even though we realize and acknowledge all of our blessings, we still, at times, long for something else.

For me, it’s a missing of a once great relationship. I’ve not wanted to post about this as it seemed too painful at the time to even put my feelings into words, but perhaps actually putting the words in writing I can finally once and for all move forward in my life.

Three weeks after my mom’s funeral my two best friends of 8 years decided to essentially vanish from my life. They have their reasons but to me I do not understand them. My one friend, Mindy, merely sent an email essentially saying she didn’t know how to be my friend anymore. My other friend, Vicky, slowly withdrew without a trace. It took me longer to figure out Vicky no longer wanted to be my friend because although she’d respond to my text messages she wouldn’t take my calls or accept any of my offers to do anything. Being a little slow and now feeling foolish for continuing to ask someone to spend time with me made me feel like a real ass when I realized she was no longer desiring to be my friend either.

I wish I knew the reason why they’ve decided to no longer be my friend. Although I’m not certain it would really matter-----would it? The end result is they no longer desire to have me in their lives.

I struggle with my feelings over them because I loved these two women dearly and never imagined my life without them. There were times when I’d imagine Mindy and I sitting on a porch somewhere as two old women laughing and talking over our lives journey. How we survived parenthood. How we probably out lived our husbands. How we were grateful to have one another all these years.

I’ve inquired as to what happened in our friendship to cause it to go array and have not received a response from either one of them, so realize I’ll probably never know and should just move forward with my own life as they have. But the pain from the loss is still real, and at times like these damn gray rainy days very prominent on my mind.

6 comments:

Libyan Violet said...

Ibeebarbie,

"There’s that humanistic part of ourselves that even though we realize and acknowledge all of our blessings, we still, at times, long for something else."
The above is a very human trait...

As for the lost friendships, reading your blog I already have several reasons for them disappearing. It's the fact that you are positive, don't whine are full of activity, hope and optimism and also have no pretence. Real friends will stick around others with an agenda will go away..so while this is sad it is not your loss but theirs, you will make more friends than you can manage to keep up with because you are so blessed !
Hugs to you and Amira

MusicLover said...

Sorry to hear about your friendship with the two ladies going sour.

My advice to you if it counts, have more friends than two and do not get too close to them because some people do not want to share their private their lives with their friends plus do not share everything about your priavte life with your friends.

If your last two friends were married, then usually couples like to do things with other couples not with single mother on a regular basis. Having a boy friend or a husband, you will spend more time with your family than with your friends and meeting your friends occassionally will be more fun,

Your definition of friendship maybe differs than your friends prespective. Try to be selfish sometimes, besides thinking of your friends or Amira, think about yourself, try to enjoy yourself with out their company, either by yourself or go on a date.

For me I would think screw this friendship, just think the positive 8 years you had with them, life goes forward, your life does not stop because they no longer want to have you as a friend. A friend is a person who asks about you but it does not have to be on a daily basis, even a simple SMS during 2 weeks is enough, a small reminder there is someone there who thinks about you or you think of them. Don't get too attached to your friends, it is not healthy.

Summer love is around the corner. Happy week end.


Summer of 42 - Jennifer O'Neill / Music by Michel Legrand

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWMxX5MGuHI


George Benson "Theme from Summer '42"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcfdydLjpWE


I fell in love with this film when it came out.

Luna said...

Hi B
Sorry- but they weren't good friends to begin with.

Friends stick together through thick and thin.Maybe youre better off without them.

I always tell my kids when friends leave them;"people who don't want you don't deserve you."

I'd agree with musiclover I have many good friends but my personal private life I share with no one.
Have a good laugh,pamper yourself dear,you're well worth it.

If your friends left you for no apparent reasons they must be jealous of you as you seem such a nice person and full of confidence.
a quote to cheer you up :

"Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody. "

~Benjamin Franklin
Thanks for sharing.SMILE and the world will smile at you and Amira.
Allah bless.

Mixed Up Me said...

I still love you!!!

Rose Bud said...

This is a question that I have come across so many times. How do you not take it personally when someone you care for suddenly decides they do not want to talk to you.

When it is unexpected it hurts. It causes confusion and mysery. Espically when you've just lost someone you care about like a parent. The bottom line is some people can't cope. They don't know what to do or say or they think you should be back to "normal" again. But the truth is, loosing a parent hurts.

Even worse people grow apart. If I have learned one thing, life can get in the way. Friends are for seasons and when the season is over the friend moves on. That does not mean they don't like you, it means they have aquired other intrests.

As hard as it is to accept, it happens.

I would definately agree with what MusicLover says, move on with your life and focus on you. Your friends will come around or they won't.

Sometimes, friends are just not up to coping with our grief and instead of talking about it they leave.

Leyal said...

i passed throughthe same thing with one best friend i had for yearrrrsssssssssss who knoe all about me,we grew ,went out,worked together..then got married...etc...when suddenly STOP!I even sent her a letter telling her how i felt...i mean we were now both parents...and i wanted to share these exp with her...she called me and we started meeting again, she would come to my home..with her little son etc...then again...STOP!!!
tHEN I REALISED THIS PERSON IS NOT WORTH IT...but i always wonder...WHY?