When Spirit Moves You

Interesting morning-
One never knows what Spirit/God/Creator/Allah/Jehovah...whatever name you prefer to use, will bring you.

The musing I'm about to share may sound strangely odd, but nonetheless very surreal to me.

I've been seeing the word 'forgive" in various forms recently, and being one who fancies them self of philosophical sayings, I appreciate the wisdom in such phrases.

Taking a moment of solitude this morning, enjoying the gentle calm of the early morn, I find myself pondering on the word forgive and what it means to me on this day, for I'm well aware of what the word means and feel I've done it on various levels throughout my life, but today in particular I feel I'm being called to look at this word again.

As I sit quietly, suddenly I'm presented with a question,,,,,"have you truly forgiven Adam (my ex)?" My first immediate reaction is to say, "yes". However, on a deeper level I'm asked once again, "have you truly forgiven Adam"? The second time I pause before answering, and earnestly walk down memory lane and see where I have 'forgiven' him justifiably. What I mean by justifiably is, in my own way I felt I had forgiven him because I don't talk ill of him, I don't wish him dead, I don't wish harm to come to him, etc. I've also gone so far to say, "it's not my place to judge his wrong choices". However, is that true forgiveness?

As I mulled over these thoughts my ego wanted to justifiably say 'yes', but in truth I don't think I had done so egolessly (new word--like it? lol) This is not to say that I hadn't forgiven him on some level, but today it seemed I needed to forgive him on another level. I realized my forgiveness was based solely on what I thought I was suppose to do in order to move forward in my life. This is not to say I haven't moved forward or evolved, but today was bringing something deeper.

All this is processing through my head when all of a sudden I hear this gentle Spirit ask me, "have you walked a minute in his shoes to understand his reasons for doing what he did? or have you judged his reasons based on what you thought he should have done?" At this pivotal moment I realized I had never once imagined what he must have been going through to make the choices he made. Yes, I knew some of the terrible choices he made that placed himself and potentially Amira and I in some pretty bad situations, but never once had I actually metaphorically put myself in his place. At that very moment I felt what it was to forgive......to do so without prejudice, judgment, or justifications, but to just forgive.

So, where does it go from here? Who knows, who cares.....what I do know is today he and I have been set free....no longer bound to one another due to unforgiveness. 

Between Before and After

How many thought that the time of great awakening, in comparison to the era preceding it, would be a little like the before and after photo’s of a weight loss story: two dramatically different images with one being heavy and sad, the other being light and joyously happy? We’ve all carried some form of ‘before and after’ images in our minds concerning the way we imagined/felt/intuited life would lo...ok 2013 and beyond, however just like the weight loss photo’s, we may not have had any images depicting the amount of time and active steps it takes to get from ‘before’ to ‘after’ – particularly the amount of time and active steps it takes to get a whole humanity from ‘before’ to after’, to get whole systems from ‘before’ to ‘after’ including politics, media, health, education, environment conservation, social welfare, justice, sustainable housing, corporations, finance etc.

The point being to continue striving forward in your daily life, knowing that the process between "before and after" is still in affect. It's like hitting a plateau along the journey of weight-loss. During such a period of time it seems, on the outside (scale, clothes, etc.), NOTHING is changing and we become frustrated and disappointed in the process. However, in reality what is transpiring during this time period is a shift within ourselves thus allowing for the next phase to unfold, (another drop of weight or perhaps inches) which will reveal itself on the outside, showing us our progress. Progress and transformation are truly done from the inside/out.

Knowing what this process (still using the weight-loss scenario as an example) takes for an individual to achieve, can you imagine what it is like for an entire planet of individuals? Overwhelming to assume, for sure. However, just as you continue to strive, achieve and change know you are not alone and that others struggle and cheer at their journey's process as well. I believe the goal here is to be as supportive with yourself during the process as you are with others. For truly, many of us are far gentler, supportive and kind in others' pursuits than we are of our own. Should you be someone who continually gives (in whatever fashion) to others and less to yourself, you may want to evaulate the thoughts/beliefs that you hold onto that tells you, "I'd be selfish if I thought of myself", because you are just as important to the process of change. We must each allow ourselves to balance the scales of giving and receiving to continue the process of transformation.

As we continue down the road of awakening (systems, thoughts, beliefs, ways of doing business that need overhauled) and transformation (evaulating your own thoughts/beliefs, effective changes gradually being made around the world), know we ARE in the process between "before and after".

Annual Holiday Letter

Greetings Family and Friends,

As Amira and I clinked our fluted glasses filled with sparkling apple cider at mid-night on January 1, 2012 we vowed to make the New Year a year of being fancy and adventurous. Little did we know we’d be taking Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride to a whole new level!

Beginning New Year’s Day we took a spontaneous road-trip to Santa Rosa, Ca, to the home of Snoopy’s Ice Rink. We spent a glorious day there along with exploring the Charles Schultz museum.  It was a perfect way to start 2012.

At the end of March, beginning of April we arranged a surprise birthday/family reunion trip to San Diego for my dad. We rented a beautiful home just a few short blocks from the water.  The Brown Clan and the Leboda Clan (Arizona family) had a grand week in southern California.  Memories that will last a lifetime!  Two days before leaving I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my ankle in two places. This however did not stop us from enjoying the last days of San Diego. However, it did take me out of work for more than 6 weeks.

During my hiatus, Clint and I discovered we had an older sister named Terri and met her at the end of May.  In some ways it’s still very surreal yet very natural at the same time.  We’ve certainly enjoyed getting to know one another and spending time together.  Turns out she lives in Arizona. What a small world!  We’ve since introduced her to the Leboda Clan, which has been a great experience as well.

After watching the summer Olympics Amira decided she wanted to try gymnastics. So for the last few months she’s been taking classes once a week. After her second month of classes her teacher approached me about Amira taking a spot on their competitive team of which she is now training for.

In addition to doing gymnastics once a week she opted to play on the school’s volleyball team this year and did really well.  So excited to share these wonderful experiences with her.

For Thanksgiving we spent the extended weekend in Arizona with the entire clan and had an absolute blast.

As of the writing of this Annual Christmas letter (12/16/12), our family has learned that my sister-in-law, Claudia, has Stage 3 cervical cancer.  She and Clint have agreed to take the doctor’s recommendation for treatment, which will be 6 weeks of combined chemotherapy and radiation.  Her first radiation treatment will be December 24, 2012, with a more than likely overnight stay to track her progress. Claudia has said that she appreciates all the outpour of love, prayers and positive support she’s been receiving.  She is choosing to keep herself surrounded with positive people, as she knows this will benefit her more than anything.  We’re in the process of putting something together to keep everyone informed via a web-page. Once this has been done we will gladly pass the word along. (Update 12/25/12: Claudia received her first chemo treatment Sunday, 12/23/12 and her first radiation treatment Monday, 12/24/12. She is doing well and is looking forward to spending the holidays with her family.)

         As you look back over the year, I hope you look with fondness and gratitude. As you look forward, I hope you look with amazement and wonder.  I wish you peace, good health, and lots of love.

Feel the fear and face it anyway

(Disclaimer - as with most of my post they are written from a raw standpoint with little or no editing)

Imagine strolling along life thinking everything in your world is real and known to you. Then imagine a world where you have this unknowing knowledge that your life isn’t completely as real as you’ve imagined it to be.



There were various times throughout my entire life when I had this sense that something was amiss. Imagine as a kid feeling like you were adopted or at best unwanted by your mom. I can remember specifically asking my mom at different ages in my life if I was adopted to which she would admittedly say, “why would you ask that? Of course you’re not adopted”. Although I heard these words there was always something deeper inside me that didn’t entirely believe this. Maybe it was because my mom and I throughout my life had a tumultuous relationship. Some would describe it as a ‘normal’ mother/daughter relationship and maybe that’s true. I loved my mom dearly and wanted nothing more than to please her and make her proud.

I believe we were great friends and could talk about many things, but I would not describe our relationship as one with overly motherly love and physical affection. Really, it wasn’t until nearly the end of my mom’s life that I learned from her own words that she loved me and was so proud of me. She admired my strength and didn’t know how I managed to get through what I’d gotten through. Waiting what seemed like a lifetime to hear such words was bittersweet. In one since I had already formed an opinion of myself based on what I had been told, and to hear those words didn’t seem real to me at the time. On the other hand, I chastised myself for having such ‘negative’ thoughts because after all wasn’t this what I wanted---my mom’s love and approval? I did. I so desperately needed it, and yet my self-sabotaging self, that part of myself that wouldn’t allow me to receive this information, would say, “but why couldn’t she tell me long ago when I needed it?” But the facts remain, I needed it even the moment she told me and yet somehow my wounded self in some ways felt like it was a little too late. Was it? I don’t think so. How many people have wanted to receive such love and confirmation from someone who meant the world to them, only to have them leave this planet and never hear them when they were living. I was blessed.


Why the walk down memory lane? I’m being faced with something that I never thought I’d have to face and a part of me feels a bit miffed that I have to deal with something that was someone else’s decision from soooooo long ago.


Upon returning from a great vacation/dad’s birthday celebration/family reunion with a broken leg, I receive a letter from my aunt (mom’s sister) with an additional letter attached to it. Upon reading my aunt’s letter, I was a bit confused because she was referring to someone I didn’t know.


My dad and I were sitting at my kitchen table when I read the enclosed letter my aunt had sent. The second letter was a letter from my half sister. Yep, you read that correctly, my half sister.

When my mom was 18 or 19 years old, she was engaged, and became pregnant. When she advised her betrothed, he did like so many men, he fled the scene. Without going into so many details, she decided she wanted to give this child a chance at life, so she found an educated family who desired to adopt her child. I’m sure this had to be one of or if not the hardest decision she ever made in her life.

It was agreed upon by all the parties involved to never discuss this situation. However, I can’t help but believe on some levels my mom either questioned her decision or at least mourned the situation as there were certain times during the year where she’d become really melancholy, and when we’d ask her what was wrong she'd tell us, ‘nothing’.

Yesterday was the day. Yesterday was the day Clint and I would walk through a door that would possibly change our world forever. Yesterday was the day Clint and I would make a decision that would ultimately change the lives of our children as well. Our dad was fully behind our decision to face this long family secret. All three of us (Dad, Clint and I) agreed that our half sister, Teri, should know the truth as we knew it, for we all could not imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes looking for her family for almost 30 years. According to the letter I read, she had established a relationship with our Grandma some years back, but was only given snippets of information about us out of respect for my mom.

According to this letter, Teri even knew mom had died a couple of years ago. Although, at this point Clint and I didn’t know how she knew that, we agreed I would initiate contact with her after receiving the letter from our aunt. I can only imagine what she must have felt upon first initial contact, as we were a little nervous and curious as well.


The exchange of emails and information seemed to flow easily between Teri, Clint and I, and then one fateful email came from Teri suggesting she fly to Sacramento to meet us. My first line of defense is to ALWAYS retreat because I wasn’t sure I was ready. Ready for what I’m not sure; I have no doubt all my insecurities and fears were taking over. I even addressed my fears, which I felt so proud for actually verbalizing my fears rather than just ignoring them and feeling like crap inside. Teri shared she was also very scared but excited at the possibility.


Yesterday, Teri was scheduled to fly into Sacramento and informed us where she’d be staying. She invited both Clint and I along with our families, should we choose, to meet her for dinner.


Clint and I agreed we’d go together along with our families. I asked my dad if he wanted to go, and he said that he didn’t……then paused for a second and looked me in the eyes and said, “do you need me to go with you?” I so love this man and his innate sensitivity. I told him I didn’t need him to go, but that I didn’t want him to feel excluded.


Yesterday seemed like a long day filled with too many overflowing emotions and past memories running through the forefront on my mind like the fountain in my backyard……continually running.


Was I afraid to meet Teri? No. Was I afraid we wouldn’t get along? No. Then, what was I afraid of? I was afraid she’d be disappointed in me. I had found out from my own prior research, she was a successful businesswoman, lived in an affluent part of Scottsdale in an enormous size home. Doing what so many of us humans do, I compared it to my own life.


Sitting in my backyard yesterday, where I find so much solitude and peace, I began journaling my thoughts to process the feelings that were causing pain and fear, and as I did, the tears just seemed to flow. At one point, I found Amira next to me hugging me asking me if everything was ok. I immediately collected myself, as parents always feel they have to put on a brave front for their children……silly really, and looked into her angelic face. I told her I was ok, but that I was just processing some feelings. She said, “is it because of meeting your sister?” I told her it was, and then we spent the next thirty minutes or so exchanging our thoughts and feelings about many things. We talked about her nervousness of having to give oral book reports at school and what that feels like for her. I shared that sometimes I don’t feel very good about myself because my mom use to tell me I was fat and ugly, to which she said, “That’s not very nice”. I told her she was right. I then went on to explain to her that the reason I tell her, maybe more than she’d like to hear, how much I love her, how proud I am of her, and how much I think she is beautiful and amazing is because I didn’t hear these words much, and certainly not all of them, when I was growing up. At the end of our conversation, she hugged me and told me, “don’t worry I’ll be there with you today”, which spilled more tears but in a good way.


We both spent extra time primping and pampering ourselves to get ready for our meeting with Teri as the email had came she was in town.


We drove to our designated location and met Clint, Claudia and Anthony. On the way, as I had been most of the day, I prayed for God’s presence to be with all of us on this journey, as well as mom's presence. So began the final steps of life, as we knew it. We reached the door, and all insisted Clint go first. He knocked and backed up towards us. The door opened, and a beautiful tall blonde with a welcoming smile greeted us…………it was like looking in a mirror with the exception of her slender stature. We each took turns walking forward and embracing her. None of us cried, as we each shared later we thought we would. For the next 5 hours we spent sharing stories and laughing. It seemed to flow effortlessly. She kept staring at me and saying, “oh my God, it’s like looking in a mirror seeing you”. She joked that over her lifetime people would ask her, “do you have a sister, to which she would say I sure do and she looks just like me, I just don’t know where she is”. She told us she had a 10-year relationship with our grandma. She described grandma’s house in exact detail. She said the very first time grandma showed her Clint and I’s picture she couldn’t take her eyes off them. She couldn’t believe she was looking at someone that looked like her. She described exchanging phone calls, letters, holiday cards and such with grandma over all these years. Clint and I were shocked because our grandma never had that type of relationship with us. Grandma had that type of relationship with my aunt and her family, but not us.


The evening ended, as we had to get our kids home and ready for school the next day. We all hugged and agreed to meet again today. She hugged me one last time and whispered in my ear, “You make me feel like I can breath”.

I received an email from her this morning saying, “Thank you for yesterday. I love you already.”

Processing Random Raw Thoughts

Why do I remain so closed off? Or why do I remain so strong as to not ask for assistance? For some, asking for assistance does not seem to be such a struggle, so why do I?

Fear of being weak?

Fear of bothering someone with my troubles?

These two also keep me from being approachable.  Meaning: giving the impression to others that I don’t need anyone.

Fear is one’s pride or ego, not their heart or true essence.  One’s heart or true essence doesn’t reflect such thoughts, feelings or images to the world.

How does one open up?  How does one also attract someone with a willingness to have his or her heart open too? (Again, random raw thoughts--the answers are seemingly obvious.)

I could probably be a Mensa Member, yet I lack the fortitude to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to open up to attract a partner.  Letting go of any kind of fear has to be the most challenging thing on earth.

I understand the reason, logic and even psychology behind it and even counsel my clients on it, and yet it remains my biggest obstacle in life.

Fear limits all reason and logic.  Even knowing isn’t enough to do anything…..one’s choice to take action is what is required…….feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

There are so many of us that I hear say (self included), “I never want to hurt anyone” or “it would kill me if I hurt someone”, yet in the process we never realize or acknowledge we are sometimes sacrificing ourselves in the process which is ultimately hurting us.  Somehow in our justified reasoning we say, “I’d rather hurt myself than someone else” or “I’d rather take their pain for them so they don’t have to go through that”. Why? Why do we choose to do that?  It’s as if somehow we are being self-less.  Are we?  Is this really being self-less or are we just being self-sabotaging along the way for the sake of others?

In the end, isn’t it their pain they have to deal with or not? 

I don’t think the majority of us intentionally plan to hurt someone, but somehow we do because we don’t take ownership of our own hurts and pains.  We don’t learn to process them, and therefore end up projecting them onto others, thus creating a vicious cycle.

This is not about brow beating one’s self for not acknowledging the obvious; this is a gentle reminder of what one needs to be consciously be aware of in order to change the cycle----should one desire something different.

Finally Exhaled

With 2012 starting off like a sprinting race it has been non-stop go, go, go. The anticipation of the “new” to come and the many plans put in place for at least the first half of this year, it seems today (21 days into the New Year), I decided to exhale. Until this morning when I woke myself up with tears running down my cheeks, I realized I had been holding my breath this whole time. I suppose having this feeling of having so much to do (all good and desirable things), and the anticipation of how to manage it all, just momentarily took my breath away.

It’s funny in life how some times, for example, you have no idea you’re even holding your breath until that exact moment of exhale.

I suppose if I was to narrow things down and put a finger on the exact thing that caused me to hold my breath, I’d have to say it’s ‘change’. I can feel change of some kind in the air, and like most people change can be challenging. For me, if I’m honest with myself, I think I love the sense of ‘safeness’ in known routine. I love the since of ‘security’ in predictability. Mind you, I realize these terms of safeness and security are all just relative since change is inevitable, but nonetheless there’s that sense that gives us comfort.

Even if one’s existing circumstances are not as desirable as one would like, there’s still that sense of predictability that seem more tolerable than ‘unknown’ change.

On the other hand, preparing for a significant life altering change (wedding, career, family addition, purchasing a home, etc.) can be both exhilarating and somewhat terrifying all at the same time.

It seems once one goes through some kind of change or transition in their life, things eventually work themselves back into a state of predictability and calm, which is somehow comforting.

In my situation, it’s perhaps that not knowing at the moment what the change is, but rather just a ‘feeling’ of a life altering change is about to happen, which probably explains the unnoticeable breath holding I’ve been doing until this morning.

Here’s to remembering to breath. :0)

Amira's First of Many Experiences

A week ago, Friday, Amira’s school had their annual Harvest Festival, which consist of food, crafts, community gathering and this year a talent show.

About a month prior to the Harvest Festival, Amira came home from school and announced that she wanted to sign up with one of her classmates for the talent show. Internally I was shocked because of her severe shyness, but externally I showered her with encouragement and support. She shared they were going to do a scene from Alice In Wonderland Jr., the musical. All new to me, but was excited for her nonetheless for her adventurous nature. She practiced everyday when she had free time.

A week prior to the Harvest Festival she even took her backpack to school with a few dresses and shoes to show her friend so they could decide what they were going to wear for their play.

The day of the Harvest Festival, Amira packed her backpack with all her wears and went off to school. At 4:30 that evening my dad and I arrived to greet Amira and assist with any last minute preparations for the big show. We also ran into her little friend that was equally as excited, nervous and ready to go.

Beings this was the school’s first year at having a talent show at the Harvest Festival, it was a bit unorganized leaving families uncertain as to where, when and what time the show was suppose to take place.

Like sheep we followed a flock to a classroom where we all gathered for the big event. You could clearly tell Amira was nervous but wanted to play it ‘cool’ around the other kids. The program directory was passed out and the talent show attendees where asked to sit up front. Amira’s little friend was still not in the room when the talent show began, which added greatly to Amira’s nervousness.

Amira’s name was finally called to step up, to which she did, but to tell the director that her friend was not here yet. Ugh! She returned to her seat and anxiously awaited her friend’s arrival.

A few acts later and her friend finally arrives. Amira runs back up to the director of the program and advises her that her friend has arrived, so they let the two of them go to center stage with a microphone in Amira’s hand. The room is silent and still. The two girls look out at the crowd, then look at one another. Amira’s eyes begin to wail up and she puts her hand around her throat. Her friend’s eyes are like a deer looking in headlights – wide as can be. They just stand there. Finally the director whispers to them, “it’s ok, you can sit down”. The two girls walk off the staging area. Everyone claps.

We make it through the remainder of the talent show, then Amira comes up to me barely holding back from crying and I grab her hand. She doesn’t not want much comforting as she’s seconds away from losing it and doesn’t want to do it in front of everyone.

We make our way to the car. Once inside we both start bawling like babies. I feel so horrible for how she’s feeling. She’s embarrassed and can’t stop crying. She wants to just go home. We held hands all the way home, and talked about the show. I shared with her how proud of her I was, and how proud others were of her for taking such a big step, as they know how shy she is. She tells me that when she looked out at the audience she was surprised how many people were there, and that Patrick’s advice (from Spongebob) of visualizing people in their underwear did not help AT ALL. I shared with her my experience of having to say or do something in front of people and how it made me feel. Hearing this seemed to help calm her nerves.

When we got home I asked if she wanted to share some hot tea together and she said that she did. As I was preparing the tea she decided to get this book she gave me last year which was a book of Maxine quotes (see below the first page of the book she turned too).

When I brought her a cup of tea, I found her crying again. I asked what happened and she said she got the “Maxine” book out as she thought it would cheer her up, but instead she said, “I opened the very first page and this is what I saw”.

Maxine can be so cold sometimes. LOL

Movement

For the last couple of years it seems like we’ve been experiencing a pattern. Or perhaps it’s just that I’ve become more aware of time. In any event, during the last couple of years, each year starts out rather uneventful then around the middle of the year things really start to pick up speed. Certainly this year has been no exception. Although the world on a hold has been extremely active, it seems these activities have in some ways caused us all to stop or at best slow down. For certainly this year has been a show stopper on many fronts with the global economy dangling by a thread, tsunami in Japan, the unemployment situation in the U.S. (not to be elevated above any other countries unemployment situation—just it’s in my own back yard, so to speak), and the uprising/uprooting taking place in northern Africa to name a few. Needless to say someone, somewhere has been affected by these global events, which has caused them to stop or at best slow down. Perhaps these events have caused them to be present in their own lives for the first time in a very long time. I know on more than one occasion I’ve been halted in my tracks to stop and refocus to present time which was a true blessing, but yet at times so difficult to do when you’re so use to going a million miles another.

I’m not sure why we have this need, and possibly it’s just myself, to constantly be on the go, whether for family, work, education, etc. Even taking time for spiritual devotion (prayer) seems to be scheduled amidst all our other doings. Where did this way of thinking come from? This is not to say that I believe we should all be sitting around being unproductive, but maybe more reflective on how we spend our daily time. I think a lot of our daily living is not reflected on more than “this is what I have to do to survive”. Is that entirely true? Could we possibly live a different way and still survive?

Maybe, just maybe, these last couple of years of starting out rather uneventful and eventually progressing into more activity is nature’s way of slowing us down. Maybe it’s God’s way of giving us a gentle nudge to redirect our focus and reprioritize our lives. In any event, I feel blessed to be a part of this planet at this time of life to see the dynamic events unfold before the world as well as experience all the changes happening around us.

How do you feel about the times we are living in?

Processing of frustration

I find myself as of late feeling a bit frustrated. For some reason, logic doesn't always seem to be the first line of response when processing emotions.

About 3 weeks ago my clinic unexpectedly closed. We were given no notice, as from what I could gather the owners of the clinic were attempting until the last minute negotations with our building landlord which turned fruitless in the end. The landlord of our building is in Bankruptcy proceedings and his assets and properties are now under the control of a Federal Bankruptcy Trustee. The lease of our building came up for lease renewal and the Federal Bankruptcy Trustee denied our renewal. Very frustrating! The owners of our clinic offered to pay our lease rent for 3 or 4 months in advance in order for us to stay operational until our clinic could relocate to another location as the owners had already put the wheels in motion for aquiring another space, but again we were denied. This left quite a number of us instantly out of work, which of course is not a surprise or new news to anyone.........accept for those of us immediately affected by the situation.

In the meantime, the owners of our clinic also have a sister clinic further north.......it's a slower and smaller clinic. They offered us to work out of their sister clinic until they were able to get the other clinic relocated and operable. Due to the distance this sister clinic is from my home, I am only reasonably able to work 2 days a week there, which of course affects my income greatly.

I have been searching for alternative work as well as considering alternative methods of starting my own practice incorporating my skills. At the end of the day, what this frustration comes down too is a lack of financial resources. I have knowledge, skills and even a degree which is quite an accomplishment, but it seems without funds one is very limited.

Perhaps it is naivee to say that this current situation was brought about as an opportunity to catch my attention to do something different. From a spiritual standpoint, it has always been my experience and perhaps belief that when a door suddenly closes in your life, it's a sign that a new one is preparing to open and to be looking for that opening. It's within that timeframe (between the closing of one door and opening of another) I find myself. It's that timeframe of uncertainty that I allow myself to get frustrated. I want to know the answer. I want to know where the next door is going to open. I want to know when the next door is going to open. I don't know that I necessarily want to know how it will open as I leave the how part up to the Creator. Funny little side note about human behavior as much as many of us proclaim, profess and even believe in a Creator of the Universe....something higher than ourselves.....often referred to as Allah/God/Jehovah/Bhagwaan we seem to struggle most with the idea of completely surrendering to the unknown. Which, again, would express best how and why I am feeling the way I am right this moment. Thankfully moments don't last forever, but at times they feel that way.

I realize its the sitting through the in between times one must still them self to listen, see and hear answers, but at this very moment I'm not doing very well at any of those things.

Put the Glass Down!

The professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water init. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, "How much do you think this glass weighs?"

"50gms!".....100gms!".....125gms"... the students answered.

"I really don't know unless I weigh it," said the professor, " but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?"

"Nothing," the students said.

"Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?" the professor asked.

"Your arm would begin to ache," said one of the students.

"You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?"

"Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!" ventured another student and all the students laughed.

"Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?"asked the professor.

"No," was the answer.

"Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?"

The students were puzzled.

"What should I do now to come out of pain?" asked the professor again.

"Put the glass down!" said one of the students.

"Exactly!" said the professor.

Life's problems are something like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head and they seem OK. Think of them for a long time and they begin to ache. Hold it even longer and they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything. It's important to think of the challenges or problems in your life, But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT is to'PUT THEM DOWN' at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh and strong and you can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!

So,when you finish your day today, remember to PUT THE GLASS DOWN!

One of my clients has written a book entitled Radically Spiritual Adventures Everyday. He came in one day for treatment excited to share his book had just hit the print and showed it to me. Of course, excited for him and his partner I was the first to purchase it.

When time allows I’ve been gradually reading through this delightful book that seems to confirm and resonate well my own beliefs.

Today I was reading a chapter entitled Accepting Life on Life’s Terms – A Really Radical Spiritual Adventure, and in this chapter was an excerpt of a story called The Road of Life by an unknown author. It was such a nice excerpt that I thought I’d share.

“At first it seemed to me as thought life were rather like riding on a tandem bike with God in the back helping me pedal. I was in control. I knew the way. Life was rather boring, but it was predictable. I always made sure we took the shortest distance between two points. I don’t remember exactly when it was that God suggested we change places, but I can tell you life has not been the same since.

When God took over the lead, we stopped taking shortcuts. He, in fact, started taking us on unexpected long cuts, up mountains and through rocky places at breakneck speeds. It was all I could do to hang on. Even though it looked to me like madness, He just said, ‘Keep pedaling’! I was anxious and worried and I asked, ‘Where are you taking me’? He just laughed and didn’t answer….and I had to learn how to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. When I’d say I was scared, He’d lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They were gifts to take on my journey, my God’s and mine!

When we were off again, God said, ‘Give the gifts away; they are extra baggage, too much weight.’ So I did, to people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light. I did not trust Him at first to be in control of my life. I thought He’d wreck it, but I’ve discovered He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks and fly to shorten rough passages.

I’ve learned to shut up and just pedal. Even in the strangest places our adventure takes us, I’m beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face as my travel guide, God, leads the way. Now and then, when I think I know which road is best or which way we should go, He just smiles and says….’Keep pedaling’.”

School of Life

Dad is home and recovering nicely. He went for a walk yesterday-delighted to start doing it again. He's determined to live life as he believes he still has much to do and see. What I learned from this whole experience was that until that moment he came out of surgery I'd been merely existing since my mom passed---not really living. I believe this is also true for my dad and brother. Here's to learning how to live!

Michael Bernard Beckwith--Your life began in the heart and mind of the Infinite. Mentally relive the days when as a child you ran free, when there were infinite possibilities of what you could feel, accomplish, and see in the world. Allow for the energy of your remembered freedom to thunder through you, and you will free yourself from the false obstacles your adult life has put in your path.

Thought for the day

As we go through our daily lives and thoughts, it's amazing when we come across something which causes us to stop and be fully present. Love those moments filled with messages to remind us to be grateful no matter what.

"All of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today."
- Dale Carnegie

Christmas 2009

What can one say about Christmas 2009-----aside for being grateful it's now over. Cynical, huh? In all honesty, the day was nice but was definitely different. Unlike last year, being the first year without my mom, which seemed rather surreal and numbing to say the least, it seemed emptier. We (dad, brother, and I) muttered through the holidays as if they were just another day----days we wanted to pass as quickly as possible for we didn't want to be reminded that she wasn't with us. Certainly with the passing of time the onslaught of uncontrollable tears has subsided slightly but the loss still remains the same.

On Christmas Eve the entire family went to a church service then over to my dad's for a lovely dinner. He's quite the gourmet. :-) The evening and time spent together was very nice.

Christmas day my dad came over to our house to watch Amira open her presents, have breakfast, as well as taking a nice long walk around the neighborhood. Then later we went to my brother's for dinner.

So, what made this holiday season seem any different?

Normally, the first person awake on Christmas day would call out "Christmas gift" which would then cause everyone else to wake up and gather around the tree. The caller of “Christmas gift” was also entitled to open the first gift. Even over the years when my brother and I had our own homes it would be a race to see who called whom first on the phone and shout "Christmas gift". Also, Christmas was always spent at my parents’ house. My mom loved the holiday so much that her excitement became infectious to all of us. She'd decorate her house with such care and enthusiasm. She’d also bake endless mounds of cookies and fudge to hand out to everyone she knew as well as have available for anyone that happened to stop by.

My dad and I are somewhat perceived as the bah-hum-bugs in the family because we don't get all into the hype of Christmas. However, this does not mean we do not have an appreciation for such excitement. Me and his idea of Christmas is getting together as a family, having a nice day and spending time together without all the commercialism. But, if left to our way of thinking it would feel rather lacking in festivity. Thank goodness my brother and his wife continue the celebratory fashion.

Anyway, unlike last year---feeling numb and surreal----this year felt different. It was as if a light bulb went off in my head and the realization of "nothing will ever feel the same as before" forged through my head.

It was certainly fun to see Amira's jubilation and feel her energetic gusto towards seeing everything and opening everything, but it just didn't feel the same.

I realize I'm still in the throws of processing these emotions. I realize I have the power to make the celebration happen anyway I wish, but for the moment I'm just mourning the loss of what "always had been". I miss my mom so much, and don't talk about it much because I don't wish to put that on Amira, and since she's with me nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week I don't get an opportunity to express these feelings much. I would be fooling myself as well if I thought the loss didn't haunt her at times as well, for as we were going to bed Christmas night she said to me in a saddened low tone, "when can we see Grandma---I miss her". I asked her if that's where she wanted to go in her dreams was to see Grandma, she said that she'd like for both us too. Thank goodness the lights were out because I didn't want her to see my tears.

Thanks for allowing me to process in writing what I can’t at times verbalize.

Lesson in Economics

Well Amira had her first lesson in economics today. Today I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall and look around as we had been home all weekend long. She thought it would be fun to go look around. I told her there was a Hello Kitty store and her eyes lit up. I told her that she could bring some of her money if she wanted as she may find something she wanted to buy.

So, off to Hello Kitty we went. We spent about 45 minutes to an hour meandering through the entire store which incidentally isn't very large but packed with lots of stuff. She looked, touched and ewwwed over everything she could reach in the store. I just patiently followed her around and watched as she shopped. She finally made a decision on something she wanted. I told her the price of the toy and she said, "ok". Of course, I realize she knows numbers and what currency is because that's what they are learning in school; however, I also knew they hadn't actually learned the lesson that goes along with spending and earning money in reality so thought today was as good as any to learn.

We walked up to the cashier and she placed her item on the counter. The lady rang it up and told her it was $15.23. Amira reached into her Tinker Bell purse and pulled out her Tinker Bell money wallet. I told her it meant she had to give the lady the three $5s in her wallet which she pulled out. I told her then she needed to give her three pennies and two dimes. Her face was starting to droop a little. We gave the lady the money and she quickly handed us the receipt and told us to have a nice day. Obviously, this young girl didn't understand that this was Amira's first real purchase so it wasn't important to make it a big deal----or treat it like any other transaction. Anyway, she handed Amira her bag and Amira took it sadly looking down. As we walked slowly away I asked her what was wrong, and she said "I don't like this Hello Kitty". I asked why she didn't and she said, "because now I don't have my $5s anymore". I told her we could take the toy back and get her money back if she wanted too, and she said, "no".

It broke my heart to see her sad, but with a passing of a couple of hours since that purchase Hello Kitty is snug as a bug in a rug in our home and feeling very loved. :-)

Profound Reminder

I received this from a friend and thought I'd pass it along.

Think before you speak

Had an interesting interesting conversation/topic come up recently. One that most would like to perhaps avoid or a best critize severely without really thinking about the situation before responding. Teen pregnancy!

What would you do if you found out that a teen age family member was 8 1/2 months pregnant and until that very moment you had absolutely no idea? I'm not talking about a family member that you don't see on a regular basis. No, I'm talking about a family member that lives under your own roof or a family member that you see very regularly.

There are no outward appearances of any physical change, no mood changes, no eating changes, no sleeping changes, or no changes with academic achievements. And suddenly one family member is the "lucky" family member to learn of this impending birth with very little time to react let alone perhaps make a rational decision on what to do as they are still in shock from the sudden announcement.

If you were presented with such a situation.....for the sake of conversation just hypothetically imagine.......how would you respond? What would be the option(s) (i.e., get the teen to the doctors, tell other family members, keep the child, adopt the child out, etc.)? Keeping in mind that eventhough you are perhaps realing from the sudden shock of the news, there's a teen that has been feeling terrified the entire pregnancy by keeping her silence.

Coexist

The word coexist in of itself sounds so lovely and wonderful and yet seems to be one of the most difficult things for us humans to accomplish on this planet. Why is that?

I've heard and read so many things indicating how different the east and the west are from one another, yet I never seem to see any definitives on this subject matter….more vague than concrete. Moreover, it seems whenever there is an expounding on this subject matter its more about the differences rather than the similarities. I wonder, just wonder, if we discussed and shared our similarities if we wouldn’t discover how much we are alike rather than not.

Part of the equation that seems to be so finely intertwined and at times difficult to tell the difference is cultural upbringing and religious teachings, and I think this causes confusion.

For the sake of discussion, please share what you feel are the similarities based on your experience or knowledge between the east and the west.

Cherokee Parable

An old Cherokee was teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

This and That

Wow, I had not realized how long it had been since last posting. More importantly I wonder what on earth I could have been doing to distract me. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm~

Anyway, one of my cousins came out last week to spend time with us and we had a wonderful time. One day we spent in San Francisco and the remainder of the time was pretty much just spent together enjoying one another's company. He was a great support to all of us and very understanding of our moment-to-moment breakdowns we'd occasional experience.

My father is doing remarkably well and trying to keep his life structured and busy with things to do, but he's not denying himself those moments when tears come.

I believe I am finally allowing myself to feel the affects of my mom not being here. I finally felt it was safe to do so since my family seems to be doing well. Last Wednesday I was hoping to have a moment to myself to allow my tears to flow without Amira around, but unfortunately this was not the case. My father had been watching her throughout the day while I was at work and called me and asked me to get her when I finished work, as he had to do something. I had been hoping during the moment I got off work and the time I got to his house I could have had a moment to myself to let go, but it did not work this way. I went to get Amira and took her with me to the only place I could think to go and let down. I went to the cemetery. All the way there I just prayed for God to help me get through this moment and to help me with Amira as I didn't know what to do or say, I just knew I needed to be there. When we got to the cemetery Amira and I got out of the car and sat on a little curb close to where my mom rests. I never told Amira where she was or anything like that as I didn't want to disturb her thoughts. As we sat on the curb in silence I tilted my head down and just let the tears begin to fall freely. When the stream of tears began to slow I heard Amira ask me "where are we?” Then I heard the words come from my mouth but had no idea where they came from, "we are at a peaceful place that allows you to think and feel peaceful". She looked around at the beautiful garden scenery with all the trees, flowers, and grass and agreed it was nice.

During this moment of being here and speaking out I felt something very unnerving. I felt to a degree the veil of my existence had been lifted if just for a moment. For at the very moment the tears were uncontrollably releasing I heard myself say to my mom, "wow mom, now you see me for who I really am..........I can no longer hide myself from you. For although all these years I've put a mask of bravery and strength on in front of your physical form, I am no longer able to do that in front of your spiritual form". Although feeling somewhat ashamed of this sudden knowledge, there was also a sense of freedom associated with it. I no longer felt I had to hide who I really was to her. Hopefully she's the one person that will now understand me completely. The one that will realize I'm not always strong and the one that will know I don't always want to be alone dealing with my feelings. Of course I know God is the ultimate one that knows all of these things, however, there is something oddly comforting in knowing this about someone you've loved who has moved on......probably because we've actually seen them before, thouched them, smelt them.......all the senses that tells us they are real. Whatever "real" is......ok, ok enough philosophy.

We were only there in all actuality a very short time, so once loaded back into the car and driving off to my dad's, Amira announces she found a couple of really nice little rocks at the "peaceful place" and decided to take them to Grandpa's to show him.

Towards the end of the week, I discovered my brother who had been clean and sober for the last three years started using drugs again. This was so disheartening. I wanted to believe so badly that it was not true as he had done such a great turn around with his life, and his family was healing so beautifully, but the facts could not be ignored.

The feelings of resentment towards him arouse once again, along with the feelings of sorrow towards his family all re-awakened, and the feelings of protection towards my father once again in high alert. The feelings that still run through my veins over this is very disturbing and I know I must gain control over them, but I feel most distraught over the fact that we must now confront this head on rather than wait. I suppose there's a part of me that's angry over the fact that I just started to feel the numbness of my mom's loss melting away, thus allowing me to deal with them and now they have to once again be stuffed aside because of my brother. The only thing to do at this point is take it to prayer, which seems to always reveal the right way to deal with any situation, and have a meeting with my brother and his wife next week.

That poor family has been through so much that I truly hate to see them go backwards. I think going backwards is a comfortable way of dealing with a difficult situation because it's what's familiar and they know if works as a masks since they don't know what else to do. However, I hope they are open to suggestions of other solutions that will help them through these difficult times without negative side affects. As truly I would hate to see my brother lose his family, home or career as a result of going back to an old habit that nearly costs him all those things not long ago.