Friday, July 13, 2007


Loneliness has gripped me. In a year and a half since I snuck out from the shadow darkness, I’ve been attempting to rebuild my life after the devastation of being abandoned with a six-week old baby girl four years ago. For the first two and half years after being abandoned, I merely went into survival mode, which in many ways felt so mechanical. I felt so disconnected from everything. I was also so angry because I wanted to spend every waking moment with my precious baby, but being forced into assuming survival tactics I was robbed; however, God was gracious and provided windows of opportunity when I could just embrace the moments of ‘now’ with her.

At times I hurt so badly I would fall on my knees and beg God through tears to take my pain away. What I didn't know then and am still trying to learn now, is that God is using this pain to bring me somewhere. Where? I’m assuming closer to Him……..perhaps closer to me. To see me the way that He sees me, loveable, kind, compassionate, tender, gentle, desirable and perhaps even strong.

During the last year and a half I’ve been to two weddings. The one was of a lovely bride who just beamed from ear to ear for the love she held so near to her, her soon to be bridegroom. She was literally luminous and nearly floating in her gait. Her glow was so infectious you couldn’t help but wish to be in her shoes.

The other bride was one who was and continues to be enslaved in the need for absolute control. She was the first bride I’ve ever seen in my entire life that wasn’t glowing or appearing to be a princess. There’s just something so magical about brides that even the most uptight person couldn’t help but be affected from their beaming demeanor. In contrast to the first beaming bride and the effects she had on the crowd, this second bride was just as infectious with her bound-up demeanor. Yes, she wore the Stepford wife smile, but there truly was more to a smile than what met the eye. She seemed to be under a false illusion of how life should be which I contributed to Satan’s charmingly charismatic words he regularly attempts to plant into our brains. We determine whether we wish to buy these ill-fated words as truth or not, and so often we do.

Interestingly enough, the first bride’s groom exuded the ever explicit traits of a narcissist, which can only prove to be fatal if a part of for too long. The second bride’s groom exuded the ever explicit traits of a God serving man, who truly seemed to understand what it was to be a man and how to treat a woman. I suppose factually it would stand to reason that opposites attract as well as the obvious reason would be for each to help the other work through their "stuff" to become better human beings. But is it possible for two people to come together joined as united forces to continue their journey as joint partners rather than for the purpose of each working through their ‘stuff’? Is it possible that the two can work together towards making improvements to better themselves and their environment as a joint effort rather than the both being dysfunctional and only needing the other to heal and complete the other?

Although I was thrilled to be a part of both of these women’s wedding and celebratory occasion I still felt the fear of being left behind. I wonder/wondered what was wrong with me; I wonder/wondered what I could do to make myself more desirable; I wonder/wondered if I would be lonely forever. Moreover I wonder/wondered if my daughter would ever know or have a father/daughter relation. Wonder/wondered if she’ll ever know what it’s like to have a father to love her, play with her, teach her, and most importantly guide her through life. Wonder/wondered if she’ll ever know what it’s like to see her mom in a loving relationship with a husband to learn the value of relationship and intimacy. Don’t get me wrong of course my daughter sees other people and their relationships, and she has male role models like her grandfather to teach her and protect her, but still feel terribly pained that she doesn’t have a father in her life.

I realize I do not want to marry a man like the first bride’s groom. I could no longer tolerate such a person in my life…………to leave me fruitless and even more alone than I am now. Nor do I want to be like the second bride who is bound by her lack of faith and intimate connection with God. However, the realization of knowing these things doesn’t eliminate the feeling of loneliness.

I realize this feeling of loneliness steams within side myself and can only be cleansed, purified and refined by continuing to walk through God’s process of healing for myself, but some days are truly harder than others. I know beyond words that I am not alone, for God would never leave nor forsake me, inshallah, but the feeling of loneliness still resonates regardless of how I try to rationalize my intellect.

This just happens to be one of those days.


piccolina said...

don't worry sweetie inshallah your daughter will be the best with/without a father , don't fogetr GOD is there for every one
you ae not alone haboba , i'm sure u have a loving family at the same time i totally understand you
keep smiling u have a daghter who needs you


mani said...

You are not alone dearest sister

ibeebarbie said...

Salam Piccolina,
Thank you for your words and support, alhamdullilah.

Salam Mani,
:-) Thank you!

dusk till dawn said...

dear sis , u start ur blog by the song rise and fall. may just can say, ur rising above the stars and never go below the clouds ,stay there shining and bright.
we all go throught the motions, ur title is a story of its own .u got a lovbely precious daughter .gorgeous as it seem.make it ur destiny there is where u belong,let me say not every marrige is great , not every sparking love is last for ever, i can not put the blame on eny one, but life has to go on. do not look whats in the past it has aready gone , no need to wipe a tears over the love once,u have made me feel ur lost . but think of ur self what a head u have to cheive
u might feel lonely sis ,but always a light in the end of tunnele.ur daughter it gonna be ur rose ,u have to find and deep down to bring ur self to reality and face the facts ,try to find the hidden inspirations u missed, never mind weddings u have attended
time is a good healer,
i wish u happeniss. think its always sun shine afer the rain.
god bless u sis

Mixed Up Me said...

I just want to tell you that you are a great friend, and I will be forever grateful to have you in my life (especially when I need to vent using "certain" words that only yoiu seem to understand!!)Just know, you are never alone, though I understand your feelings.

Angela and I had a great day today with you guys. My blood has stopped boiling, now I;m just waiting for the top of my legs to stop throbbing . . .how are your cheeks?

Mixed Up Me said...

And I am too darn tired to fix those typos in my previous message, so just for tonight I am going to have to put aside my Type A personality and let the typos be typos!!!

a_akak said...

You are not and will never be alone, as Allah has bestowed on you a wonderful daughter who see's in you everything that is good in this life and visa versa, You are not alone and will never be alone, as you people around you that love you and will stand by you .......... dont worry you and amira will be fine insha allah :)

You are not alone and will never be alone,

Fe Aman Allah

ibeebarbie said...

Salam Dusk Till Dawn,
Welcome and thank you for visiting this blog and commenting. I absolutely agree with you on the destined course we must embrace. Everything in this life is centered around growth, and hopefully we all learn and grow from our experiences otherwise we are left repeating them until we do. :-) Perhaps I may have in my haste been not properly posting my feelings clearly as my intentions were not so much on the weddings, but the sentiments of union with another. More importantly knowing that it seems each person that comes into our lives is part of the growing process for each of our betterment, hopefully, I’m not certain I’m ready to go through another growing spurt. :-) So, wonder if it’s possible to unite with a partner for the purpose of traveling the journey together rather than the appeared educational session of healing old wounds.

Amira absolutely, unequivocately is everything to me, mashallah. For through her Allah swt has taught me soooooooooooooooooo much, alhamdullilah.

You are right. There does always appear to be a rainbow after the storm, alhamdullilah

Hi Mixed Up Me,
There is something terribly disturbing as well as humorous when you realize you’re in a crowded room of people and yet still feel so completely alone and isolated.

Amira and I had the best time today. Thank you for sharing this hidden secret to us.

The good news is I won’t have to wear blush for a while as my cheeks are nice and rosey (how’s that for cleverly answering which cheeks) LOL Oh goodness, I need more coffee---I’m starting to crack myself up.

So proud of you for letting the Type A personality have a rest. :-D

Salam Ahmed,
Indeed you are right and even though the feelings of loneliness surface, I can always give thanks because I know that I’m not alone, alhamdullilah.

Happymoi said...

It is normal to have this feeling every now and then...But the most important thing to know in such circumstances is that you are/and will never be alone, you have many people who care about you,and when everything is not going your way remember that Amira will always be there. Plus ofcourse ( im here if you ever need anything:) Take good care of yourself sweetheart:) I admire your courage,your sense of being,your thoughts,and everything about you. YOU GO GIRL:)

Anglo-Libyan said...

salam ibeebarbie,
I was touched by what you wrote and I add my voice to the others, you are not alone, you have Allah, your daughter and your family and I really wish you the best in life inshaAllah, you are a lovely person.

another thing, you have us, the Libyan bloggers :o)

ibeebarbie said...

Salam Happymoi,
Welcome home! Glad you made it back safely, alhamdullilah. You are absolutely right, these feelings being momentary, and a reminder to ourselves that we are not alone even if we feel lonely. I, too, am there for you dear friend – even if seas away. J It was not by accident or chance that we met, and for that mere reason alone I am so thankful. (hug)

Wa’salam Anglo-Libyan,
Thank you. I definitely have my family of Libyans that have been a great support aside from my little Amira, family and my girlfriends, for which I am dearly grateful, alhamdullilah.

Brave Heart said...

Slam Ibee
i feel what u feel , but sometimes we can't do any thing, sometime we just let the life to lead us wherever it wants, but at the end of the day Allah stand there to support us and make the live more easy.
as the guys said we are ur e-family, and let me know when u r ready to visit Libya you and Amira

ibeebarbie said...

Salam Brave Heart,
Feel honored to have you post a comment – thank you.
I agree with we have to let life lead us – as it’s usually through these leadings when Allah is seizing the opportunity to teach us something, alhamdullilah. It would then be up to us to learn the lesson or repeat the course later… yuck! I’ve repeated many lessons in the past, so want to pay more attention now. :-)

Thank you for your words of sentiment and open invitation for Amira and I to come to our extended home – Libya.

Lost-Libyan said...

my lonilness ain't killing me, I must confess I still believe ( still beleive) when Im not with u I lose my minds...Give me a sign ... hit me Ibee one more time! lol...hope that cheered u up..thats the transexual version of britney spears LOL :P

Romana said...

this post has touched me in so many ways, i dont want to sound corny now, but its just so deep and close... thanks for sharing...but as mani said, u r not alone :) and as u said, u went thru hell for your daughter,and Allah is rewarding you in every way...

dont worry, be happy... :) u know the song right? from me to you ,:)

ibeebarbie said...

Salam Lost-Libyan,
Oh my goodness – your comment was the first thing I read this morning and I nearly spit coffee all over myself because you made me laugh so hard………..GOOD ONE!

Salam Romana,You are so wonderful – thank you. Love that song by the way “Don’t Worry Be Happy”, Doesn’t it make you feel like we are on a Caribbean island just watching the waves. Awwwwwwwwwww calming already.

Romana said...

:) some songs have the same effect on me!!! dont worryyyy, be happyyyyyyyyyy, lol, just love it, makes me smile everytime i listen to it!


Salamaaaat :)