Pain in spite of reason

As we travel through this journey we call life, there’s so many hills and valleys. There are so many unexpected curves, and roads with either short or long distances.

Often times I ask myself, why? Why is it that we have to experience all these things……all these emotions and feelings? Really, what is the purpose? In the big scheme of things, what are we all suppose to be doing on this journey called ‘life’?

I visualize us being in a human maze with no real direction, no real sense of knowing how big or long the maze really is because we don’t get an overhead preview. Would it make any real difference if we did have an overview? Would we rationalize to ourselves when the actual journey of the maze seemed endless that there’s a beginning and an end and we are somewhere in between, with no attachment to feelings, or feeling happy for the experience, frustration for not recalling all the details of the previewed maze, or disappointment because as prepared or as strong as we may have been for the journey, it did not end up the way we wanted?

As happy and optimistic as I may be in my life, I’m certainly not exempt from feeling disappointment, sadness and depression. As much as I can see the good in everything, I’m always surprised when depression and/or stress enter my being.

I think what always brings on these feelings is a result of human interaction. The ending of a job, schooling, project, or any other material thing we can image, doesn’t seem to have quite the impact as the ending of a human relationship, whether an ending of a life, friendship, intimate relationship, etc., the pain seems to always be the same, unbearable.

I’ve recently experienced some physical health issues that have been a result of stress and sadness, and it scared me. Thankfully, it wasn’t my heart as I suspected; it was more along the lines of an ulcer and vertigo. However, not experiencing these physical symptoms before really concerned me. As much as I thought I could talk (reasoning mind) myself out of thinking the worst, my mind (thinking) also scared me to suspect the worst. It’s amazing; really, how powerful our thought process can affect us either positively or negatively.

Of course, reasoning mind says, “this too shall pass”; however, my emotional and physical being is currently experiencing anguish.

I think the worst part for me is the feeling of being once again exposed. When you have any kind of personal relationship, you make yourself somewhat vulnerable by revealing your (strengths and weaknesses) to another, and then when they are gone you are left feeling vulnerably exposed.

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That’s the deal.” ~C.S. Lewis

Finally Exhaled

With 2012 starting off like a sprinting race it has been non-stop go, go, go. The anticipation of the “new” to come and the many plans put in place for at least the first half of this year, it seems today (21 days into the New Year), I decided to exhale. Until this morning when I woke myself up with tears running down my cheeks, I realized I had been holding my breath this whole time. I suppose having this feeling of having so much to do (all good and desirable things), and the anticipation of how to manage it all, just momentarily took my breath away.

It’s funny in life how some times, for example, you have no idea you’re even holding your breath until that exact moment of exhale.

I suppose if I was to narrow things down and put a finger on the exact thing that caused me to hold my breath, I’d have to say it’s ‘change’. I can feel change of some kind in the air, and like most people change can be challenging. For me, if I’m honest with myself, I think I love the sense of ‘safeness’ in known routine. I love the since of ‘security’ in predictability. Mind you, I realize these terms of safeness and security are all just relative since change is inevitable, but nonetheless there’s that sense that gives us comfort.

Even if one’s existing circumstances are not as desirable as one would like, there’s still that sense of predictability that seem more tolerable than ‘unknown’ change.

On the other hand, preparing for a significant life altering change (wedding, career, family addition, purchasing a home, etc.) can be both exhilarating and somewhat terrifying all at the same time.

It seems once one goes through some kind of change or transition in their life, things eventually work themselves back into a state of predictability and calm, which is somehow comforting.

In my situation, it’s perhaps that not knowing at the moment what the change is, but rather just a ‘feeling’ of a life altering change is about to happen, which probably explains the unnoticeable breath holding I’ve been doing until this morning.

Here’s to remembering to breath. :0)

Amira's First of Many Experiences

A week ago, Friday, Amira’s school had their annual Harvest Festival, which consist of food, crafts, community gathering and this year a talent show.

About a month prior to the Harvest Festival, Amira came home from school and announced that she wanted to sign up with one of her classmates for the talent show. Internally I was shocked because of her severe shyness, but externally I showered her with encouragement and support. She shared they were going to do a scene from Alice In Wonderland Jr., the musical. All new to me, but was excited for her nonetheless for her adventurous nature. She practiced everyday when she had free time.

A week prior to the Harvest Festival she even took her backpack to school with a few dresses and shoes to show her friend so they could decide what they were going to wear for their play.

The day of the Harvest Festival, Amira packed her backpack with all her wears and went off to school. At 4:30 that evening my dad and I arrived to greet Amira and assist with any last minute preparations for the big show. We also ran into her little friend that was equally as excited, nervous and ready to go.

Beings this was the school’s first year at having a talent show at the Harvest Festival, it was a bit unorganized leaving families uncertain as to where, when and what time the show was suppose to take place.

Like sheep we followed a flock to a classroom where we all gathered for the big event. You could clearly tell Amira was nervous but wanted to play it ‘cool’ around the other kids. The program directory was passed out and the talent show attendees where asked to sit up front. Amira’s little friend was still not in the room when the talent show began, which added greatly to Amira’s nervousness.

Amira’s name was finally called to step up, to which she did, but to tell the director that her friend was not here yet. Ugh! She returned to her seat and anxiously awaited her friend’s arrival.

A few acts later and her friend finally arrives. Amira runs back up to the director of the program and advises her that her friend has arrived, so they let the two of them go to center stage with a microphone in Amira’s hand. The room is silent and still. The two girls look out at the crowd, then look at one another. Amira’s eyes begin to wail up and she puts her hand around her throat. Her friend’s eyes are like a deer looking in headlights – wide as can be. They just stand there. Finally the director whispers to them, “it’s ok, you can sit down”. The two girls walk off the staging area. Everyone claps.

We make it through the remainder of the talent show, then Amira comes up to me barely holding back from crying and I grab her hand. She doesn’t not want much comforting as she’s seconds away from losing it and doesn’t want to do it in front of everyone.

We make our way to the car. Once inside we both start bawling like babies. I feel so horrible for how she’s feeling. She’s embarrassed and can’t stop crying. She wants to just go home. We held hands all the way home, and talked about the show. I shared with her how proud of her I was, and how proud others were of her for taking such a big step, as they know how shy she is. She tells me that when she looked out at the audience she was surprised how many people were there, and that Patrick’s advice (from Spongebob) of visualizing people in their underwear did not help AT ALL. I shared with her my experience of having to say or do something in front of people and how it made me feel. Hearing this seemed to help calm her nerves.

When we got home I asked if she wanted to share some hot tea together and she said that she did. As I was preparing the tea she decided to get this book she gave me last year which was a book of Maxine quotes (see below the first page of the book she turned too).

When I brought her a cup of tea, I found her crying again. I asked what happened and she said she got the “Maxine” book out as she thought it would cheer her up, but instead she said, “I opened the very first page and this is what I saw”.

Maxine can be so cold sometimes. LOL

Fundraiser

Had an amazing weekend, last weekend. Conducted my first fundraising event. With the assistance of a friend of mine, we conducted a breast cancer awareness fundraiser. We've since changed the name to breast health awareness since we don't want our focus to be on cancer awareness, but rather on health awareness.

We conducted a massage marathon. Two days of massaging with proceeds going to the Susan G. Komen foundation for research.

Was a little nervous at first as there's a lot to consider and prepare for in pulling off such an event, but thankfully everything fell into place seemingly effortlessly.

Feeling so blessed and thankful for such an experience, the next plan is to do another fundraiser in the spring but on a bigger scale. Still considering the cause to support, but have it narrowed down to either something for children, diabetics, or abused women.

Crumbling & Dismantling

As the walls crumble and the antiquated structures are dismantled, freedom is making its way all around the globe. What an exciting time to be living on planet earth. I feel so blessed and grateful to be a part of this time period. May we continue to learn more, so we can do better.

“Life without liberty is like a body without spirit.” ~Kahlil Gibran

Movement

For the last couple of years it seems like we’ve been experiencing a pattern. Or perhaps it’s just that I’ve become more aware of time. In any event, during the last couple of years, each year starts out rather uneventful then around the middle of the year things really start to pick up speed. Certainly this year has been no exception. Although the world on a hold has been extremely active, it seems these activities have in some ways caused us all to stop or at best slow down. For certainly this year has been a show stopper on many fronts with the global economy dangling by a thread, tsunami in Japan, the unemployment situation in the U.S. (not to be elevated above any other countries unemployment situation—just it’s in my own back yard, so to speak), and the uprising/uprooting taking place in northern Africa to name a few. Needless to say someone, somewhere has been affected by these global events, which has caused them to stop or at best slow down. Perhaps these events have caused them to be present in their own lives for the first time in a very long time. I know on more than one occasion I’ve been halted in my tracks to stop and refocus to present time which was a true blessing, but yet at times so difficult to do when you’re so use to going a million miles another.

I’m not sure why we have this need, and possibly it’s just myself, to constantly be on the go, whether for family, work, education, etc. Even taking time for spiritual devotion (prayer) seems to be scheduled amidst all our other doings. Where did this way of thinking come from? This is not to say that I believe we should all be sitting around being unproductive, but maybe more reflective on how we spend our daily time. I think a lot of our daily living is not reflected on more than “this is what I have to do to survive”. Is that entirely true? Could we possibly live a different way and still survive?

Maybe, just maybe, these last couple of years of starting out rather uneventful and eventually progressing into more activity is nature’s way of slowing us down. Maybe it’s God’s way of giving us a gentle nudge to redirect our focus and reprioritize our lives. In any event, I feel blessed to be a part of this planet at this time of life to see the dynamic events unfold before the world as well as experience all the changes happening around us.

How do you feel about the times we are living in?

Time - My Nemesis

"Be mindful of how you approach time. Watching the clock is not the same as watching the sun rise." -- Sophia Bedford-Pierce

Time has been my nemesis this summer, for literally it feels like I’m constantly battling for more of it.

From June until the current date, we have been going non-stop. We’ve had family and friends visiting with no break in between visits to recuperate and recharge for the next round, and I’m definitely starting to feel it. We have one more week until all company leaves and then a 3-day break before Amira starts back to school.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or unappreciative of the visits----not at all. In fact, some of the best memories and unexpected visits I ever expected to have, which was a wonderful delight. I’m just feeling the exhaustion of no down time and irregular routine. Funny that I would even ponder the thoughts of an irregular routine as that’s never been an issue for me before; however, over the last few years I’ve made more of a concerted effort for quiet time at home, so am perhaps feeling the affects of no quiet/recharge time.

I know Amira has been feeling the affects as well as she’s had lower energy charge than usual. Aside from all the visitors, which include lots of activities, sleep loss, and over-stimulation from everything and everyone, she also attended a day camp this summer for the first time. This day camp was close to my work, which was convenient for both of us. Her activities included swimming 2 days a week, a weekly field trip, and a day of games and rock wall climbing. It was an amazing camp and she seemed to thoroughly enjoy herself.
Struggling for time seems so funny to me, and yet it’s the one thing that seems to interrupt the balance of our lives. Well, we are off to a wedding for a friend’s daughter. Until next time, be well. Ramadan Kareem!