Life – Playing A Game of Chess with the Creator of the Game

Over the last 24 hours Amira and I have experienced something very unchartered for either one of us.  Amira told me last night she wanted to send an email to her father, and could I please give her the email address.  Handling just this initial request alone would determine a number of things, including how our relationship would go from here forward.  All of my inner fears, over protective need to want to keep the past in the past were now facing me, and how would I handle it?  No matter how much logically you understand things it never prepares you for the reality of the situation until you are facing it right in the eye.  Even knowing the loss of a loved one after a slow painful death finally occurs, you are still not prepared for how you will feel and react at that very moment, even though all along you felt you had been preparing yourself for when the inevitable would happen.

I gave Amira the email address and gave you space to write her email.  You could definitely feel the tension and uncomfortableness in the room, both hers and mine.  I literally felt helpless at the moment….not knowing if what I was allowing was the right choice or not, and subsequently I felt tears well in my eyes.  She asked why I was crying and I told her I wanted her to know this was uncharted waters we were entering into and that no matter what she and I are a team and we’d get through this.  She asked if I was mad she wanted to contact him, to which I responded I wasn’t.  I asked her how she felt about her decision,  to which she said she’s been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and feels this sense of urgency around it…….like it needs to be now before it’s too late.  I asked why she felt this sense of urgency or that only now was the time, and she said she didn't know.

As we sat quiet on and off over what seemed like hours, during the still quiet moments I felt like I was being shown a chess board with players on the board.  I felt like the Creator of the Game was with me while I was looking at this board because this very small quiet voice inside me asked to take a step back from the situation and just look at everything for a moment before making my next move.  At that very moment I felt like I was being told this is how life works; it’s a game of chess.  Every situation in our lives is a move on the board.  There isn't necessarily punishment involved when we play a move wrong or anything like that, but rather an opportunity to improve our game.  Yes, we could continue playing the same way we've always played, and guaranteed losing far more than winning from that vantage point, but by taking our time, leaning back and looking at the table, perhaps even at a different angle, we can see a better move.

As Amira and I are the ones currently playing this round, I feel the Creator of the game’s presence and feel I should take some extra care in how I play my next move, and ask myself if I’m doing it from my own ego self or am I really doing what’s right for the whole situation.  No doubt I’m human and will not play the game right as I’m not finished mastering the game, but in this instance as painfully tough as it is I will support her decision to make contact.  I told Amira no matter what we’d work through this together. 

May the Creator of this baffling game stay with us a bit longer and give us some continued guidance…..would greatly appreciate it.

When Spirit Moves You

Interesting morning-
One never knows what Spirit/God/Creator/Allah/Jehovah...whatever name you prefer to use, will bring you.

The musing I'm about to share may sound strangely odd, but nonetheless very surreal to me.

I've been seeing the word 'forgive" in various forms recently, and being one who fancies them self of philosophical sayings, I appreciate the wisdom in such phrases.

Taking a moment of solitude this morning, enjoying the gentle calm of the early morn, I find myself pondering on the word forgive and what it means to me on this day, for I'm well aware of what the word means and feel I've done it on various levels throughout my life, but today in particular I feel I'm being called to look at this word again.

As I sit quietly, suddenly I'm presented with a question,,,,,"have you truly forgiven Adam (my ex)?" My first immediate reaction is to say, "yes". However, on a deeper level I'm asked once again, "have you truly forgiven Adam"? The second time I pause before answering, and earnestly walk down memory lane and see where I have 'forgiven' him justifiably. What I mean by justifiably is, in my own way I felt I had forgiven him because I don't talk ill of him, I don't wish him dead, I don't wish harm to come to him, etc. I've also gone so far to say, "it's not my place to judge his wrong choices". However, is that true forgiveness?

As I mulled over these thoughts my ego wanted to justifiably say 'yes', but in truth I don't think I had done so egolessly (new word--like it? lol) This is not to say that I hadn't forgiven him on some level, but today it seemed I needed to forgive him on another level. I realized my forgiveness was based solely on what I thought I was suppose to do in order to move forward in my life. This is not to say I haven't moved forward or evolved, but today was bringing something deeper.

All this is processing through my head when all of a sudden I hear this gentle Spirit ask me, "have you walked a minute in his shoes to understand his reasons for doing what he did? or have you judged his reasons based on what you thought he should have done?" At this pivotal moment I realized I had never once imagined what he must have been going through to make the choices he made. Yes, I knew some of the terrible choices he made that placed himself and potentially Amira and I in some pretty bad situations, but never once had I actually metaphorically put myself in his place. At that very moment I felt what it was to forgive......to do so without prejudice, judgment, or justifications, but to just forgive.

So, where does it go from here? Who knows, who cares.....what I do know is today he and I have been set free....no longer bound to one another due to unforgiveness. 

2013 - Looking back

Greetings,

For us, 2013 started out a bit subdued as we (entire family) were in the throws of supporting Claudia (sister-in-law) through very aggressive forms of chemo/radiation treatments against cervical cancer. Her braveness and strength during the whole process will forevermore be remembered and revered greatly. She was, is and will always be, in my book, amazing. As of November 2013 Claudia’s doctors have told her they are amazed at her progress and that she is clear.

In late February we traveled to southern California as our Aunt Judy passed, which coupled together with Claudia fighting against something so aggressive, resulted in some very reflective moments. Humbling time period for sure.

On a lighter note, Amira and I delved into our perspective sports (gymnastics and belly dance) and had a great year doing so. Amira competed in three gymnastic competitions, resulting in winning the All-Round trophy for each competition. She competes in floor, vault, bars, and beam. She says her favorite is bars. She is absolutely amazing to watch, such poise, grace, elegance and strength. To see her so focused and disciplined is definitely motivating. As of the writing of this newsletter, Amira has been asked to try out for the competitive team and hopes to begin training in January.

During this last year, I had the pleasure of performing at 6 different local belly dance events, with some of the most influential and supportive women I’ve been blessed to have in my life.

Along with our physical activities, we traveled a bit. During Amira’s spring break she and I took a mother/daughter overnight trip to San Francisco. We walked around the labyrinths at Grace Cathedral, wandered around Chinatown, absorbed the sights and sounds of the Japanese Tea Gardens, and drifted through Golden Gate Park as well as the Pacific Heights district of San Francisco. We had a glorious time.

At the end of Amira’s spring break, dad returned from wintering in Arizona, and we finished off her break along with celebrating his return by spending a couple of days in Monterey.

In July I conducted my first group class, which consisted of conducting a live demonstration on releasing old baggage (emotions). It was a thrilling event, and one I hope to build from in the future. My intention for 2014 is to continue to blend counseling/coaching with massage as well as conduct workshops/classes to empower others.

At the end of summer, Dad, Amira and I took a weekend trip to Ferndale, which is located on the top northern coast of California. The drive was gloriously beautiful and the weekend of exploring the redwoods was magical.

In November my friend Dawn assisted me with my 3rd annual massage fundraiser event, which this year’s charity was for Courage Worldwide. It’s an organization that helps girls who have been sex trafficked. Courage Worldwide has a recovery house in Loomis, which is the chapter we supported. Because of the outpour of support from others as well as my desire to assist in the empowerment of women, this particular charity will be one I continually support.

This year, 2013, for many has been a year like no other. Globally we’ve witnessed some unbelievable events that will forever change the world, as we know it. Locally, our own homeland, we’ve witnessed some shocking, life altering events that will forever change the world, as we know it. Personally, specific to each individual, we’ve had unexpected changes (relationships, living environment, careers, etc.), experienced a plethora of physical and emotional disentanglements (learning to re-open our heart and feel), highs and lows of physical energy which will forever change the world as we know it, and yet through it all we have somehow remained in tack. How utterly amazing is that!

As we prepare for 2014 may we enter it with wonder, hope, and an open heart.

With so much love

Becoming the thing you fear - sucks

I woke this morning with this unsubtleness to break down and cry. Having an overwhelming feeling of ‘fatness’; a distinct feeling of disgust for my body that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Body aching terribly---jaw hurts, back of head near base of neck throbbing, joints are stiff, stomach hurts to bend over, and everything about my body feels stiff and bloated. Doing too much dancing on my toes and calves begin to cramp, and the tears slowly release. God help me, please.


For the longest time now I’ve lived in denial about my body.

When I was younger, I heard a repeated line, “your face is so pretty, and if you’d lose weight you’d be perfect”.

For years, I starved myself, became bulimic, and even physically hurt myself for being ‘fat’.

I tried every diet in the book---tried pills, different programs as well as doctors in an attempt to not be fat. I exercised 5 to 6 days a week. Pushed myself physically and mentally to not be fat.

I was a girl with a big butt and thick thighs and a waistline that was tiny in comparison. Hated everything about me from my waist down.

As the years went by I gave up having a scale in my house. I gave up feeling bad about food. Gave up counting fat, counting calories, counting carbs, counting glasses of water, counting protein…………counting of any kind.

I had a child over 10 years ago and have pretty much devoted my life to raising her. Every now and then I would get a ‘negative’ thought about food and/or my body and quickly push it away, telling myself to ‘feel’ better.

I now realize that over time I’ve traded my obsession with not being skinny to complete and utter ‘ignore’ with regards to all things associated with my body. It’s really no wonder I have no idea who the person is when I see pictures of myself.

I feel I’ve lost the battle of what I feared most being---fat, and have become that very thing---fat.

Yes, psychologically, I absolutely get it if someone else presents this to me, and I know what to do, but as of this moment I’m sitting before the individual (me), who just happened to have an Aw-Ha moment and feels like shit for realizing what she’s become.

It would be so wonderful to believe we could out smart ourselves, but truth be told---we can’t.

As we continue to be cracked wide open this year, with absolutely everything on the table---free from any hidden spots---I realize I must be with it all and FEEL....letting the reality that is be my release. As much as it absolutely SUCKS, it must be done.

Newest Member to Blogging

Greetings All,
I'd like to introduce the newest member to the Blogging community---my daughter, Amira.
http://talesbyamira.blogspot.com/2013/11/introduction.html

Amazing times we are living

Once again the flow of powerful fluctuating energy leaves me bewildered and filled with awe at the same time.  One minute feeling extremely fatigued, feverish, sinus congestion, and listless, and the next minute feeling like a live electrical wire, having so much energy that my body can barely contain itself.  Literally experiencing these two extremes in a matter of a couple of days. Craziness!

With this highly electrical energy wave surging through, our senses are definitely heightened, almost to the point of feeling painful.  Sounds and pitches of peoples’ voices can be a bit much as if those you are around have multiplied 10 fold.

One day feeling constricted or small and the next day feeling complete and utter expansion as if you are larger than life.  Did I mention CRAZINESS!

As many times as I’ve experienced this unexplainable, magnificent energy of contract and expand during 2013, I’m still bewildered by its appearance.  Perhaps it’s the subtleness, the unexpected timing, the extreme polarities of highs and lows, the physical impact felt in our physical bodies long after our brains have processed the extremes, and yet magnificently through it all we remain.

So many facets of our existence are being altered on an unbelievably fast track.  Think about it for just a second.  During this year alone, collectively/globally/universally (it can not be expressed enough that what is happening to you as an individual is happening AROUND THE WORLD as well) we’ve purged more of our emotional baggage (we see this in our social medias, mainstream media, and in our own circle of people), shedding ourselves of those things no longer serving us or weighing us down (have we not seen, at least in the States, more Goodwill distribution centers popping up everywhere), living spaces or situations being drastically changed, and personal relationships being reviewed.  As all the above-mentioned situations have been going on, there’s also a sense of community building, a subtle sense of compassion and sensitivity being experienced on a grander scale.  Even through all the physical, emotional, and spiritual highs and lows being felt individually at different extremes and times, as a collective mass we seem to be creating a global unity.  This is not to say everything is going to be rosy and perfect, but what it does mean is we are evolving as a species as we have been since the beginning of time, and that my friends is something to celebrate.  How utterly exciting is it to be a part of such a cycling change on earth?  Not only as a species are we evolving, but our planet is simultaneously as well.  WOW!  Think about that magnitude for just a minute…..if that doesn’t blow your mind for just a second I don’t know what will.

How blessed are we to be living this very time on earth?  Evolution or the changing of the earth and its inhabitants is nothing new as we can look back over history to see the earth’s plane has altered itself as well as plant life and animal life.  There’s even some documentation stating most of human life had been wiped off the face of the earth due to natural disasters and then started over again. So, how exciting to be part of yet another evolutionary change and not being wiped off the face of the earth. I know some will argue we are living the ‘end days’, but I ask you to ponder, what if we are actually living the ‘beginning days”?

Until next time, continue to be kind to yourself and others.

Overly Sensitive

Among the many things you may be experiencing as of late (i.e., physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual changes/challenges), I'd like to talk about being what some may consider "overly sensitive".

For those among us who are very sensitive to energy – and that includes most everyone reading this – it is easy to pick up on and absorb what those around us are going through, mistaking it for our o...wn feelings. Picture a high wattage lightbulb and how much electricity it gives off when you are near it. When you are around something like that you can hear the buzz and you can sometimes even feel that zhoozy, electricity feeling in the air. So as we’re all walking around, in our homes, workplaces and communities, we are feeling all the ‘electricity’ going through people that they are having a hard time processing. Where a person’s inner aspects are waking up and trying to get their attention, but are continuing to be ignored or repressed, that energy isn’t flowing as it should be. It keeps circulating around the body, generating the turbulence. So on some level, a sensitive observer can feel this, like it’s a combustion waiting to explode, or a dam about to burst. Sometimes we are aware we are picking up on the other person’s ‘stuff’, other times we don’t realise until later.

It helps to say something like: “if this is not mine, please go back to your rightful owner with love.” The more we’ve cleared our stuff, and the more we know who we are, the easier it becomes to distinguish what is yours vs what is not.

On the other hand, we should also realize we are still clearing within ourselves that part of ourselves we didn't even realize was still there. A part of ourselves we had no idea still had an impact on us.

During this latest round of energy push-down, as I like to call it, I found myself once again feeling deep agonizing pain in my solarplex area. Lots of bloating, painful pressure whether sitting or standing, and certainly finding it difficult to digest food easily. Taking time to meditate and just be still, I decided to 'check in' with myself to see what still needed to be cleared as clearly this stomach 'issue' wasn't going away until I did. Or at least that's what I was feeling.

Anyway, as I laid quietly just letting my thoughts wonder, I found myself drifting back to my childhood home in southern California. I saw myself in my bedroom, mad and crying (I was between 6 & 8). What disturbed me the most was seeing the self punishment I was giving myself. I was punching myself in the stomach as hard as I could, telling myself to stop. Stop what, you ask? Stop feeling! Stop receiving intuitive feelings and insight.

I've known my whole life I receive intuitive guidance........my whole life! When I was 9 years old, I remember having a private conversation with my grandma and telling her what I saw and felt. I remember her getting quiet and touching me softly and saying, "honey, you have a special gift but we won't tell anyone about it because they won't understand and harm could come to you". I could remember feeling scared and wondering why would God give me this if it was going to get me hurt.

Over my lifetime since then I've denied or at best kept it to myself what I felt or saw and just stored all that denial........stuffing it into my stomach. This all became clear last Friday evening.

I found myself laying in a pile of tears feeling so bad for that little girl part of me that punished herself so brutally for not understanding. I found myself crying for my grandmother who did what she thought was right for me at such a young age. It was during this time that I realized what I needed to do. I needed to release any unforgiveness I had, any wrongdoing I had done to myself, and the hate I had for having a 'gift'. In doing so, I could feel my stomach start to move, and over the last 3 days my stomach has improved far beyond anything I've experienced in the last year.

It is by far not feeling 100% well, but then again there's been a great many years between my early childhood and now filled with denial, pain and anquish that it now needs to be cleansed, comforted, and guided back to complete health.

One may ask if such a thing is possible when one's body has been in a dis-eased for so long, and the answer is yes.

I now acknowledge and accept that for some reason I've been blessed as many, if not all, of us have with the gift of intuition on some level or another. As I've been working specificially with massage clients over the years, and have seen with my own physical eyes and felt inside my body (what is often referred to as a "gut feeling") information I woudn't ordinarily know, I can no longer deny this gift of intuition.

I accept this divine blessing, and give thanks for it. I consider it a great honor to serve as a conduit in other's healing or perhaps better stated, wellness.......for after all that's where we are headed.

So as you continue along your journey of clearing and cleansing this month, I encourage you to do so with ease and grace. As your sensitive side is enhanced even more, remember to ground yourself.

Determination, Focus, and Practice equals Success

Following the Summer Olympics last year, Amira decided she really wanted to try gymnastics.  We found a gymnastics’ facility not far from our house and signed her up for a month worth of classes.  After two weeks of classes, her teacher decided Amira needed to advance to another level as she was already more than capable of handling the moves being presented in the entry level class. 

Realizing Amira really had a love for the sport, decided to keep enrolling her in classes.  During the second month of her classes, her teacher once again approached me and said there was a competition coming up in February and she really believed Amira would be a great fit for their team.  So began the competition training as well as continued weekly classes.

The competition was to be held at California State University Sacramento on February 23, 2013.  She was thrilled, excited and nervous all at the same time.  Amira is not a morning person, but on the day of the performance she had no problem waking up early…..lol funny how that works. 

We arrived at the gym early and found front row seats.  The energy in the air was exhilarating, and all the performers stood tall and proud.

There were four routines the girls could do, the beam, the vault, the floor, and the uneven bars.  Amira participated in all four routines.

After all the performances were completed and scores were tallied, all the gymnasts and their coaches sat in the middle of the floor awaiting their results.  You could feel the anticipation and excitement, I think even more from the crowd and coaches than the gymnasts themselves.

Amira received a 3^rd place in the vault, a 2^nd place from the floor, a 1st place on the uneven bars and a 1^st place on the beam.  It was all very exciting to see all the gymnasts approach the stage and receive their ribbons.  After the ribbons for each routine was passed out they then awarded medals to those that competed in the All Around (competing in all four events).  Amira was not awarded a medal in this event because she actually won 1^st place in this event, which afforded her a trophy.  She was so thrilled and beamed with pride at winning her first trophy.

I know I couldn’t be more proud of her for her accomplishment for she truly put her heart and soul into practicing diligently and focusing on what she was being taught from her coaches.

It’s been a testament and honor to watch what such determination can achieve.

Why Bullying Contiues - Lack of Accountability

Are you kidding me right now?  In this day and age when the media is continually running ad campaigns of the need to stop bullying, it seems to continue being alive and well.  Amira has been the victim of bullying from a girl in her class pretty much since the start of this school year (August 2012).  I was not aware of this happening until her astute teacher brought it to my attention at our parent/teacher conference (October 2012).  Amira was with me during this conference and between her teacher and I we discussed what had been going on with this other girl and reassuring Amira that no one has the right to say or touch her in anyway.  He acknowledged to Amira he knows she’s (Amira) a kind, respectful person and for her to understand speaking up for herself is not a sign of being unkind or disrespectful.  Learning what was going on in class and how her teacher was attentive to the situation gave me a sense of comfort.

As the school year progressed this little girl’s behavior towards Amira escalated gradually. First it was telling fabricated stories, and then it was doing an inappropriate act during the class picture resulting in not only disrespecting Amira personally but the entire class as well.  Bringing the class picture to the teacher caused him to even step up his vigilance over this little girl.  Tightening the reigns on her movement in class.

Although things seemed to remain under control in class because of the separation and lack of movement around the class on this little girl’s part, the taunting continued during lunch recess, and has since spread to other children (a classmate and friend Amira hangs out with).

The final straw that has broke the camel’s back was when I learned this little bully spit on Amira as well as the other above-mentioned classmate.  She’s a sneaky one all right and clearly knows exactly what she’s doing.  Like a lion waiting patiently to attack its prey, she waited for the opportune time to attack these two girls the moment the teacher left to take his lunch break.  When Amira told me about this latest situation, I immediately contacted the teacher, as this was completely unacceptable. The school has a program called ‘peer mediation’ where two parties can bring their dispute to the table for a panel of their peers to help them resolve the matter.  Unbeknownst to me the school asked Amira and this girl if they would elect to go to peer mediation, as this is one of the countless steps that are taken according to the policies and procedures of the school.  After finding out Amira attended this session I was very upset, as I did not think this particular situation (spitting on someone) was a ‘peer mediation’ dispute as much as I saw it as a physical assault.  My understanding is a dispute is when two or more parties have a disagreement about something and need assistance solving the dispute, NOT a victim and an assailant sitting together discussing the assault.

The teacher’s next step was to have a face-to-face with the parents to discuss their child’s behavior.  The result of this meeting was after much discussing the teacher was able to get the parents to concede that it MIGHT be possible their child is conducting herself inappropriately, BUT that they (parents) believe their child is not malicious but rather not aware of her actions.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

After discussing this issue with the Vice Principal last week, I realize even with today’s mass media awareness of bullying so many want to continue believing we don’t live in that reality.  When discussing the issue with the VP last week her response to me was, “first of all that is absolutely disgusting to be spit on, on the other hand we should be thankful we don’t live in East L.A.”.  I just about lost my mind at this statement.  How can someone live in such ignorance that it’s not happening around us?  East L.A., City of Stockton, or any other overly crime-ridden town didn’t get that way over night. In order to change old ways, patterns and behaviors we must first acknowledge it’s possible they exists.  If we cannot even do the basics of acknowledging such things exists, those existing things just continue to perpetuate out of control. Oy!

As of this afternoon I have a meeting with the school to discuss these unacceptable and preposterous situations. I expect to receive a copy of their written policies and procedures for handling bullying, as well as inquire as to their written policies and procedures for aiding and assisting victims of bullying.  I use the word ‘inquire’ about victims’ protection, as I’d be surprised if they have anything as of yet.  I’m also asking for copies of any/all notes, reports, etc that have been documented this far on this child.  I’m also expecting the school to tell me how this child has been made to adhere to the teachings of Maria Montessori (some of the basic teachings of Maria Montessori are teaching accountability, responsibility and respectfulness).

I’m all about living in a peaceful world, and in order to do so I must first acknowledge that not all are peaceful and so must eradicate those that are not peaceful from my life and cherish those ones that are peaceful in my life.  In fairness, I believe this little girl is a victim as well, and I would like nothing more than to see her behavior change for her betterment as well as those around her.  High school bullies don’t become bullies in high school, they become bullies in elementary school. Why should we wait until high school to do something about it?  For haven’t we already witnessed enough of the affects of high school bullying via school shootings?  It is my desire to get this little girl and her parents whatever help they need to straighten out how their child is conducting herself for her own safety and well-being, as one day a bigger bully may just come along and hurt her badly.  In addition to that I’ll do whatever I have to do to protect and guide Amira physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

Between Before and After

How many thought that the time of great awakening, in comparison to the era preceding it, would be a little like the before and after photo’s of a weight loss story: two dramatically different images with one being heavy and sad, the other being light and joyously happy? We’ve all carried some form of ‘before and after’ images in our minds concerning the way we imagined/felt/intuited life would lo...ok 2013 and beyond, however just like the weight loss photo’s, we may not have had any images depicting the amount of time and active steps it takes to get from ‘before’ to ‘after’ – particularly the amount of time and active steps it takes to get a whole humanity from ‘before’ to after’, to get whole systems from ‘before’ to ‘after’ including politics, media, health, education, environment conservation, social welfare, justice, sustainable housing, corporations, finance etc.

The point being to continue striving forward in your daily life, knowing that the process between "before and after" is still in affect. It's like hitting a plateau along the journey of weight-loss. During such a period of time it seems, on the outside (scale, clothes, etc.), NOTHING is changing and we become frustrated and disappointed in the process. However, in reality what is transpiring during this time period is a shift within ourselves thus allowing for the next phase to unfold, (another drop of weight or perhaps inches) which will reveal itself on the outside, showing us our progress. Progress and transformation are truly done from the inside/out.

Knowing what this process (still using the weight-loss scenario as an example) takes for an individual to achieve, can you imagine what it is like for an entire planet of individuals? Overwhelming to assume, for sure. However, just as you continue to strive, achieve and change know you are not alone and that others struggle and cheer at their journey's process as well. I believe the goal here is to be as supportive with yourself during the process as you are with others. For truly, many of us are far gentler, supportive and kind in others' pursuits than we are of our own. Should you be someone who continually gives (in whatever fashion) to others and less to yourself, you may want to evaulate the thoughts/beliefs that you hold onto that tells you, "I'd be selfish if I thought of myself", because you are just as important to the process of change. We must each allow ourselves to balance the scales of giving and receiving to continue the process of transformation.

As we continue down the road of awakening (systems, thoughts, beliefs, ways of doing business that need overhauled) and transformation (evaulating your own thoughts/beliefs, effective changes gradually being made around the world), know we ARE in the process between "before and after".

Annual Holiday Letter

Greetings Family and Friends,

As Amira and I clinked our fluted glasses filled with sparkling apple cider at mid-night on January 1, 2012 we vowed to make the New Year a year of being fancy and adventurous. Little did we know we’d be taking Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride to a whole new level!

Beginning New Year’s Day we took a spontaneous road-trip to Santa Rosa, Ca, to the home of Snoopy’s Ice Rink. We spent a glorious day there along with exploring the Charles Schultz museum.  It was a perfect way to start 2012.

At the end of March, beginning of April we arranged a surprise birthday/family reunion trip to San Diego for my dad. We rented a beautiful home just a few short blocks from the water.  The Brown Clan and the Leboda Clan (Arizona family) had a grand week in southern California.  Memories that will last a lifetime!  Two days before leaving I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my ankle in two places. This however did not stop us from enjoying the last days of San Diego. However, it did take me out of work for more than 6 weeks.

During my hiatus, Clint and I discovered we had an older sister named Terri and met her at the end of May.  In some ways it’s still very surreal yet very natural at the same time.  We’ve certainly enjoyed getting to know one another and spending time together.  Turns out she lives in Arizona. What a small world!  We’ve since introduced her to the Leboda Clan, which has been a great experience as well.

After watching the summer Olympics Amira decided she wanted to try gymnastics. So for the last few months she’s been taking classes once a week. After her second month of classes her teacher approached me about Amira taking a spot on their competitive team of which she is now training for.

In addition to doing gymnastics once a week she opted to play on the school’s volleyball team this year and did really well.  So excited to share these wonderful experiences with her.

For Thanksgiving we spent the extended weekend in Arizona with the entire clan and had an absolute blast.

As of the writing of this Annual Christmas letter (12/16/12), our family has learned that my sister-in-law, Claudia, has Stage 3 cervical cancer.  She and Clint have agreed to take the doctor’s recommendation for treatment, which will be 6 weeks of combined chemotherapy and radiation.  Her first radiation treatment will be December 24, 2012, with a more than likely overnight stay to track her progress. Claudia has said that she appreciates all the outpour of love, prayers and positive support she’s been receiving.  She is choosing to keep herself surrounded with positive people, as she knows this will benefit her more than anything.  We’re in the process of putting something together to keep everyone informed via a web-page. Once this has been done we will gladly pass the word along. (Update 12/25/12: Claudia received her first chemo treatment Sunday, 12/23/12 and her first radiation treatment Monday, 12/24/12. She is doing well and is looking forward to spending the holidays with her family.)

         As you look back over the year, I hope you look with fondness and gratitude. As you look forward, I hope you look with amazement and wonder.  I wish you peace, good health, and lots of love.

Shenanigans Humans' Pull

To be very honest, I am beyond words at the shenanigans humans’ pull, which are a direct misuse of our egos.  An obvious example is the political games being played around the globe at the unfortunate expense of human life.  Whether this be physical, emotional or spiritual at the expense of human life, it is all the same……shameful! Every negative thing we think, feel, say or do is adding to our pain and suffering and the negativity of every person, place, condition, or thing on Earth. To keep acting in these obsolete behavioral patterns when we should know better is ludicrous, unconscionable, and defies common sense.  Playing the same old record over and over for years on end not only becomes monotonous but also borders on lunacy.  Enough is enough!  How can we make a difference?  Believe it or not, we have the ability to do so, by being cognizant of what we are empowering with the focus of our attention and especially what we are communicating to others only a daily basis. As the infamous Mahatma Gandhi so eloquently said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”.  Each and every one of us has the very power to effectuate such change.  I believe we have an absolute duty to do so, for each one of us holds the key to the future.  Don’t be lured into the negative menacing of the media, for it will only perpetuate the same decrepit tune. Instead, be an active example of positive actions daily.

Summer, where did you go?

Hard to believe the days of summer are winding down.  It seems as if it was only yesterday I was beginning summer with a mending broken ankle, and now it's coming to a conclusion.

Lets see what did we do? Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Oh yes, I began back to work part time at the beginning of June and by mid to late June I was back full time. However, due to being off for 9 weeks it was now like starting all over again. I needed to rebuild my clientele. Truly we here in America have a short attention span. I didn't think 9 weeks was all that long, but apparently to some it was a lifetime, so they moved on.  Rebuilding a clientele as well as those being on summer holidays it's been rather challenging to say the least, but I'm still hopeful for improvement.

Amira spent the summer at day camp swimming and going on all kinds of fun field trips.  Her camp also had their own Camp Olympics which she participated in and came home with three 2nd place ribbons for her achievements.

For 4th of July/Amira's birthday we had a big family bbq at our house and my sister and niece (who I met for the first time) came in from Arizona to enjoy the festivities.  It was an amazing few days.

August came and went with my birthday mingled in the middle.  This year for my birthday I was not feeling very festive, but rather feeling like I needed some alone time, so I received a massage from a friend at the clinic I work at and then grabbed a cup of coffee and spend it at the cemetary with my mom. Although it's still very hard to go there, there's such an amazing sense of peace and calmness that lingers.  It was just what I needed to sit, be still and shed unspoken tears.

After being inspired from watching the Olympics, Amira decided she wanted to try gymastics. So, three weeks ago we found a gymnastics place a couple miles down the road and she's been going once a week since then and has thoroughly enjoyed every minute.  She's getting so good at doing handstands that I'm expecting one day to find her walking through the house on her hands.

Towards the later part of August she returned to school (4th grade) and has been both excited as well as challenged by the experience.  She was excited to get back to school and learn as she loves it, but has not been thrilled with the idea of having to do oral reports.  Although she's been gradually doing them since 1st grade, this year seems to be more challenging than others......and she hasn't even done the first one yet.  She's in a 4th, 5th, 6th grade combo, so I'm sure she's feeling a little insecure because of the older kids, although the majority of the class is 4th graders.  Moreover, I have a feeling they are introducing new concepts and that's stretching her a little bit.  All good stuff....just hate to see her stress herself out over the oral reports.

Doing another breast health awareness fundraiser towards the end of October. Doing it solo this year as my partner is out on disability as a result of injuring herself massaging.  I do have someone who has offered to help should I have any couples massages, so am grateful. Hoping this fundraiser do just as well as last year and better.

Feel the fear and face it anyway

(Disclaimer - as with most of my post they are written from a raw standpoint with little or no editing)

Imagine strolling along life thinking everything in your world is real and known to you. Then imagine a world where you have this unknowing knowledge that your life isn’t completely as real as you’ve imagined it to be.



There were various times throughout my entire life when I had this sense that something was amiss. Imagine as a kid feeling like you were adopted or at best unwanted by your mom. I can remember specifically asking my mom at different ages in my life if I was adopted to which she would admittedly say, “why would you ask that? Of course you’re not adopted”. Although I heard these words there was always something deeper inside me that didn’t entirely believe this. Maybe it was because my mom and I throughout my life had a tumultuous relationship. Some would describe it as a ‘normal’ mother/daughter relationship and maybe that’s true. I loved my mom dearly and wanted nothing more than to please her and make her proud.

I believe we were great friends and could talk about many things, but I would not describe our relationship as one with overly motherly love and physical affection. Really, it wasn’t until nearly the end of my mom’s life that I learned from her own words that she loved me and was so proud of me. She admired my strength and didn’t know how I managed to get through what I’d gotten through. Waiting what seemed like a lifetime to hear such words was bittersweet. In one since I had already formed an opinion of myself based on what I had been told, and to hear those words didn’t seem real to me at the time. On the other hand, I chastised myself for having such ‘negative’ thoughts because after all wasn’t this what I wanted---my mom’s love and approval? I did. I so desperately needed it, and yet my self-sabotaging self, that part of myself that wouldn’t allow me to receive this information, would say, “but why couldn’t she tell me long ago when I needed it?” But the facts remain, I needed it even the moment she told me and yet somehow my wounded self in some ways felt like it was a little too late. Was it? I don’t think so. How many people have wanted to receive such love and confirmation from someone who meant the world to them, only to have them leave this planet and never hear them when they were living. I was blessed.


Why the walk down memory lane? I’m being faced with something that I never thought I’d have to face and a part of me feels a bit miffed that I have to deal with something that was someone else’s decision from soooooo long ago.


Upon returning from a great vacation/dad’s birthday celebration/family reunion with a broken leg, I receive a letter from my aunt (mom’s sister) with an additional letter attached to it. Upon reading my aunt’s letter, I was a bit confused because she was referring to someone I didn’t know.


My dad and I were sitting at my kitchen table when I read the enclosed letter my aunt had sent. The second letter was a letter from my half sister. Yep, you read that correctly, my half sister.

When my mom was 18 or 19 years old, she was engaged, and became pregnant. When she advised her betrothed, he did like so many men, he fled the scene. Without going into so many details, she decided she wanted to give this child a chance at life, so she found an educated family who desired to adopt her child. I’m sure this had to be one of or if not the hardest decision she ever made in her life.

It was agreed upon by all the parties involved to never discuss this situation. However, I can’t help but believe on some levels my mom either questioned her decision or at least mourned the situation as there were certain times during the year where she’d become really melancholy, and when we’d ask her what was wrong she'd tell us, ‘nothing’.

Yesterday was the day. Yesterday was the day Clint and I would walk through a door that would possibly change our world forever. Yesterday was the day Clint and I would make a decision that would ultimately change the lives of our children as well. Our dad was fully behind our decision to face this long family secret. All three of us (Dad, Clint and I) agreed that our half sister, Teri, should know the truth as we knew it, for we all could not imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes looking for her family for almost 30 years. According to the letter I read, she had established a relationship with our Grandma some years back, but was only given snippets of information about us out of respect for my mom.

According to this letter, Teri even knew mom had died a couple of years ago. Although, at this point Clint and I didn’t know how she knew that, we agreed I would initiate contact with her after receiving the letter from our aunt. I can only imagine what she must have felt upon first initial contact, as we were a little nervous and curious as well.


The exchange of emails and information seemed to flow easily between Teri, Clint and I, and then one fateful email came from Teri suggesting she fly to Sacramento to meet us. My first line of defense is to ALWAYS retreat because I wasn’t sure I was ready. Ready for what I’m not sure; I have no doubt all my insecurities and fears were taking over. I even addressed my fears, which I felt so proud for actually verbalizing my fears rather than just ignoring them and feeling like crap inside. Teri shared she was also very scared but excited at the possibility.


Yesterday, Teri was scheduled to fly into Sacramento and informed us where she’d be staying. She invited both Clint and I along with our families, should we choose, to meet her for dinner.


Clint and I agreed we’d go together along with our families. I asked my dad if he wanted to go, and he said that he didn’t……then paused for a second and looked me in the eyes and said, “do you need me to go with you?” I so love this man and his innate sensitivity. I told him I didn’t need him to go, but that I didn’t want him to feel excluded.


Yesterday seemed like a long day filled with too many overflowing emotions and past memories running through the forefront on my mind like the fountain in my backyard……continually running.


Was I afraid to meet Teri? No. Was I afraid we wouldn’t get along? No. Then, what was I afraid of? I was afraid she’d be disappointed in me. I had found out from my own prior research, she was a successful businesswoman, lived in an affluent part of Scottsdale in an enormous size home. Doing what so many of us humans do, I compared it to my own life.


Sitting in my backyard yesterday, where I find so much solitude and peace, I began journaling my thoughts to process the feelings that were causing pain and fear, and as I did, the tears just seemed to flow. At one point, I found Amira next to me hugging me asking me if everything was ok. I immediately collected myself, as parents always feel they have to put on a brave front for their children……silly really, and looked into her angelic face. I told her I was ok, but that I was just processing some feelings. She said, “is it because of meeting your sister?” I told her it was, and then we spent the next thirty minutes or so exchanging our thoughts and feelings about many things. We talked about her nervousness of having to give oral book reports at school and what that feels like for her. I shared that sometimes I don’t feel very good about myself because my mom use to tell me I was fat and ugly, to which she said, “That’s not very nice”. I told her she was right. I then went on to explain to her that the reason I tell her, maybe more than she’d like to hear, how much I love her, how proud I am of her, and how much I think she is beautiful and amazing is because I didn’t hear these words much, and certainly not all of them, when I was growing up. At the end of our conversation, she hugged me and told me, “don’t worry I’ll be there with you today”, which spilled more tears but in a good way.


We both spent extra time primping and pampering ourselves to get ready for our meeting with Teri as the email had came she was in town.


We drove to our designated location and met Clint, Claudia and Anthony. On the way, as I had been most of the day, I prayed for God’s presence to be with all of us on this journey, as well as mom's presence. So began the final steps of life, as we knew it. We reached the door, and all insisted Clint go first. He knocked and backed up towards us. The door opened, and a beautiful tall blonde with a welcoming smile greeted us…………it was like looking in a mirror with the exception of her slender stature. We each took turns walking forward and embracing her. None of us cried, as we each shared later we thought we would. For the next 5 hours we spent sharing stories and laughing. It seemed to flow effortlessly. She kept staring at me and saying, “oh my God, it’s like looking in a mirror seeing you”. She joked that over her lifetime people would ask her, “do you have a sister, to which she would say I sure do and she looks just like me, I just don’t know where she is”. She told us she had a 10-year relationship with our grandma. She described grandma’s house in exact detail. She said the very first time grandma showed her Clint and I’s picture she couldn’t take her eyes off them. She couldn’t believe she was looking at someone that looked like her. She described exchanging phone calls, letters, holiday cards and such with grandma over all these years. Clint and I were shocked because our grandma never had that type of relationship with us. Grandma had that type of relationship with my aunt and her family, but not us.


The evening ended, as we had to get our kids home and ready for school the next day. We all hugged and agreed to meet again today. She hugged me one last time and whispered in my ear, “You make me feel like I can breath”.

I received an email from her this morning saying, “Thank you for yesterday. I love you already.”

Processing Random Raw Thoughts

Why do I remain so closed off? Or why do I remain so strong as to not ask for assistance? For some, asking for assistance does not seem to be such a struggle, so why do I?

Fear of being weak?

Fear of bothering someone with my troubles?

These two also keep me from being approachable.  Meaning: giving the impression to others that I don’t need anyone.

Fear is one’s pride or ego, not their heart or true essence.  One’s heart or true essence doesn’t reflect such thoughts, feelings or images to the world.

How does one open up?  How does one also attract someone with a willingness to have his or her heart open too? (Again, random raw thoughts--the answers are seemingly obvious.)

I could probably be a Mensa Member, yet I lack the fortitude to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to open up to attract a partner.  Letting go of any kind of fear has to be the most challenging thing on earth.

I understand the reason, logic and even psychology behind it and even counsel my clients on it, and yet it remains my biggest obstacle in life.

Fear limits all reason and logic.  Even knowing isn’t enough to do anything…..one’s choice to take action is what is required…….feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

There are so many of us that I hear say (self included), “I never want to hurt anyone” or “it would kill me if I hurt someone”, yet in the process we never realize or acknowledge we are sometimes sacrificing ourselves in the process which is ultimately hurting us.  Somehow in our justified reasoning we say, “I’d rather hurt myself than someone else” or “I’d rather take their pain for them so they don’t have to go through that”. Why? Why do we choose to do that?  It’s as if somehow we are being self-less.  Are we?  Is this really being self-less or are we just being self-sabotaging along the way for the sake of others?

In the end, isn’t it their pain they have to deal with or not? 

I don’t think the majority of us intentionally plan to hurt someone, but somehow we do because we don’t take ownership of our own hurts and pains.  We don’t learn to process them, and therefore end up projecting them onto others, thus creating a vicious cycle.

This is not about brow beating one’s self for not acknowledging the obvious; this is a gentle reminder of what one needs to be consciously be aware of in order to change the cycle----should one desire something different.

Pain in spite of reason

As we travel through this journey we call life, there’s so many hills and valleys. There are so many unexpected curves, and roads with either short or long distances.

Often times I ask myself, why? Why is it that we have to experience all these things……all these emotions and feelings? Really, what is the purpose? In the big scheme of things, what are we all suppose to be doing on this journey called ‘life’?

I visualize us being in a human maze with no real direction, no real sense of knowing how big or long the maze really is because we don’t get an overhead preview. Would it make any real difference if we did have an overview? Would we rationalize to ourselves when the actual journey of the maze seemed endless that there’s a beginning and an end and we are somewhere in between, with no attachment to feelings, or feeling happy for the experience, frustration for not recalling all the details of the previewed maze, or disappointment because as prepared or as strong as we may have been for the journey, it did not end up the way we wanted?

As happy and optimistic as I may be in my life, I’m certainly not exempt from feeling disappointment, sadness and depression. As much as I can see the good in everything, I’m always surprised when depression and/or stress enter my being.

I think what always brings on these feelings is a result of human interaction. The ending of a job, schooling, project, or any other material thing we can image, doesn’t seem to have quite the impact as the ending of a human relationship, whether an ending of a life, friendship, intimate relationship, etc., the pain seems to always be the same, unbearable.

I’ve recently experienced some physical health issues that have been a result of stress and sadness, and it scared me. Thankfully, it wasn’t my heart as I suspected; it was more along the lines of an ulcer and vertigo. However, not experiencing these physical symptoms before really concerned me. As much as I thought I could talk (reasoning mind) myself out of thinking the worst, my mind (thinking) also scared me to suspect the worst. It’s amazing; really, how powerful our thought process can affect us either positively or negatively.

Of course, reasoning mind says, “this too shall pass”; however, my emotional and physical being is currently experiencing anguish.

I think the worst part for me is the feeling of being once again exposed. When you have any kind of personal relationship, you make yourself somewhat vulnerable by revealing your (strengths and weaknesses) to another, and then when they are gone you are left feeling vulnerably exposed.

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That’s the deal.” ~C.S. Lewis

Finally Exhaled

With 2012 starting off like a sprinting race it has been non-stop go, go, go. The anticipation of the “new” to come and the many plans put in place for at least the first half of this year, it seems today (21 days into the New Year), I decided to exhale. Until this morning when I woke myself up with tears running down my cheeks, I realized I had been holding my breath this whole time. I suppose having this feeling of having so much to do (all good and desirable things), and the anticipation of how to manage it all, just momentarily took my breath away.

It’s funny in life how some times, for example, you have no idea you’re even holding your breath until that exact moment of exhale.

I suppose if I was to narrow things down and put a finger on the exact thing that caused me to hold my breath, I’d have to say it’s ‘change’. I can feel change of some kind in the air, and like most people change can be challenging. For me, if I’m honest with myself, I think I love the sense of ‘safeness’ in known routine. I love the since of ‘security’ in predictability. Mind you, I realize these terms of safeness and security are all just relative since change is inevitable, but nonetheless there’s that sense that gives us comfort.

Even if one’s existing circumstances are not as desirable as one would like, there’s still that sense of predictability that seem more tolerable than ‘unknown’ change.

On the other hand, preparing for a significant life altering change (wedding, career, family addition, purchasing a home, etc.) can be both exhilarating and somewhat terrifying all at the same time.

It seems once one goes through some kind of change or transition in their life, things eventually work themselves back into a state of predictability and calm, which is somehow comforting.

In my situation, it’s perhaps that not knowing at the moment what the change is, but rather just a ‘feeling’ of a life altering change is about to happen, which probably explains the unnoticeable breath holding I’ve been doing until this morning.

Here’s to remembering to breath. :0)

Amira's First of Many Experiences

A week ago, Friday, Amira’s school had their annual Harvest Festival, which consist of food, crafts, community gathering and this year a talent show.

About a month prior to the Harvest Festival, Amira came home from school and announced that she wanted to sign up with one of her classmates for the talent show. Internally I was shocked because of her severe shyness, but externally I showered her with encouragement and support. She shared they were going to do a scene from Alice In Wonderland Jr., the musical. All new to me, but was excited for her nonetheless for her adventurous nature. She practiced everyday when she had free time.

A week prior to the Harvest Festival she even took her backpack to school with a few dresses and shoes to show her friend so they could decide what they were going to wear for their play.

The day of the Harvest Festival, Amira packed her backpack with all her wears and went off to school. At 4:30 that evening my dad and I arrived to greet Amira and assist with any last minute preparations for the big show. We also ran into her little friend that was equally as excited, nervous and ready to go.

Beings this was the school’s first year at having a talent show at the Harvest Festival, it was a bit unorganized leaving families uncertain as to where, when and what time the show was suppose to take place.

Like sheep we followed a flock to a classroom where we all gathered for the big event. You could clearly tell Amira was nervous but wanted to play it ‘cool’ around the other kids. The program directory was passed out and the talent show attendees where asked to sit up front. Amira’s little friend was still not in the room when the talent show began, which added greatly to Amira’s nervousness.

Amira’s name was finally called to step up, to which she did, but to tell the director that her friend was not here yet. Ugh! She returned to her seat and anxiously awaited her friend’s arrival.

A few acts later and her friend finally arrives. Amira runs back up to the director of the program and advises her that her friend has arrived, so they let the two of them go to center stage with a microphone in Amira’s hand. The room is silent and still. The two girls look out at the crowd, then look at one another. Amira’s eyes begin to wail up and she puts her hand around her throat. Her friend’s eyes are like a deer looking in headlights – wide as can be. They just stand there. Finally the director whispers to them, “it’s ok, you can sit down”. The two girls walk off the staging area. Everyone claps.

We make it through the remainder of the talent show, then Amira comes up to me barely holding back from crying and I grab her hand. She doesn’t not want much comforting as she’s seconds away from losing it and doesn’t want to do it in front of everyone.

We make our way to the car. Once inside we both start bawling like babies. I feel so horrible for how she’s feeling. She’s embarrassed and can’t stop crying. She wants to just go home. We held hands all the way home, and talked about the show. I shared with her how proud of her I was, and how proud others were of her for taking such a big step, as they know how shy she is. She tells me that when she looked out at the audience she was surprised how many people were there, and that Patrick’s advice (from Spongebob) of visualizing people in their underwear did not help AT ALL. I shared with her my experience of having to say or do something in front of people and how it made me feel. Hearing this seemed to help calm her nerves.

When we got home I asked if she wanted to share some hot tea together and she said that she did. As I was preparing the tea she decided to get this book she gave me last year which was a book of Maxine quotes (see below the first page of the book she turned too).

When I brought her a cup of tea, I found her crying again. I asked what happened and she said she got the “Maxine” book out as she thought it would cheer her up, but instead she said, “I opened the very first page and this is what I saw”.

Maxine can be so cold sometimes. LOL

Fundraiser

Had an amazing weekend, last weekend. Conducted my first fundraising event. With the assistance of a friend of mine, we conducted a breast cancer awareness fundraiser. We've since changed the name to breast health awareness since we don't want our focus to be on cancer awareness, but rather on health awareness.

We conducted a massage marathon. Two days of massaging with proceeds going to the Susan G. Komen foundation for research.

Was a little nervous at first as there's a lot to consider and prepare for in pulling off such an event, but thankfully everything fell into place seemingly effortlessly.

Feeling so blessed and thankful for such an experience, the next plan is to do another fundraiser in the spring but on a bigger scale. Still considering the cause to support, but have it narrowed down to either something for children, diabetics, or abused women.

Crumbling & Dismantling

As the walls crumble and the antiquated structures are dismantled, freedom is making its way all around the globe. What an exciting time to be living on planet earth. I feel so blessed and grateful to be a part of this time period. May we continue to learn more, so we can do better.

“Life without liberty is like a body without spirit.” ~Kahlil Gibran