Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Monday, September 15, 2008

Courtroom scene

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde.

“Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...”

“I didn't ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to fraudulently sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, “I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.”

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'”

“Now tell me, Judge, what the heck would you say?”

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Sometimes

Sometimes...

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.




Sometimes...


when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt.




Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress




Sometimes.

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile
..



-


-

-

-


-

--

-


But
FART !! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!


Gotcha!!
You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Dog naming

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Snotty Receptionist

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Moral - DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS

Friday, October 5, 2007

THE STELLA AWARDS

Proof of entitlement mentality

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store’s owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella’s to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE:
(May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Monday, April 16, 2007

What's in a name?

Greetings and Happy Monday to Everyone!

Well as most may know in the U.S. it is down to the wire with the filing of our income taxes----yuck!

I’ve been advised that although I’m self-employed under my own name that for the sake of the Federal Government I should come up with a business name. Apparently, my name alone is not enough to identify myself as my business. Can you imagine? I can only imagine that the simplicity of my business name (my own name) is both confusing and mind-boggling to the institution of governmental regularities.

So, in an attempt to satisfy both the Federal Government and myself through via compromise, I’m imploring the assistance of my dear friends to assist me with coming up with a name for my business. Some parameters to consider – I’m an independent paralegal, loan processor for mortgage broker, seasonal tax preparer , spiritual seeker, humanitarian, philosopher and my most valuable role is being a single mom of a 3 ½ year old girl. So, as you can see I wear many hats, but don’t want to be labeled by one specific task. Also, just for the mere principal of the fact, I would like to somehow keep my name incorporated in the business name. Your creativity will assist me in satisfying the Federal Government as well make this ridiculously fundamental procedure humorous.